The Dyke Whisperer

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I love my girlfriend (most of the time), but she can be one selfish bitch! I try my best to make her happy, and she ignores my attempts. Then, when I become sad and tell her why, she either promises to change or tells me to get over it. What can I do to get her to appreciate me more?

Dejected in Flagstaff

Dear Flagstaff,

Selfishness is NOT an option: it is a characteristic, a trait. Individual women can be generous, kind, intelligent, empathetic, clever, and fun. Individual women can be petty, aggressive, vicious, and selfish.

These are characteristics of an individual. You can’t fix “selfish.” You can’t make her appreciate all that you do for her. You can’t keep lowering your standards so that she can meet them.

Time to move on. You deserve better. There’s a woman who will appreciate you. Of course, you won’t find her by spending your time and wasting your energy on your current girlfriend.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I saw a report last week on CNN (I think) about workplace dating. Do you think it’s a good idea? I have this SERIOUS crush on a cute co-worker …

Misty in Spokane

Dear Misty,

We spend so much time at work these days. I think we can assume that workplace romances will occur. There’s always something to talk about with a co-worker, and you can usually count on a co-worker being available for chats, lunch, after-work Happy Hours, etc. It can be wonderfully convenient.

Also consider that trust can develop as the two of you interact regularly. You can safely — in the work environment — get to know someone.

However … BE CAREFUL!  You don’t want to get slammed with a sexual harassment suit or encourage the affections of a capricious married woman.

If this cute woman is your peer (as opposed to boss or subordinate), realize that an intense affair will affect your professional career. That’s a risk you’ll have to be willing to take.

I’ve seen workplace romances blossom.

I’ve seen them blossom … and then explode. Having a crazed ex work with you … well, let’s just say that it can be an unpleasant a harrowing experience.

Now, with all that being said, no one has ever taken my advice concerning the pursuit of a workplace romance .. so good luck with her, and I wish you the best.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, How do you get over learning that the love of your life is nothing but a lying, cheating whore?

Bitter in Brentwood

Dear Bitter,

First, you have a right to be bitter — for a while. Just don’t stay that way for long. Fact is, she wasn’t the love of your life. Cowgirl up and go look for the real one. Don’t take any baggage with you though (that scares good women away).

Seriously, cry it out with your friends, get drunk and watch sappy movies, listen to depressing songs. get SO melancholy and blue that it becomes ridiculous. Then, get up and get over it. Her loss.

You don’t want any part of her, and you certainly don’t want to bring her tainted, trashy memories with you when you’re trying to start over.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I met this woman and I like her. I have been through two rough relationships in a row, and I’m not sure I want to get involved again. I’m not even sure if I really like this girl. I’m just messed up, I think.

How do you know when you’re ready to start seeing somebody new?

Alice in DC

Dear Alice,

You know you’re ready when (1) the proximity and attention of a woman raises your body temperature — substantially; (2) you spend hours imagining what the two of you could do together alone; and (3) you re-live every moment of every interaction with her over and over again until the next time you see her.

Let go of the fear. It’s always time to live.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I just found out this morning that my girlfriend has a second Facebook page. It is under her first and middle name. I am not on it obviously. I can view her “friends,” and I have no idea who some of these people are. I have been upset all day. Should I confront her about this when I see her after work?

Upset in Dallas

Dear Upset,

You should be suspicious but don’t get all crazy yet. The “other” Facebook page may be old and inactive. Frankly, it’s difficult to delete a Facebook page completely (the procedure is easy, but, often, the page remains).

Print out a copy of the page. After she’s had a chance to relax, tell her that you found her other Facebook page.  Now, here’s the difficult part: DON’T ACCUSE HER OF ANYTHING and DON’T BE UPSET WHEN TALKING TO HER ABOUT THIS. IT MAY BE COMPLETELY INNOCENT.

If she tells you that it’s an old page, let it go. Tell her you’ll help her delete it. Go to the nearest computer and immediately start the process with her. Be suspicious of any hesitation or desire to delay this process.

Watch her reaction closely. If she denies it, show her your print-out. If she denies it, and it really is an “alternative” Facebook account, you’ve got a problem. If she gives you some story about having a special Facebook page for old friends or work associates, have her “add you” as a “Friend.” If she hesitates, you have a problem.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, What should I do this weekend?

Lez in Chicago

Dear Lez,

Get outside and enjoy Chicago! Buy your best girl flowers and generously reward a street musician. Go to a museum, try to find the best Bloody Mary in the city, and share a dessert.

Call a friend you haven’t contacted in a while, start a book, finish cleaning one room in your house/apartment, and write an email to your Congressperson telling him/her to support Gay Rights.

Take a long bath, take a long stroll, take time to appreciate the weekend.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, My girlfriend was laid-off  a month ago. She has been depressed ever since. She seems to have lost interest in life in general and me in particular. She never leaves her apartment. I love who she used to be. What can I do to get “her” back?

Zee in Dallas

Dear Zee,

It’s really up to her to come back and re-engage you and the world. So much of our identity is tied to our professional lives that it truly is devastating to lose a job, especially if she devoted years to it.

Without knowing what industry she’s in, I can’t provide any specific help. And, I suspect that if you try to “encourage” her she might snap at you and could become very angry. I’m sure you’ve tried that anyway.

This is her fight. Be there for support and encouragement, but the outcome resides within her. Set your own deadline too. How long are you willing to put up with her as she is? Are you willing to be in a long-term relationship with someone who is unable to effectively deal with a crisis?

Try to talk to her. If she becomes angry and irrational, re-evaluate your relationship and the willingness she has to block you and your efforts out of her life.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, Why do lesbians chase after straight women? Why don’t they chase other lesbians who they know are available?

Jules in Pittsburgh

Dear Jules,

Lesbians are attracted to women. I’ve known women who identify as “straight” yet are in long-term lesbian relationships.  Sometimes they flirt with us so we can’t/don’t resist.  Realize, also, that sometimes they chase us so it’s only polite to reciprocate.

There are some straight women who just enjoy the attention so they flirt with us.

My personal rule: Chase whomever you’re attracted to but manage your expectations with women who identify as straight or bisexual. Don’t make a pest of yourself and never make someone uncomfortable. Know when to call off the chase.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, Last week, when I was in the cafeteria at work, I saw a woman at the coffee station. Our eyes locked briefly, and she smiled at me. I’m think she may be gay. I can’t get her out of my mind. What should I do?

PB in Tampa

Dear PB,

Be at the coffee station every work day. Try to arrive at the cafeteria a little earlier than usual and loiter a bit. Don’t make it obvious. She works at the same place; you just don’t know where.

Next time you see her, smile and say, “Good morning” softly. Don’t grin like a fool and don’t linger. Without being obvious, note what time she arrived and from what direction. Also, watch where she goes.

I call this “benign stalking.”

Continue this process. Adding commentary in small increments. Always acknowledge her. See if she’s wearing a wedding band (check both hands). Maybe, sometime during the day, you’ll have an opportunity to explore to see if you can locate her. Take a file folder with you (or some other relevant artifact) when you’re doing this. If you see her, again, smile and say “Hello.”

Soon enough, if there’s any connection, you’ll be conversing with her. When you get to that point, write back.

Lessons Learned:

1. Avoid being in the proximity of women in toxic relationships. It tends to frustrate and frazzle the mind. The toxicity might rub off, leaving you feeling overly cynical and slightly nauseous.
2. If you break up with someone more than once every three months, you know for certain that you’re in a toxic relationship.
3. Don’t get into a relationship with someone who’s chronically breaking up with a girlfriend in a toxic relationship — even as a friend. You’ll get caught up in the middle of all that bullshit. Remain acquaintances. Trust me.
4. Leave your relationship problems at home when you’re out in public with your girlfriend/partner. NO ONE wants to be at a table with feuding lesbians. NO ONE.
5. Don’t spend your Saturday night playing therapist to members of a toxic relationship. You’re wasting time, energy, breath, and beer.

Now, let’s all go out (or stay in) and enjoy this weekend!