The Dyke Whisperer

There are three general types of lesbian-straight relationship outcomes:

1. Relationships that last for years, quite possibly forever
2. Relationships that last for hours; and
3. Relationships that last for a month or so

Long-term Lesbian-Straight Relationships: Sometimes, the chemistry is just there. These two have found each other, and nothing is breaking this bond. Usually, these two either fall into a strict (and comfortable to the participants) role-playing format, or they abandon role-playing stereotypes altogether and establish a relationship Utopia.

Extremely Short-term Lesbian-Straight Relationships: Maybe the straight woman just wanted to see what sex with another woman was like. Maybe the straight woman has too much psychological/social conditioning baggage. Maybe her fear kicks in after the fifth orgasm. The lesbian never sees or hears from her again, or, if she does, the straight woman is cold, distant and refuses to acknowledge that there was ever a Vibe or a sexual encounter.

Short-Term Lesbian-Straight Relationships:

• The Relationship Ends Due to Excessive Lesbian Jealousy / Possessiveness: The lesbian wants to immerse the straight woman quickly and completely into the lesbian lifestyle because she’s afraid the straight woman will “go back to men.” This just freaks the straight woman out.
• The Relationship Ends Due to Straight-Woman Doubts and Fears: The straight woman wants the relationship to remain secret from her family, her friends, her work colleagues, her casual acquaintances. The straight woman is not equipped (at this point, at least) to be in a gay relationship. This usually leaves a lesbian baffled and hurt because the decision to end the relationship seems to come out of nowhere. The occasional booty-call from the straight woman will occur.

So, we have an able, intelligent lesbian, a straight woman, and an unmistakable carnal Vibe that exists between the two of them. A meal or two later, the straight woman mentions that (1) she would like the lesbian to come over for dinner/drinks/coffee or (2) that she needs assistance with some household task (e.g., a leaky faucet, painting, hanging drapes, redecorating, installing a new appliance, installing virus software on her computer, etc.).

It DOESN’T matter if you have no knowledge of any of these activities (it DOES help, though): SAY you do and then go on-line and research it. There’s PLENTY of such information on-line. Yes, you can do it. It’s NOT that complicated. In any event, you’re there to have sex with her, and you should be pretty certain at that point that she wants to have sex with you.

The best location in a house/apartment to make a physical move is in the KITCHEN, usually a small (relatively) area where people almost ALWAYS have a reason to congregate in. Follow her into the kitchen EVERY time she goes, even if she’s going to bring you a drink or a coffee.  Stand as close to her as possible (directly behind her), brush up against her, linger in the kitchen. Speak softly. Sigh occasionally but don’t overdo it.

You must be VERY gentle with her after she makes a physical move. Long hug, deliberate movements. Tell her that you’ll do whatever she wants. DON’T ask her if “she’s sure.”

Sexually, bring your best effort but NOT your full arsenal. Keep it in reserve. Slow and easy. If she wants to reciprocate, tell her YOU like it slow and easy — that will give you a chance to gently and quietly coach her without making her feel too self-conscious.

Good luck in your efforts!

So, we’ve established the existence of The Vibe and the presence of a Vibe-Worthy lesbian. Now what?

You must let her think she’s leading this dance: she must feel a sense of control. It’s a new experience for her. She’s excited, she’s “vibing,” but she’s also scared.

She must believe that you are a willing accomplice. The LAST thing a straight woman wants is to be rejected by a lesbian. This always leads to extreme bitterness and, sometimes, to a general hatred of all lesbians. You’ve probably run into these rejected women at gay bars, as they cling to gay guys and angrily glare at any lesbians.
If she insinuates a desire (or asks you outright) for lunch or dinner, suggest a new restaurant or a restaurant she’s never been to where you are a regular. Conversation with her — which you should attempt to memorize because this information and the fact that you’ve been listening will make you seem ultra-conscientious and differentiate you further from men — should have clued you in to which are her favorite and most frequently visited restaurants. DON’T CHOOSE THESE.

If you choose one of YOUR regular venues, get there early and inform the waiter/waitress what you are trying to do. Pre-tip him/her (minimum of $20, in addition to the tip at the end of the meal). Depending on the personality of the straight woman, have the wait-person give you the most secluded spot available and agree to treat you like you’re the kindest, most personable lez-pimp in the galaxy. Keep your nosy buddies away: they will hinder your efforts here. The focus MUST BE ON HER AT ALL TIMES. Laughing and talking with your buddies about how drunk you were “the other night” will be a turn-off.

Now, after one or two innocent meals apart from any friends, you MUST get her alone. The more alone, the better and easier it will be for you. An ideal case is helping her move. Just you and the straight woman alone in a place that she is familiar with. BINGO!

Similarly, helping her with some project, whether it’s fixing a plumbing problem or helping her hang wallpaper, gives you alone-time. That’s what you’re looking for: being alone IN A PLACE WHERE SHE’S COMFORTABLE. DON’T INVITE HER TO YOUR PLACE UNLESS SHE EXPLICITLY SAYS SHE WANTS TO GO. EVEN THEN, DON’T MAKE A FIRST PHYSICAL MOVE AT YOUR PLACE, UNLESS SHE TELLS YOU TO. YOU WILL BE MUCH MORE SUCCESSFUL, MUCH MORE QUICKLY IF YOU ARE ALONE AT HER PLACE.

Tomorrow, I’ll discuss the physical aspects of the seduction of a straight woman, i.e., how to initiate it while making her think she’s initiating it and what to do when it’s time to get down to business (pun intended).

Personal Note: I look forward to meeting some of my Austin readers tonight at Shady Grove!

The Vibe is temporary. Don’t bet on it lasting a long time. You need to act or move on. This is not the time for endless hours of analysis (individual or group). Time is a-wastin’.

Vibe-Promoting Traits, i.e., factors that improve your chance of seducing a straight woman (not absolutely necessary, but, the more of these you possess, the more likely you will be in seducing a straight woman):

1. She positively KNOWS you’re gay.
2. You are single. Most straight women have been cheated on. The fact that she knows you’re in a relationship will dampen, if not extinguish, The Vibe.
3. You are sexually experienced. Don’t brag; don’t be an asshole. Don’t have a FUCKING therapy session about all your “psycho” ex-girlfriends (100% Guaranteed Vibe-Killer). Actually, you shouldn’t have to SAY anything. Your demeanor should indicate that you are sexually seasoned, competent, and eager to please.
4. You are older than she is.
5. You are professionally accomplished.
6. You have an air of power and health: mental, physical, and emotional. Depending on where you live, go for a measure of spiritual power as well.
7. You don’t put on the “macho” act. Be who you are: nothing more; nothing less.
8. You don’t put on the “high-maintenance femme” act. Be who you are: nothing more, nothing less.
9. You have substantial social capital, i.e., people know you and like you.
10. You are a good listener.
11. You make her laugh
12. You are financially stable and can afford to go out socially and, occasionally, buy her a meal or a few drinks.

Vibe-Breaking Traits, i.e., factors that inhibit your ability to seduce a straight woman (I hate to tell you, but these really are Vibe-Breakers, as well as irritating personal habits in general):

1. You are not “out.” She isn’t sure.
2. You complain too much.
3. You are emotionally needy.
4. You are openly in a relationship with another woman and have indicated that you have no desire to change the status of that relationship.
5. You are unemployed or under-employed, and will likely remain that way for months.
6. You ignore her to try to get her attention. You probably thinks this is effective, and it is when you’re trying to seduce a lesbian. It’s not effective for straight women. If she liked being ignored in public, she’d be with a boyfriend.
7. You become evil or psychotic when you drink.
8. You have asshole friends or no friends.
9. You are mentally, emotionally, and/or physically unhealthy.
10. You don’t know when you shouldn’t be ultra-competitive.
11. You don’t have your own place, car, and/or personality. You’re broke all the time.
12. You’re ALWAYS on your DAMN cell phone.

[Remember: these Vibe-Breaking traits apply to the seduction of straight women. Even though a lesbian possesses nearly all of these Vibe-Breaking traits, she is still able to seduce desperate/inexperienced/young/stupid lesbians.]

I will assume that the seducing lesbian possesses NONE of the Vibe-Breaking traits and at least eight of the 12 Vibe-Promoting traits.

Stay tuned …

We know about “The Vibe.” The Vibe is the intense sensation when you’re certain that a woman wants you. The Vibe is a magical, enchanting force. It is both undeniable and omnipotent: NOTHING can mitigate The Vibe — not smalltalk, not relationship status, not physical location, not social circumstance.

The Vibe overpowers all these variables. That doesn’t mean The Vibe compels a woman to act: it does not. If you are in a relationship and feel The Vibe with another woman — and you want to maintain the relationship — you must avoid the woman with whom you have The Vibe.

The perception of The Vibe is also SUBJECTIVE. Different lesbians have different sensitivities when it comes to discerning The Vibe. Arrogant lesbians ASSUME they’re feeling The Vibe when they’re not, which is why they can appear so cocky and creepy to mature women. Shy lesbians deny feeling The Vibe when it’s there. Sometimes, you want so desperately to feel The Vibe that you look for intellectual cues to confirm its existence. This is not a productive strategy.

The Vibe exists on a carnal level outside the realm of intellectual analysis and emotional yearning. As such, you can’t “figure it out” or will it to be. It is. Or, it isn’t. Like energy, it can’t be created. Unlike, energy, it can be destroyed, as we stupidly try to label it as “love,” not realizing that these are two separate — VERY SEPARATE — states.  Love involves the heart; true love involves the heart and the mind. The Vibe involves the core of a person, the entirety of a person. Keep in mind: there is no guarantee how long The Vibe will last.

[You realize that there are probably straight guys reading this that don't know what the hell I'm talking about, don't you?]

Having the ability, the accurate sensitivity to detect The Vibe is the key to initiating a relationship with a straight woman. As a lesbian, you should be able to recognize The Vibe; as a straight woman, she won’t. She won’t be able to explain this pull she has toward, let’s say, you.  She may never have felt this before. Sure, she may have felt longing, passion, intimacy desire, love; however, The Vibe exists only between two women.

I know you know what I’m talking about. If you don’t, you’re missing out.

If you feel The Vibe in your social interaction with a straight woman, you may proceed to Step 2, which I’ll discuss tomorrow.

Let’s establish a baseline first. FOR THE PURPOSE OF THIS SERIES, I am identifying a “straight woman” as one who IDENTIFIES as straight. She tells others and herself that she is straight, with no exceptions. I am identifying a “lesbian” as a woman who IDENTIFIES as a lesbian, whether she’s out, in the closet, has a boyfriend, has never had a girlfriend, etc. If she identifies herself as a lesbian to herself or others, then she’s a lesbian.

For the purposes of this series — and this blog, really — WHO YOU HAVE HAD SEX WITH IN THE PAST IS IRRELEVANT. Your sexual orientation is WHAT YOU SAY IT IS TO YOURSELF AND OTHERS TODAY.

No one can tell you how to pronounce your name — no matter how you pronounced it in the past. No one can tell you who you are sexually attracted to now — no matter who you were sexually attracted to (or thought you were) in the past.

Martina Navratilova dated men in NYC in the 1970s. Elton John married a woman. Are these two bisexuals? Were they straight for a time?  No, of course not. The past is NOT prelude when it comes to our sexuality.

This particular series does not address bisexuality. I’ll leave that for another time. If you are just curious as to what it would be like to have sex with a woman and wonder about it from time to time, you’re probably not a lesbian — unless these thoughts haunt you during most of your waking hours and the thought of sex with men is beyond unappealing, venturing into the realm of repulsion. THEN, you’re probably a lesbian, and, hopefully, I’ll run into you in a bar or nightclub one night.

“Sexuality is fluid.” This statement irritates me. It’s simply not true for straight women and lesbians. “Fluidity” indicates constant motion, shifting, pliability. Sexuality for these two groups is fundamentally static. HOWEVER, every once in a while, a woman who identifies as straight will become sexually drawn to another woman. I’m NOT talking about drunken college humping. I’m NOT talking about close friends who kiss on the lips when they meet and treat each other with affection. I’m talking about a straight woman desiring an extended sexual relationship with another woman.

“Oh, she’s just ‘bi!’” No, she’s not. Usually, she will say that she’s only attracted to a PARTICULAR woman. IF these two have a sexual relationship, she will more than likely return to men. If she doesn’t then, yes, she is bisexual or a lesbian, depending on how she identifies — and it took the  lesbian she desired to bust her out of her closet.

Okay, now that we have our definitions out of the way. We’ll get to the more interesting stuff starting tomorrow.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, To each her own, but I swear I don’t understand the hostility that exists between today’s young lipstick lesbians toward anyone remotely construed as “butch.” Why the obsessive drive to act and appear straight? To conform? Enlighten me, please!

Confused in Carolina

Dear Confused,

My silly words were an attempt to describe the lengths a lesbian must go to to meet available women. “Chieftains” and “gatekeepers” (and I have some other prototypes) do exist; however, I do not recommend dwelling in that kind of structured “scene.” Yet, you WILL meet women if you are strong, clever, patient, or tolerant enough to navigate through this swamp of bullshit.

What’s the alternative? To wear a sign that says “lesbian” when you shop for groceries or books? Craigslist, where you have to wade through men posing as lesbians, crazy women, and wives who need a new pet/performance artist/hole for their boyfriends/husbands? The on-line dating sites? Each might actually work for you. Good luck if these are the routes you choose.

I suggest (1) getting invited to lesbian gatherings; (2) meeting women; (3) easing out of the group; and (4) starting your own, devoid of depressing, predictable tyranny of stereotypes. You even get to choose folks that do not like talking about sports.

Your own groups can contain any combinations of people you want: gay, straight, bisexual, confused. After moving to a new city (or village as some of you might see it), it took me over a year to establish such a group. It isn’t necessarily easy. Yes, I still raid random Chieftain gatherings to steal their women and keep the group fresh. [The wording of the previous sentence is an attempt at humor and should be viewed as such, whether well executed or not. The word "steal" does not implicate that I objectify women, although I do on occasion when I've had too much to drink.]

On a personal note, as “horrifying,” “oppressive,” and scary as the Chieftain world I described is to you, to some (including myself), a world of the butch-femme dichotomy is equally as bleak, stilted, and pointless.

When a women describes herself as “femme,” I really don’t know if she’s talking about fashion, personality traits (cf. Myers-Briggs), or sexual positions. “Femme” and “butch” are as real as “chieftain” and “gatekeeper”: yes, they exist, but, damn, I wish they didn’t. And, don’t even BEGIN to tell me that fashion (or the lack thereof), personality traits, and personal sexual preferences are correlated. I know better. Believe me.

Some Greek pederast asserted to “know thyself.” Some Elizabethan bisexual paraphrased this by stating “to thine own self be true.” Now, go out and find women who make you laugh, who make you think, who turn you the fuck on, who complete you. Yes, it’s that simple.

Best regards to all — but especially to the “bi-curious hottie” whom e-mailed late last night. FYI, your best bet is to go to The Saucer and ask around.