The Dyke Whisperer

Recently, I went to a local bar to watch a football game. A friend brought along a friend who had never been to this establishment before. The friend’s friend, while friendly and outgoing, does not possess dazzling beauty or wondrous charm.

My friend’s friend noticed a waitress (not our waitress) almost instantaneously. By the second quarter of the game, my friend’s friend announced that she liked this waitress. Near the end of the third quarter, she told the waitress that she liked her and wanted to go out on a date. The waitress agreed. My friend’s friend smiled for the remainder of the game.

Who knows whether the relationship will work out? Who knows if there will be a second date? There was no analysis, no second-guessing, no solicitation of friends’ opinions. She simply spotted a woman she found attractive and asked her out.

Sometimes, you just need to act; you just need to ask.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, There’s a woman at work who says she’s straight but always flirts with me. Is she serious or is he just fucking with me?

Frustrated in Dayton

Dear Frustrated,

It’s not possible for me to know. Sometimes, straight women just want the attention. They flirt with anyone who is receptive to flirting. There is a possibility, though, that she’s not straight — or wants to experiment.

If you’re interested, let her make the first physical move. Don’t stand close to her; let her come to you. When she’s happy and relaxed, look her dead in the eyes and ask her if she’s interested in you. Her reaction should tell you everything you need to know.

Please realize that she really might be playing you. She might be experimenting. This is always the risk involved when interacting with a flirtatious woman who identifies as straight.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, My girlfriend’s mother is a mean bitch who insults me constantly every time we’re within 20 feet of each other. I’m sick of it. I have told my girlfriend that I no longer will be around her mother. Was I wrong?

Bev in Baltimore

Dear Bev,

You certainly are under no obligation to be insulted and verbally abused. Realize, though, that your girlfriend will likely maintain a relationship with her mother. You have made your decision; your girlfriend should understand and respect it. Now you must respect her decision to continue to see her mother.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I know my girlfriend is unhappy with our relationship. I’ve asked her a hundred times what I can do to fix things. She just keeps saying she’s not happy. What do I do?

Sad in Birmingham

Dear Sad,

She may be dealing with issues at work that she doesn’t want to burden you with. Maybe she’s having family problems. There is obviously a communication problem, which, in my estimation, is the worst kind of relationship problem because it indicates that the relationship is not sound.

You seem willing to listen and want to save the relationship. If she isn’t comfortable sharing with you, you need to either gently persuade her to discuss her feelings and/or concerns with you or back-off completely and hope for the best.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, When I get a girl’s phone number, how long should I wait before calling her?

WJR in Milwaukee

Dear WJR,

If you are interested, call the following afternoon. It is not important to seem “cool” or “casual.” You want to appear interested if you are interested. Likewise, if she gives you her e-mail address or user name for a social networking website (e.g., MySpace or Facebook), “add” her the next afternoon. Let her know you want to get to know her better and that you want her to get to know you.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, Why are women so emotional?

Robyn in Arlington, TX

Dear Robyn,

Most all people experience all emotions. Some women are compelled to express their emotions more than others. Some women are more sensitive. Sometimes, circumstances will cause a woman to be more emotional or to express emotions at an exaggerated level.

There are women who tend not to show their emotions. Personally, I would rather deal with an emotional person than one that lacks affect, but that’s just me.

I have found that when women feel insecure they tend to become emotional (especially if they’ve been drinking). If a woman is unsure of her status in a relationship, she might be emotional or even emotionally volatile at times. Uncertainty regarding family or professional issues can result in emotional outbursts too.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, My girlfriend has an old car that’s falling apart. She can afford to purchase a new one but insists on sinking money into the old junker. When I try to explain to her that it isn’t a financially wise move to fix up an object that is deteriorating, she becomes angry. Should I pursue the topic, leave it alone, or set the old car on fire and be done with it?

DL in New Orleans

Dear DL,

I can relate to your girlfriend: I, too, have an irrational attachment to an old vehicle. It’s based on the fact that everyone I’ve ever loved — including those who have passed away — have ridden in it. It doesn’t make sense, but I refuse to part with my old truck, despite high maintenance costs and ridiculously bad gas mileage.

Maybe your girlfriend also has an illogical but very strong attachment to her old car. If you want to score MAJOR points with her, support her devotion to her vehicle — no matter how silly you think it is. If you want to piss her off, keep nagging her about an object that she loves. Maybe one day she’ll find someone less logical and more indulgent, and you’ll both be happier.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, My girlfriend and I have moved in together. She believes that we should merge our finances and have one bank account. I am hesitant. She says I don’t trust her enough. What do you say?

Laurie in Palo Alto

Dear Laurie,

I say that you should have had this discussion BEFORE moving in together. I think a compromise that still allows you both some security and autonomy is to have a separate account used to pay common expenses such as rent, utilities, Internet access, etc. Each of you could put in an equal amount of money every two weeks or month (whatever makes the most sense).

BOTH of you need to have access to this account, and both of you should monitor it regularly.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, How do I attract women? I seem to always have to do most, if not all, the work?

GT in  Houston

Dear GT,

Be confident in who you are. Weak, whiny, whimpering women are irritating, boring, and exhausting.

And, remember: dating women is basically a numbers game. You have to date many women to find the few that are compatible with you. That’s why it’s important to be yourself and be confident in yourself. If you pretend to be someone else, you’ll never discover true compatibility so you’ll be doomed to a series of failed relationships.

If you are not confident in who you really are, you won’t be attractive to healthy, stable women — and will be doomed to a series of failed relationships.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, What are some signs that a woman is interested in you?

Bon-Bon in Austin

Dear Bon-Bon,

Popular books have discussed body language. Social scientists have studied body language extensively and attraction. There are certain indicators of desire among women, but please understand that generalities might not apply to individuals. However, if you see more than three of these signs, you certainly want to ask for her phone number and/or stick around to see how the interaction evolves.

Physical Signs of Desire

1. Lip pouting
2. Touching her face and hair (preening behavior)
3. When communicating with you, her voice becomes louder and her gestures more exaggerated (she wants to stand out from crowd)
4. Mispronouncing easy/familiar words (you’ve distracted her)
5. Forgetting what she is saying
6. Turning to you so that she’s almost facing you head on (don’t squirm; stay in one spot).
7. Laughing a lot
8. Initiating physical contact of any kind
9. Mimicking behavior, i.e., you move your chair, she moves hers