The Dyke Whisperer

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I love my girlfriend (most of the time), but she can be one selfish bitch! I try my best to make her happy, and she ignores my attempts. Then, when I become sad and tell her why, she either promises to change or tells me to get over it. What can I do to get her to appreciate me more?

Dejected in Flagstaff

Dear Flagstaff,

Selfishness is NOT an option: it is a characteristic, a trait. Individual women can be generous, kind, intelligent, empathetic, clever, and fun. Individual women can be petty, aggressive, vicious, and selfish.

These are characteristics of an individual. You can’t fix “selfish.” You can’t make her appreciate all that you do for her. You can’t keep lowering your standards so that she can meet them.

Time to move on. You deserve better. There’s a woman who will appreciate you. Of course, you won’t find her by spending your time and wasting your energy on your current girlfriend.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I saw a report last week on CNN (I think) about workplace dating. Do you think it’s a good idea? I have this SERIOUS crush on a cute co-worker …

Misty in Spokane

Dear Misty,

We spend so much time at work these days. I think we can assume that workplace romances will occur. There’s always something to talk about with a co-worker, and you can usually count on a co-worker being available for chats, lunch, after-work Happy Hours, etc. It can be wonderfully convenient.

Also consider that trust can develop as the two of you interact regularly. You can safely — in the work environment — get to know someone.

However … BE CAREFUL!  You don’t want to get slammed with a sexual harassment suit or encourage the affections of a capricious married woman.

If this cute woman is your peer (as opposed to boss or subordinate), realize that an intense affair will affect your professional career. That’s a risk you’ll have to be willing to take.

I’ve seen workplace romances blossom.

I’ve seen them blossom … and then explode. Having a crazed ex work with you … well, let’s just say that it can be an unpleasant a harrowing experience.

Now, with all that being said, no one has ever taken my advice concerning the pursuit of a workplace romance .. so good luck with her, and I wish you the best.

Melodrama refers to a drama (e.g., television program, play, film) that is characterized by exaggerated emotions, stereotypical characters, and interpersonal conflicts.

Lesbidrama refers to exaggerated emotions, stereotypical characters, and interpersonal conflicts involving lesbians.

Observing either gets tiresome. Fast. Participating in either, unless one is an actor, is ridiculous at best. Yes, it seems to be a rite of passage among some gay youngsters, but, damn, it consumes a massive amount of their energy and time.

I suspect that Lesbidrama plays a role in Global Warming. It’s like a toxic black ether that enters into the places we socialize and inhabit.

Purveyors of chronic Lesbidrama should be avoided. There’s no vaccine against them unfortunately. They rely on some women’s natural tendencies to avoid conflict and confrontation. In lay terms: they are free to shit-talk because their audience is reluctant to question and/or expose the shit.

It’s amazing how these bad-ass shit-stirrers become helpless little weepy girls when confronted directly.

We are warriors and nurturers. Neither has time for Lesbidrama; neither has the tolerance for black-hearted and bored Lesbi-assholes; neither has time to become a willing host to the thoughts and speculations of the back-biting parasites who feed on attention and flourish under cowardice.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, How do you get over learning that the love of your life is nothing but a lying, cheating whore?

Bitter in Brentwood

Dear Bitter,

First, you have a right to be bitter — for a while. Just don’t stay that way for long. Fact is, she wasn’t the love of your life. Cowgirl up and go look for the real one. Don’t take any baggage with you though (that scares good women away).

Seriously, cry it out with your friends, get drunk and watch sappy movies, listen to depressing songs. get SO melancholy and blue that it becomes ridiculous. Then, get up and get over it. Her loss.

You don’t want any part of her, and you certainly don’t want to bring her tainted, trashy memories with you when you’re trying to start over.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I met this woman and I like her. I have been through two rough relationships in a row, and I’m not sure I want to get involved again. I’m not even sure if I really like this girl. I’m just messed up, I think.

How do you know when you’re ready to start seeing somebody new?

Alice in DC

Dear Alice,

You know you’re ready when (1) the proximity and attention of a woman raises your body temperature — substantially; (2) you spend hours imagining what the two of you could do together alone; and (3) you re-live every moment of every interaction with her over and over again until the next time you see her.

Let go of the fear. It’s always time to live.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I just found out this morning that my girlfriend has a second Facebook page. It is under her first and middle name. I am not on it obviously. I can view her “friends,” and I have no idea who some of these people are. I have been upset all day. Should I confront her about this when I see her after work?

Upset in Dallas

Dear Upset,

You should be suspicious but don’t get all crazy yet. The “other” Facebook page may be old and inactive. Frankly, it’s difficult to delete a Facebook page completely (the procedure is easy, but, often, the page remains).

Print out a copy of the page. After she’s had a chance to relax, tell her that you found her other Facebook page.  Now, here’s the difficult part: DON’T ACCUSE HER OF ANYTHING and DON’T BE UPSET WHEN TALKING TO HER ABOUT THIS. IT MAY BE COMPLETELY INNOCENT.

If she tells you that it’s an old page, let it go. Tell her you’ll help her delete it. Go to the nearest computer and immediately start the process with her. Be suspicious of any hesitation or desire to delay this process.

Watch her reaction closely. If she denies it, show her your print-out. If she denies it, and it really is an “alternative” Facebook account, you’ve got a problem. If she gives you some story about having a special Facebook page for old friends or work associates, have her “add you” as a “Friend.” If she hesitates, you have a problem.

(Back from an extended birthday celebration and a trip to Mustang Island.)

One sign of wisdom is knowing the difference between the following:

• Lust
• Desire
• Love

Lust is an animalistic urge to sex someone up — over the course of several hours, over the course of repeated visits. Lust is a primal drive, residing at the beast level. Lust is overwhelming, yet temporary. It is a raw hunger that consumes thoughts and motivations. Possessiveness is related to Lust. You want to physically possess her.

Desire often becomes confused with Love. “I can’t live without you,” “I need you,” “I’m worthless without you” … these are statements of Desire.  The focus is on you and on how the one desired makes you feel. You become fixated on how she makes you crazy. Jealousy is related to Desire. You can’t stand the fact that the woman you desire might desire someone else and rob you of the rush you have experienced with her.

Love requires that you place the interests of the loved one ahead of yours. Your feelings are secondary. Love is selfless. Here’s a test: if the woman you love leaves you and finds happiness with someone else, it’ll make you happy.  There is no resentment. You just want her to be happy, safe, and appreciated. Possessiveness and/or Jealousy? No. That’s why the poets over the ages have spoken of the elusiveness and rarity of Love.

Lust is common: everyone alive experiences it or has experienced it. Desire is common. Love is scarce. Love is The Grail.