The Dyke Whisperer

Dear Dyke Whisperer, How do you I know she’s the one?

Shelley in Indiana

Dear Shelley,

You think about her all them time, except when you’re dreaming about her at night. When you’re not with her or talking to her on the phone or texting her, you’re thinking about the next meeting, phone call, or text message you’ll send her or receive from her.

You view objects as to whether she would them like or dislike them. You already have her presents for the next three birthdays and Holidays picked out in advance, but you can’t wait until then to give them to her so you give them to her on a random Monday afternoon.

You know her favorite songs, beverages, dream vacation spots, childhood books, cartoon character, Beatle, reality TV show, play, sushi bar, socks, way to relax, way to un-relax, cheese, jeans, sweatshirt, lunch place, and words to hear before she falls asleep. You know her fears and want to protect her from them.

She has the ability to work your emotions (all 11 of them) in ways you never knew were possible. She makes you forget every crush you’ve ever had and realize that those other girlfriends were pretty much meaningless compared to her.

Your primary purpose of every routine day-time encounter with her is to make her smile, hear her laugh, gaze into your eyes, and hold her hand.

Sexually, you are ready for her anytime, in anyplace, and under any circumstance. You can’t get enough of her, in any sense.

You are unable to cheat on her, even though the opportunity presents itself because the thought of sexually touching another woman repulses you. Infidelity is simply not an option no matter how drunk, horny, or lonely you may become.

Generally, if you have to ask — if there’s any doubt — she’s probably not the one, or you’ve been burned severely in the past and need to let go and trust your heart.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, Why does my girlfriend have the need to constantly purchase expensive electronic gadgets? She’s 28. Will she outgrow this? Is it a phase?

Sick of gadgets and gadget-talk in Atlanta

Dear Atlanta,

It is likely not a phase. Your girlfriend is a gadget-phile, a genetic condition. She will continue to collect, discard, discuss, and lust for gadgets her entire life. Actually, it could get worse.

Think optimistically: you’ll ALWAYS know what gift to get her because she’ll tell you explicitly. You’ll always experience the magic glow of 10,000 little red LED lights penetrating the darkest night (unless there’s a black-out and your girlfriend doesn’t have an inverter or battery backup).