Let’s not get too excited though: A District court ruled that DOMA is unconstitutional. This ruling is binding precedent only within that district. On appeal, it will go to a circuit court. That ruling is only binding precedent in that circuit. The only way it will be ruled unconstitutional for the entire US is if it is appealed to the Supreme Court.

In other words, we can celebrate a small victory, but we should be prepared to face a severe backlash as socially conservative political opportunists use this ruling to motivate their followers to vote against progressive candidates in November.

Why do I always seem to get my heart broken? Why don’t my relationships work out? I think I’m a good person, but I always get shit on and used. I’ve had a variety of girlfriends, but none were willing to give me what I was more than willing to give them. I’m tired of being the experiment for confused straight girls and the patsy for cheating lesbians. How do you find the right woman?

Sandy in Tucson

[I receive a lot of email messages like this]

Dear Sandy,

The reason you’ve gotten your heart broken in the past is so you’ll appreciate the right woman when she comes along. How do you know it’s the right woman? Well, for one, she won’t break your heart. Yes, it’s a tautology, I know that.

The point is that you won’t know it’s the right woman or not unless you keep trying to find her. So don’t give up.

Look for someone solid — not a cute tease who will lure you in for sport. Look for someone with long-term, faithful friends: this is an indication of a trustworthy, loving woman. Look for someone who follows through on promises and is consistent, especially regarding you.

Look for a woman who could easily live without you but doesn’t want to. Look for someone who appreciates you and is naturally inclined to protect you and your feelings. Look for someone who cares about your pets and family. Look for someone who nurtures you and your dreams when you’re down and motivates you to soar beyond your current boundaries when you’re up.

Look for someone who is open and emotionally available. Look for a woman who listens, one who communicates with you easily. Look for a woman who is emotionally fearless. Above all, look for someone who isn’t afraid to love you and freely express this love.

Don’t compromise for a woman knowing that she doesn’t meet your criteria. That’s the wrong woman — one who will lead you to more heartbreak. Don’t think you’ll fix anyone because you can’t. Don’t let lust blind you and loneliness drive you to arms that will prove to be fickle or false. Don’t rush things but don’t be afraid.

Again, don’t be afraid.

You don’t have the time to waste in a toxic relationship. A toxic relationship will drain you of your energy and, eventually, your dignity (cf. Tammy’s blog entries). How do you know you’re in a toxic relationship?

If you hate going home …
If her mere presence makes you angry …
If you know what your next fight is going to be about before it happens …
If you use her bad behavior as an excuse for your bad behavior …
If you feel trapped …
If you feel hopeless …
If your closest friends don’t even listen to you complaining about her any more …

… you’re in a toxic relationship.

Things that Won’t Fix a Toxic Relationship:

1. Moving in together
2. Having / adopting a child
3. Adopting a pet (even a cute one)
4. More time together
5. A weekend get-away
6. A vacation
7. Couple’s therapy
8. Purchasing a home
9. Shouting matches
10. Crying

Get out. Get going.

Give yourself permission to live drama-free.

No need to make a public, trashy spectacle of yourself though.

Everyone has some drama in their lives and in their relationships — storms that emerge and must be weathered; however, there are some women — LMs — who are walking tropical depressions just waiting for the right combination of environmental conditions and … BOOM! We’ve got some nasty drama.

Some signs to look for in identifying a LM:

1. She positions herself as a victim … the ultimate victim. No human has ever suffered like she has. She’ll get quietly pissed off and will mentally shut down if she hears of someone else’s travails. Nothing can compete with her traumatic history.
2. She positions herself as naive, not understanding the complex and cold world of gay women [heavy sigh, wipe away a tear]. “Why are lesbians so mean to each other?” She just needs a good friend or friends to hang out with. Meet some people … some good people.
3. She doesn’t have many close friends. She just kind of appears on the scene. Usually, she’ll mention several false-friends who have fucked her over [heavy sigh, shake of the head].
4. She won’t have a girlfriend and is looking for a girl who is “sweet” and “easy to talk to” and will “just … love .. her.” That translates to almost any woman who already has a girlfriend.
5. She will instantaneously “Facebook Friend” every one of your friends, even the ones she doesn’t like.
6. Her last girlfriend betrayed her in a most heinous way. The LM did her best, offered multiple chances, but the ex proved to have no redeeming traits whatsoever. The girlfriend channeled Iago, obviously.
7. She will NEVER admit to being wrong or at fault.

Someone will feel sorry for the LM and take this “wayward” soul under her nurturing wing. Two months later, the LM has driven a wedge between this kind person, her girlfriend, and at least two close friends.

LMs live for drama. They are social parasites and trouble-makers. Stay away from them. They pack a heavy dose of narcissistic venom and will strike quickly and closely. They seek open wounds and popular targets. Nasty, really nasty.

Don’t get close to these types. The drama scenes might be fun to witness, but the entertainment value decreases sharply when you become a victim of the ultimate “victim.”

My young friend just had a treacherous encounter with a LM. This friend, although a bit bruised, will be wiser in the future and will be more wary, that’s for sure. “Lesson learned,” as she said yesterday.

I know from several conversations with him that, in reality, the reason he has sex with so many partners is because he hates sleeping alone. It frightens him. As a child, he slept with his grandparents nightly. He freely admits to me that most of his sexual conquests in college occurred because he dreaded the prospect of sleeping alone. In other words, the frightened little boy grew up to be a frightened young man and is now turning into a frightened middle-aged creep.

I see this same phenomenon play out among gay women as well.  Some “players” I know are simply frightened little girls who can’t tolerate sleeping alone. In frank, lengthy, and often booze-fueled conversation, these “players” will often admit that they cheat / prowl because they assume the women they’re currently with — and they’re always with someone — will cheat on them. They need attention from a variety of women as a defense mechanism against the prospect of being alone. They are also almost always in a relationship. “Single” doesn’t work for them … obviously.

Sad.

As with my friend, there can never be too many women, too much attention from them. And the sheer number of women is never enough. They remain frightened creatures who are searching for some guarantee that they are loved, needed, and safe — all the while pretending to be free-wheelin’ sexual Conquistadors. The irony, of course, is that their inability to remain faithful will guarantee that they will rarely be loved, seldom be needed for long, and discarded at will.

-=*=-

Examine the Deadly Sins closely. Fear is the root of all evil, folks. Our fears morally bankrupt us and rob us of the pleasures that every single living day on Earth affords.

-=*=-

I am a HUGE devotee of William Faulkner.  The following is an excerpt of his 1949 Nobel Prize acceptance speech (given in Stockholm in December 1950).  He is addressing young writers, but, really, we can apply the same sentiments to all those who live and labor in constant — often cloaked and subcutaneous – fear:

“Our tragedy today is a general and universal physical fear so long sustained by now that we can even bear it. There are no longer problems of the spirit. There is only the question: When will I be blown up? Because of this, the young man or woman writing today has forgotten the problems of the human heart in conflict with itself which alone can make good writing because only that is worth writing about, worth the agony and the sweat.

He must learn them again. He must teach himself that the basest of all things is to be afraid; and, teaching himself that, forget it forever, leaving no room in his workshop for anything but the old verities and truths of the heart, the old universal truths lacking which any story is ephemeral and doomed – love and honor and pity and pride and compassion and sacrifice. Until he does so, he labors under a curse. He writes not of love but of lust, of defeats in which nobody loses anything of value, of victories without hope and, worst of all, without pity or compassion. His griefs grieve on no universal bones, leaving no scars. He writes not of the heart but of the glands.”

-=*=-

Don’t be afraid.  Don’t be a slave to the past and past fears.  Identify and conquer your fears.

I needed to take a break from writing and the blog. I believed my perspective was being distorted by a severed relationship (it ended over a year ago, but the aftermath endured for a while) and several developments in my professional life. The end of that relationship and the professional changes have both had a positive impact on me emotionally and intellectually. Yes, we remain friends in case you’re wondering.

So, here I am at the end of June. 2010 is practically half over and the young summer finds me single, focused, busy, and grateful to the friends and family in my life. The more radical the changes one experiences, the faster one learns. I stand ready to blog again … although the frequency with which I update might be sporadic because of a hectic schedule and an adventurous social life. In other words, I tend to work and play too much. I like it that way.

Time is, after all, the most precious of our resources — along with, of course, faith, hope, and love.

I have a back-log of your emails; I have a renewed hunger for life. I hope this combination proves to be entertaining and helpful to you, my faithful readers.

Speaking of entertainment, I have agreed to serve as a lab animal for a nutrition experiment to be conducted by a team of grad students. How can this situation NOT be entertaining … to you, at least?

It’s Friday. It’s sunny. It’s warm. I can see the late afternoon from here …

Oscar Wilde reminds us that “a dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.” I hope to do some dreaming this summer. I hope to live those dreams this fall … and spend the winter happily reflecting on them.

Toss off any harness you are wearing; you have the power to do so. Trust me.

- The Dyke Whisperer

How long before we let what once was a spectacular, fulfilling relationship go on before we finally pull the plug? How many chances do we either extend to, or accept from, the woman who was once our everything? When do we say “enough”?

Discounting infidelity, abuse, or addiction issues, when is it really over?

How can you say “no” to a reconciliation with the woman who brought you more happiness than anyone else? How can you balance the past, present, and future with her? And, above all, how do you apply logic and reason to matters of a living, breathing heart that remembers what it wants to remember and is linked to so many songs, images, textures, scents, and meaningless everyday objects?

When and how do you accept dreams as simply dreams? How do you send or ignore texts, emails, Facebook messages, phone calls, and the strange telepathic/sympathetic system it took years to create?

How do you say “no” to one more try? One more weekend in the college town where you met? One more trip to an isolated, warm Gulf Coast beach in the midst of an Arctic blast? One more lunch at a favorite Tex-Mex restaurant? One more beer session at a favorite tavern? One more kiss …

To tell you the truth, gentle readers, I apologize because I have no answers for you.

I did say ”enough” though. And I meant it.

This morning, Meredith Baxter announced on the Today show that she was a lesbian. Rumors had circulated for years. The announcement came after The National Enquirer printed an article that she had been vacationing “on a lesbian cruise.”

“I guess I wanted to… say that I’m a lesbian,” Baxter revealed. “It was a later-in-life recognition of that fact.”

The 62-year-old actress has been living life as a lesbian for 7 years and acknowledged that she has been in a relationship for 4 years with contractor Nancy Locke. She asserts that it was only after becoming involved with another woman that she realized why her three marriages to men ended in divorce.

“I got involved with someone I never expected to get involved with and it was that kind of awakening and I never fought it because it was like, ‘Oh! I understand why I had the issues I had early in my life,’” Baxter said. She continued: “I had a great deal of difficulty connecting with men in relationships… Sometimes, I assumed I was a bad picker … because there were problems with the people I chose. It never occurred to me to think, ‘Oh, it’s me.’”

It’s never too late to find the happiness that your heart is leading you to.

Physics on an interpersonal level. Action. Friction. The music. And what the music would make me do.

I used to be a DJ. I think I still am.

“If you haven’t dated at least one nutjob, you have NEVER set foot inside a lesbian bar.”