The Dyke Whisperer

Dear Dyke Whisperer, What should I do this weekend?

Lez in Chicago

Dear Lez,

Get outside and enjoy Chicago! Buy your best girl flowers and generously reward a street musician. Go to a museum, try to find the best Bloody Mary in the city, and share a dessert.

Call a friend you haven’t contacted in a while, start a book, finish cleaning one room in your house/apartment, and write an email to your Congressperson telling him/her to support gay Rights.

Take a long bath, take a long stroll, take time to appreciate the weekend.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, My girlfriend was laid-off  a month ago. She has been depressed ever since. She seems to have lost interest in life in general and me in particular. She never leaves her apartment. I love who she used to be. What can I do to get “her” back?

Zee in Dallas

Dear Zee,

It’s really up to her to come back and re-engage you and the world. So much of our identity is tied to our professional lives that it truly is devastating to lose a job, especially if she devoted years to it.

Without knowing what industry she’s in, I can’t provide any specific help. And, I suspect that if you try to “encourage” her she might snap at you and could become very angry. I’m sure you’ve tried that anyway.

This is her fight. Be there for support and encouragement, but the outcome resides within her. Set your own deadline too. How long are you willing to put up with her as she is? Are you willing to be in a long-term relationship with someone who is unable to effectively deal with a crisis?

Try to talk to her. If she becomes angry and irrational, re-evaluate your relationship and the willingness she has to block you and your efforts out of her life.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, Why do lesbians chase after straight women? Why don’t they chase other lesbians who they know are available?

Jules in Pittsburgh

Dear Jules,

Lesbians are attracted to women. I’ve known women who identify as “straight” yet are in long-term lesbian relationships.  Sometimes they flirt with us so we can’t/don’t resist.  Realize, also, that sometimes they chase us so it’s only polite to reciprocate.

There are some straight women who just enjoy the attention so they flirt with us.

My personal rule: Chase whomever you’re attracted to but manage your expectations with women who identify as straight or bisexual. Don’t make a pest of yourself and never make someone uncomfortable. Know when to call off the chase.

Another revolution around the sun. A cool front and light rain. Good wishes from friends around the world and around the corner. There were celebratory beers after midnight, and I’m sure there will be more later today. I imagine a variety of shots will be consumed by myself and a variety of women. Life is good.

This past year I learned about patience and sacrifice. I learned about hope and faith. I learned that angels arrive when you need them — and we need them more and more today.

I learned that there’s not enough love in the world and that critical thinking is becoming a rare and frustrating skill to possess.

Over the last year, I’ve become more politically active, less politically tolerant, and more conscious of the amount of worthless politicians in the US. I’m still trying to become a better girlfriend, friend, daughter, sister, teacher, writer, advisor, and Big Buck Hunter (it’s a videogame).

I’ll keep trying.

Thank you for reading this blog. Thank you for your good wishes.

Speak your mind. Be strong. Don’t compromise your principles. Laugh as much as you can. Protect the weak. Stand up to bullies. Give love freely to those who deserve the gift of your love.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, Last week, when I was in the cafeteria at work, I saw a woman at the coffee station. Our eyes locked briefly, and she smiled at me. I’m think she may be gay. I can’t get her out of my mind. What should I do?

PB in Tampa

Dear PB,

Be at the coffee station every work day. Try to arrive at the cafeteria a little earlier than usual and loiter a bit. Don’t make it obvious. She works at the same place; you just don’t know where.

Next time you see her, smile and say, “Good morning” softly. Don’t grin like a fool and don’t linger. Without being obvious, note what time she arrived and from what direction. Also, watch where she goes.

I call this “benign stalking.”

Continue this process. Adding commentary in small increments. Always acknowledge her. See if she’s wearing a wedding band (check both hands). Maybe, sometime during the day, you’ll have an opportunity to explore to see if you can locate her. Take a file folder with you (or some other relevant artifact) when you’re doing this. If you see her, again, smile and say “Hello.”

Soon enough, if there’s any connection, you’ll be conversing with her. When you get to that point, write back.

Lessons Learned:

1. Avoid being in the proximity of women in toxic relationships. It tends to frustrate and frazzle the mind. The toxicity might rub off, leaving you feeling overly cynical and slightly nauseous.
2. If you break up with someone more than once every three months, you know for certain that you’re in a toxic relationship.
3. Don’t get into a relationship with someone who’s chronically breaking up with a girlfriend in a toxic relationship — even as a friend. You’ll get caught up in the middle of all that bullshit. Remain acquaintances. Trust me.
4. Leave your relationship problems at home when you’re out in public with your girlfriend/partner. NO ONE wants to be at a table with feuding lesbians. NO ONE.
5. Don’t spend your Saturday night playing therapist to members of a toxic relationship. You’re wasting time, energy, breath, and beer.

Now, let’s all go out (or stay in) and enjoy this weekend!

Is  the whole always greater than the sum of the parts?

I’ve been describing a dysfunctional couple that I encountered on Saturday night. I think it is important to note that, individually, these two women are amazing. Each is accomplished, intelligent, educated, articulate, and fun. Each is generous, compassionate, and engaging.

It’s being together that brings out the worst in them. The tension they bring to social gatherings is palatable. Waitresses can feel it.

Toxic relationships. It happens. Just as relationships can make us stronger, more confident, and more fulfilled, they can also bring out negative characteristics like pettiness, jealousy, belligerence, and malice.

The whole may be greater than the sum of the parts in certain cases. The whole may also be a Superfund site of emotional and psychological upheaval.

I have found it fascinating that those in toxic relationships often don’t realize that they’re in a toxic pairing until things truly start going to shit — and, even then, they’ll try to “work it out” when it’s obvious to their friends and those around them that they shouldn’t be together.

Be careful about dating women who have recently been in toxic relationships. It takes a while for them to actually break up, and it takes time for them to heal.

Remember: there are documented cases of horses that, after having been freed from a burning barn, run back into the flame-engulfed structure when they are released.

My job is more demanding than hers. She doesn’t understand how much pressure I’m under right now. Why doesn’t she get that?

Both members of a troubled couple asked me this same question on Saturday night. Clearly, they both feel neglected and misunderstood. One asked while the other was outside making a phone call; one asked while the other steamed off to stand in the parking lot because she was pissed.

Where to begin …

It is important to respect the educational and/or career choices of your girlfriend/partner. Ideally, both of you should be pursuing courses of study/careers that elicit passion and dedication. Unfortunately, economic forces and life circumstances might not always permit this.

Still, choose a girlfriend/partner that is dedicated to her education/career — no matter what that career choice is (given the circumstances) — and you’ll choose a girlfriend that you know possesses the traits of dedication and devotion.

[The lack of either dedication or devotion should be a deal-beaker, by the way.]

No college major/job is menial or trivial if it is pursued or practiced with dedication and competence.

If she isn’t a slacker, respect what she does. Support and encourage her. Thinking that your classes/career are more important, more relevant, more exacting is selfish and base.

And, it’s not about salary or responsibility. If she devotes herself to her schoolwork/job, you should be proud of her — and you should tell her so frequently and sincerely.

Don’t belittle her; don’t paint yourself to be more important than she is.

On the other hand, don’t seriously date someone without clear career educational/professional goals if you are a dedicated student/professional. You’ll both get frustrated and hurt: she’ll feel like a loser and blame you for it, while you’ll feel like a frustrated parent. Neither feeling is compatible with a mutually beneficial relationship.

• Avoid women who hate their current jobs but won’t make a career change. The constant complaining about a situation that can be changed will drive you to despise her over time.
• Avoid women who are so dedicated and devoted to their careers that you just serve as a mode of sexual release or a housekeeper.
• Avoid women who have had a privileged upbringing but prefer the couch to a job and self-pity to action.
• Seek women who have achieved a balance between their professional and personal lives.
• Seek women who respect your educational/career choices and who freely demonstrate this respect.
• Seek women who will help you succeed professionally by offering a continuous supply of encouragement, understanding, and assistance.

Why don’t they just break up already?

Reflecting on that night, sitting across the table from a young couple whose incompatibilities were obvious to everyone present, I realize now why they’re clinging so tightly to one another despite the fights, inadequate communication, disrespect, and constant disappointments.

Each has had to contend with tragedies; each has trust issues; each has control issues; each had an exit strategy from Day 1.

The mood swings, the outbursts of emotion, the lack of emotion, the various dysfunctions, medications, and pride … they’re looking for a solution in a partner. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way.

A partner cannot fix you, cleanse you, exorcise your demons, heal emotional scars, or cure psychological disorders. That has to come from within you. A partner’s support helps in the short-term — but fights, stress, and strain cause that support to be withdrawn — leaving each wounded soul worse off than before.

The support becomes a crutch, an analgesic. Remove it and resentment will naturally begin to accumulate. Never mind the reason for removing it: support is expected unconditionally because that’s what unconditional love is, right? Well, no — this has nothing to do with love.

If the “supporter” becomes entwined in her own issues, anger will flood the relationship, as both adamantly believe that the other is being selfish, unloving, unsupportive, and wrong.

Troubled people can become mentally and emotionally addicted to this support.

No, this has nothing to do with love, of course. This is the selfish desire for a fix. This is unhealthy and unsustainable. This will leave both parties less trusting, less stable, and more determined than ever to find a new fix when the relationship finally ends after an extended and horrific break-up/make-up period. Maybe one or both will look for a new fix before the relationship ends.

It’s not pleasant to witness an unhealthy relationship.

If you’re in such a relationship — as the “supporter” who is being emotionally black-mailed, GET OUT. RUN.

If you’re the one demanding continuous support even for self-destructive activities and even when your partner is struggling with her own issues … never mind, you probably won’t admit it. It’s never your fault anyway, right?

My Saturday night evolved into a therapy session. Conversing with a troubled couple, certain questions and themes emerged. The questions this week are the result of this discussion.

When I asked each to identify the primary problem with their relationship, each answered “communication.” Of course, it is and is not that simple. Regular readers of this blog will recognize that the ability to communicate is, to me, one critical  key to relationship health and longevity. Without effective communication, you have good sex and bad problems — and, eventually, worsening problems will kill the sex and then you have nothing.

How do we as a couple communicate more effectively?

Women have different communication styles: don’t be conned by the wordsmiths who are blowing smoke up your ass and don’t ignore the strong, silent types who prefer to let their actions “do the talking.” Communication style is linked to personality, which is extremely stable over time. Women don’t change personalities; women don’t change the way they communicate. They will revert to their natural tendencies.

Don’t gauge her by how she communicated with you when you first met. Hormones and emotions will override natural tendencies. Over time, examine how she communicates with you when she’s upset, angry, tired,  and/or drunk. Does she ignore you? Does she stop talking to you? Does she not care about how what she is saying affects you? Does she rant and rave, throw things, threaten you? Yes? That’s the way it is, friend, and that’s the way it’s going to stay — for as long as you’re in a relationship with her, which likely won’t be long.  She doesn’t respect you. Do yourself a favor, run away. Far and fast.

How about you? Do you bring external pressures you face back home or on a date with her? Do you snap at her for no reason? Do you passively-aggressively ignore her when she’s talking to you in person, dismissing her and her problems? Yes? You’re an asshole then. Good luck finding a series of doormats for you to verbally abuse. You really should grow the fuck up.

Communication is non-negotiable; the lack of effective communication within a relationship should be a deal-breaker.

You can either communicate effectively with someone, or you can’t. This is one reason why you should never rush into relationships. You can be attracted to someone, like someone, admire someone … but if you can’t freely, openly, consistently, and genuinely communicate with her, the attraction, affection, and admiration will waste away.

When you’re out in the bars or coffee-shops or music festivals and see two physically mismatched women together and they’re smiling and having a great time, and, you think to yourself, why the HELL are those two women together?  THEY CAN COMMUNICATE.

When you see the perfect couple sitting side-by-side at a table ignoring each other completely while looking  adorable … they CAN’T COMMUNICATE.

Issues with abuse, addiction, and infidelity just don’t surface when effective communication exists in a relationship. Intra-relationship domestic, sexual, professional, and personal problems don’t arise. Why not? BECAUSE YOU CAN TALK ABOUT ISSUES BEFORE THEY ESCALATE INTO ACTIONS.

There’s not too many tips and tricks with communication. Find someone who you can communicate with. That’s your best shot at a successful, mutually satisfying relationship.