The Dyke Whisperer

For what are we thankful? Make an actual or mental list. Reflect on it and consider how fortunate we really are.

For whom are we thankful? We know. Let’s call them, e-mail them, and tell them.

When is it time to be thankful? Always. Thanksgiving is just an annual reminder. We shouldn’t take our fortune, friends, and loved ones for granted. Ever.

How often should we be thankful? Whenever we’re breathing.

How should we demonstrate our thankfulness? With grace and gratitude, love and respect, goodwill and compassion.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I desperately want to get back with my girlfriend. We had a terrible fight. I was a jerk. I realize that now. I’ve been going crazy. I’m trying to get her to talk to me so I can apologize. I can’t sleep at night. Help!

Miserable in Madison

Dear Miserable,

Slow down. Give her some time. Don’t sound crazed and desperate because that might scare her or make you look unstable.

Have a short, sane conversation with her closest friend. Tell the friend you were a jerk and just want the chance to apologize. The friend’s reaction should provide you with critical information as to the state of mind of your ex. If the friend appears helpful and wants to listen to you, that’s a positive sign. If the friend wants nothing to do with you, that’s not so good.

Don’t talk to any other of her friends about this. Just one. Word will get back to her soon enough. You don’t want to make a dozen separate scenes of craziness in front of a dozen of her friends. If any of her friends approach you about the subject, assume all blame and responsibility for the fight and the unfortunate consequences of the fight.

Wait some more.

Buy/make her a gift. Nothing expensive or extravagant. Just something that you know will be meaningful to her.

Wait until she receives the gift.

Wait another day or two (hopefully, she’ll call).

If she doesn’t call, then call her and invite her to her favorite restaurant.

If she doesn’t answer or doesn’t call you back, you need to leave her alone. Maybe she’ll approach you in the future.

If she says “yes,” you better be one polite, solicitous, charming, compassionate, sweet lesbian. When you see her, apologize and change the topic. Enjoy the evening. Don’t expect this to be fixed during one dinner, though that’s what you’re hoping.

Give her space; give her time. Be courteous, respectful, available, open, and contrite.

Good luck!

This is war. People have taking our rights from us in California. We must fight back. We must not become hysterical or violent. We must fight with our dollars.

I invite you to access the Proposition 8 Donor Database. It was compiled By Richard Dalton, a computer-assisted reporting specialist, for the Associated Press. I urge you to boycott the businesses owned by those that supported Prop 8 and promote discrimination against gays and lesbians.

We’re fighting for equality and our families. Keep that in mind when you decide where to vacation, what hotel chain to patronize, and which restaurants to visit. If our enemies want to deprive us of marriage, the least we can do is deprive them of our dollars — all of our dollars.

Unfortunately, we can’t depend on GLAAD and HRC to lead us in our struggle. Obviously, the leaders of these two groups were sleeping when our enemies were plotting, amassing, and strategically leading an assault on us. We still need to support these well-meaning groups, but we need to light a fire under their collective asses and assume individual responsibility if we are to attain the equality guaranteed us under The Constitution.

Fight because it’s the right thing to do. Fight with all your passion. Fight with grace and dignity. Fight with your cash and credit cards. Fight because they’ve given us no choice.

The California Supreme Court has accepted to hear three lawsuits seeking to overturn Proposition 8. The Court did not elaborate on its decision.

All three cases claim the ban abridges the civil rights of a vulnerable minority group. The cases assert that voters alone did not have the authority to enact such a significant constitutional change.

Three questions the CA Supreme Court must address:

1. Is Proposition 8 invalid because it constitutes a revision of, rather than an amendment to, the California Constitution?
2. Does Proposition 8 violate the Separation-of-Powers doctrine under the California Constitution?
3. If Proposition 8 is not unconstitutional, what is its effect, if any, on the marriages of same-sex couples performed before the adoption of Proposition 8?

Although rejection hurts — it really hurts — we must realize that at least we have achieved closure where one woman is concerned.

Of course, it is difficult to think rationally with a wounded heart so that conclusion may take some time to reach.

If she doesn’t want you, that means you are free to pursue other women and free to give your heart to someone who will accept it. Look at it as a beginning for you, not an ending.

Resist the petty and harmful urges to retaliate. It’s over. Let go. You are intact. Your pride may be damaged, but you are whole — even though it might not feel that way.

You will love again.

This is a wake-up call.

You know that woman you’re in love with? You know, the one you’ve been pursuing for the last couple of months — or longer? The one that you keep dropping subtle hints to about your attraction to her and your intentions?

Stop with the subtlety already! She’s not getting it! She doesn’t think you’re interested! And, when she does finally get it, she’ll think you’re shy (how freakin’ cute!) or a complete wimp (too bad for you).

Tell her!

(Or, at least, tell her best friend.)

It is despicable to lie to and deceive a close friend. When this is done to pursue a woman both the liar (secretly) and the best friend (openly) both like, it is worse.

Any woman who would stab a friend in the back for sex is worthless.

Any woman who would stab a friend in the back for any reason is worthless.

Relationships that begin amid lies and deception tend to end amid lies and deception.

Sometimes, a simple text message can make someone’s day. Be sure to send them out to your loved ones and be sure to appreciate these small but significant messages liberally. You never know when one is going to make someone smile on a particularly dark day.

There are times in life when we are assholes. We might not be raging assholes, but we’ll say or do something that hurts another’s feelings.

Assessing blame is irrelevant.

Say that you’re sorry — even if it doesn’t fix the situation or nullify what you did. Say you’re sorry because it’s the right and decent thing to do.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I was just laid-off from my job last week. I could feel this coming, but I had hoped I was just being paranoid. I’m anxious, jumpy, and moody. My girlfriend is trying to be supportive, but whatever she (or anybody else) says seems to hurt my feelings or make me angry.

I’ve been the calm, strong one in the relationship. I’m certainly not either one right now. I just need space and can’t baby her right now during this personal crisis. How do I communicate this to her?

Freaked Out in Farmingdale

Dear Freaked Out,

You did a good job of communicating your sentiments to me. No one should be burdened with assuming the “calm, strong” role. Similarly, no one should be condemned to the “nervous, weak role.” We need to be able to take care of each other during times of crisis, which will always occur (eventually).

Tell her that you’re scared and worried. Tell her that you love her (if you do) but that, during this crisis, there’s a part of you that’s in survival mode. Continue: when you’re in survival mode, (1) you just won’t be able to give her the attention that she’s used to and (2) you expect her to provide you with comfort and support.

Depending on how ingrained your roles have been over the course of your relationship, she may or may not be able to deal with this request. For your sake, I hope she’s a reasonable woman and not a spoiled, intentionally pseudo-helpless girl. You’re about to find out for yourself. Good luck!