The Dyke Whisperer

Being a young lesbian at an ultra-conservative state university (often sited in polls as being the most conservative public school in the US), I clung to the small group of friends I had. We were the freaks who didn’t fit in because of our sexuality, the way we dressed, the music we listened to, the politics we advocated, the civil rights we supported.

Now, I seek out and offer assistance whenever I can to gay youth groups and certain individuals who seem to have had a particularly tough road as they try to find their way through young adulthood.

There are so many organizations established to provide assistance and support to students and young people that belong to certain religious organizations or share a certain ancestry. In certain conservative parts of the US, young gays are virtually on their own as they struggle to grow up and find their place in an increasingly impersonal world.

We owe it to each other — because no one else is going to do it — we owe it to each other to help each other.

Take the time to offer support, assistance, guidance, and strength. If you are an out and proud youngster, don’t be afraid to ask for and accept help.

The process by which lizards regrow their injured and discarded tails is called autotomy. There are planes along which the lizard’s tail snaps off. Meanwhile, the lizard contracts his muscles, minimizing the bleeding from his wound. The regeneration of his tale begins immediately.

After witnessing a young friend have her heart excised, slammed to the ground, trampled, and spat upon by her girlfriend (now ex-girlfriend, obviously) … after hearing similar tales of betrayal and deceit at the table where we sat trying to console our despondent friend … after wondering how anyone could be so adept at such icy cruelty and pathological deception, I realized that our hearts must be capable of autotomy as well.

We tighten up and try to minimize the bleeding.  In the warmth of the support of our friends and with even a minimal trace of optimism, our hearts begin to regenerate.

Mean people truly do suck, but they can’t permanently crush our hearts and they can’t steal our dreams.

“The biggest problem for humanity, not only on a global level, but even for individuals, is misunderstanding.” – Rinpoche

We spend a tremendous amount of time dealing with misunderstandings that lead us to believe we’ve been disrespected. Word choice, inflection, analysis, evaluation, attitude, mood — all factor into how we interpret meanings and motives.

Of course, alcohol and/or emotionally charged situations can supply the spark that ignites a confrontation born and bred from the conclusion that we’ve been disrespected. 

Disrespect? Is it worth a fight or argument when our perception is clouded and a person’s motives are difficult to ascertain? Isn’t it better to seek clarification before the cursing, threats, angry tears, and high-pitched voices emerge?

Disrespect? Do you really care what she thinks? If so, aren’t you showing her respect then? Irony.

Disrespect? “Street cred” is based in loyalty, strength, integrity, and intelligence. NOT in screeching unintelligible nonsense at your ex-girlfriend in the parking lot of a club.

Disrespect? Grace under pressure. Exhibit grace under pressure.

Walk away. Speak to her privately, in the daylight, sober and sane. She probably didn’t mean it.

Old friends provide the foundation for our lives and activities. They know us better than we think. Really.

New friends keep us energized. They allow us to expand our horizons and grow.

Spend time with your friends. Don’t neglect them for lovers. Don’t neglect them for anyone.

Melodrama refers to a drama (e.g., television program, play, film) that is characterized by exaggerated emotions, stereotypical characters, and interpersonal conflicts.

Lesbidrama refers to exaggerated emotions, stereotypical characters, and interpersonal conflicts involving lesbians.

Observing either gets tiresome. Fast. Participating in either, unless one is an actor, is ridiculous at best. Yes, it seems to be a rite of passage among some gay youngsters, but, damn, it consumes a massive amount of their energy and time.

I suspect that Lesbidrama plays a role in Global Warming. It’s like a toxic black ether that enters into the places we socialize and inhabit.

Purveyors of chronic Lesbidrama should be avoided. There’s no vaccine against them unfortunately. They rely on some women’s natural tendencies to avoid conflict and confrontation. In lay terms: they are free to shit-talk because their audience is reluctant to question and/or expose the shit.

It’s amazing how these bad-ass shit-stirrers become helpless little weepy girls when confronted directly.

We are warriors and nurturers. Neither has time for Lesbidrama; neither has the tolerance for black-hearted and bored Lesbi-assholes; neither has time to become a willing host to the thoughts and speculations of the back-biting parasites who feed on attention and flourish under cowardice.

(Back from an extended birthday celebration and a trip to Mustang Island.)

One sign of wisdom is knowing the difference between the following:

• Lust
• Desire
• Love

Lust is an animalistic urge to sex someone up — over the course of several hours, over the course of repeated visits. Lust is a primal drive, residing at the beast level. Lust is overwhelming, yet temporary. It is a raw hunger that consumes thoughts and motivations. Possessiveness is related to Lust. You want to physically possess her.

Desire often becomes confused with Love. “I can’t live without you,” “I need you,” “I’m worthless without you” … these are statements of Desire.  The focus is on you and on how the one desired makes you feel. You become fixated on how she makes you crazy. Jealousy is related to Desire. You can’t stand the fact that the woman you desire might desire someone else and rob you of the rush you have experienced with her.

Love requires that you place the interests of the loved one ahead of yours. Your feelings are secondary. Love is selfless. Here’s a test: if the woman you love leaves you and finds happiness with someone else, it’ll make you happy.  There is no resentment. You just want her to be happy, safe, and appreciated. Possessiveness and/or Jealousy? No. That’s why the poets over the ages have spoken of the elusiveness and rarity of Love.

Lust is common: everyone alive experiences it or has experienced it. Desire is common. Love is scarce. Love is The Grail.

Another revolution around the sun. A cool front and light rain. Good wishes from friends around the world and around the corner. There were celebratory beers after midnight, and I’m sure there will be more later today. I imagine a variety of shots will be consumed by myself and a variety of women. Life is good.

This past year I learned about patience and sacrifice. I learned about hope and faith. I learned that angels arrive when you need them — and we need them more and more today.

I learned that there’s not enough love in the world and that critical thinking is becoming a rare and frustrating skill to possess.

Over the last year, I’ve become more politically active, less politically tolerant, and more conscious of the amount of worthless politicians in the US. I’m still trying to become a better girlfriend, friend, daughter, sister, teacher, writer, advisor, and Big Buck Hunter (it’s a videogame).

I’ll keep trying.

Thank you for reading this blog. Thank you for your good wishes.

Speak your mind. Be strong. Don’t compromise your principles. Laugh as much as you can. Protect the weak. Stand up to bullies. Give love freely to those who deserve the gift of your love.

The weekend seems far away on a hectic and trying Wednesday afternoon. After some good news, a good deal, and good conversation with an old friend who’s stuck on a highway in Kansas City, it doesn’t seem so far away now on a Wednesday evening..

Life is contrast: intense heat and a summer rain, light and shadows, silence and song, dust and mountains. For every asshole you encounter, there’s a friend waiting to help.

The shit we endure socially and professionally we do so with honor and dignity, realizing that the generations that follow us won’t have to fight as hard. It’s up to us: women as nurturers; women as warriors. Life is contrast.

I’m currently going through some older questions and will resume the question/answer format soon. Until then, please indulge me …

There’s these pills available at health-food retailers, maybe certain grocery stores, called “Stress Defy.” A kind, but often misguided, shopkeeper gave them to me. He knows I’ve been under some stress recently. Who hasn’t been?

It was an option, I guess. I have no idea how effective these pills are. I tell you, though, last night I sat at a wooden patio table and laughed my ass off for the better part of nine hours. We were silly. And I needed silly.

The mere presence of these pills on the table evolved into a running joke.

Sometimes, we just need to laugh.

It’s Labor Day in the US. That means we should be enjoying our Monday. So, I’m going to post a heart-warming link and enjoy Gay Night at the beer joint across the street. Yes, I realize it’s still afternoon here, but I need to gather my thoughts and smooth lines.

Speaking of True Love: http://www.texasmonthly.com/2009-09-01/letterfromsanangelo-1.php