The Dyke Whisperer

Dear Dyke Whisperer, How do you know if a relationship is over? I don’t think I love my girlfriend any more. It’s a very sad situation.

Tracy in Dover

Dear Tracy,

Do you feel like you have to make a conscious effort to be nice to her? Do you have to remind yourself to kiss her? Is all “affection” routinized and devoid of all real affection? If you answer “yes” to these questions, you may have lost romantic feelings for her.

If you can imagine her with someone else and you are relieved by this prospect or if you have started wishing that she would just leave you, the relationship might be lost.

It’s really not this simple though. Sometimes, we get in a rut, and we believe the relationship is the cause of this when, in fact, the problem(s) exists within us. Sometimes, we go through painful, unnecessary break-ups only to discover that we needed to grow up or grow wiser. Then, we seek to renew our relationship with our former lover/girlfriend/partner only to find that she has moved on and is with someone new.

Proceed slowly and with caution. Look within first.

The most intoxicating substance on this planet is a sensual woman, i.e., a woman who knows just how to caress you and move with you. A sensual woman has the ability to haunt you and rob you of your reason.

Simultaneously, she is the best and the worst thing that could ever happen to you.

Don’t bring past relationship problems into present relationships. It’s not your current girlfriend’s fault that a prior girlfriend broke your heart and made a complete fool out of you. Most of us have been through that. At least once.

Don’t let past relationship problems hinder your efforts to find a new love.

Don’t generalize about women based on bad interactions with a few.

Don’t be impatient: smart, sensible women take their time in deciding whether they want to date you or not.

Be generous with your respect; cautious with your trust.

Don’t lose faith in your judgment: we all have been misled by someone. Errors and bad judgment produce good judgment.

Believe in the possibility of true love.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, Why are women so cruel? I have just been scorched HARD by a beautiful, evil woman.

Burned in Boston

Dear Burned,

People have a remarkable capability for cruelty, not just women. It sounds like you need to spend some time healing. Remember this, although it won’t help you much right now: the cruelty you have absorbed has the ability to make you appreciate kind and compassionate women even more. 

I’ve never met a woman who wasn’t burned in at least one love affair, usually there are several romantic torchings to endure through life. You won’t believe me now, but the pain won’t last forever.

People are cruel because they are indulging their selfish and/or disturbed impulses. Sometimes they realize this character flaw and change; sometimes they just continue to inflict pain. Sometimes, when we’re hurt, we want to lash out or cause pain. Don’t fall into this dark space.

Cry, heal, and go on with your life at your pace.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, Can you distinguish between love and desire? Can you have love without desire?

Lisa in Newark  

This is a deep philosophical question that has been discussed thoroughly throughout the centuries, but I’ll try to provide a short, meaningful answer.

When you desire a woman, you want to get something from her. If you seek sensual pleasure from a woman, you desire her.

When you love a woman, you want to give something to her — and you do not require anything in return. There is no obligation in love.

Desire is the foundation of relationships based on utility or pleasure. There is a time element to desire: “I want you now.” “I need you.”

Love is more permanent. Additionally, love involves giving freely with no expectation of a return of love. Love is never based on a fair exchange, as are associations for utility or pleasure.

Obviously, you can have desire without love.

I believe you can have love without desire, but this would reflect a platonic love.

In erotic love, unselfish desire comes into play as well, where one’s primary and ultimate motives are to provide rather than to receive sensual pleasure, or to engage in a mutually satisfying union.

Feeling important makes a person heavy, vain, and clumsy. To be a visionary, one must be fluid and light. If we take life too seriously — if we fool ourselves into thinking we have time — we miss so much.  I’ve been guilty of that lately. Endless meetings; negotiations; worldly awareness. I know that these pursuits lack real meaning and only serve to create an air of false comfort and distraction, which can stifle the spirit and dull the soul.

Being out of control is dangerous business. You’re racing against a head-wind, blind, driven, and tormented. Trouble will find you.

Being in control is dangerous business. You’re strapped into a chair while the world and its magic spins around you, while you are passive and weak. Stagnation will find you. I’ve been too in control.

There should be a balance. Being tossed unexpectedly into a night of pure silliness, where laughter trumps time and time trumps reason will do wonders in restoring that balance.

To believe that the world is as you think it is, is stupid. The world is a mysterious place, especially at dusk on a windless October morning.

It is sheer joy in just living without attaching any intellectual purpose to it.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, How do you mend a broken heart? Yes, I know that’s the title of a song, but I really need to know.

Crushed in Indy

Dear Crushed,

The best — and maybe only — way to effectively mend a broken heart is to find a new love. There’s not a heart that can’t be fixed with brand new love.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, My girlfriend wants to set aside one night a week to go out on a date. I think this is too rigid. I enjoy being spontaneous! What do you think?

Amy in Dallas

Dear Amy,

I don’t think your views are mutually exclusive. You could set a night each week where one of you totally surprises the other with an activity that is completely unexpected. Also, there is nothing to keep you from being spontaneous the other six nights of the week.