The Dyke Whisperer

If you’re a stalker, stop it. Just stop it.

If she’s broken up with you, let her go. If you still love her, tell her that, tell her the door’s open to her return, but let her go. Following her, monitoring her, attempting to hack into her e-mail account(s) — this is NOT how to win her back.

A control-freak tendency that manifest in stalking behavior is probably one of the reasons she left you in the first place. Understand that women need space and expect trust from their girlfriends/partners.

The most likely person to stalk you is a psycho-ex, a scorned ex, an ex who has caught you cheating, or a ex who is acting psycho because you broke up with her. These women already know where you live, work, socialize and what car you drive. Worse, they might have a record of your Social Security Number, driver’s license number, financial account numbers (including PINs), and the contact information for every one of your family members, friends, and work associates.

Stalking exes LOVE to maintain close contact with your friends and family members. It’s the easiest way for them to maintain contact with you and monitor your life.

They might even know the passwords to your e-mail account(s) and social networking pages.

In other words, they can stalk the total shit out of you — effectively, efficiently, continuously, constantly, and thoroughly. They can call you at any time, at or from anywhere, or at or from any place. They can also text you and e-mail you at will.

They can — and will — show up where you are.

How do you handle this nightmare? I haven’t found an effective remedy yet. Sorry. You can block their texts and e-mail messages, but they can always change numbers or e-mail addresses. You can’t prevent them from entering a public place. Unless, they threaten you, you can’t call upon the police.

You don’t want to humiliate them in public because that might transform them from pests into violent criminals.

Don’t get your new love interest or girlfriend involved in any physical or verbal confrontation: that’s EXACTLY what the psycho wants.

The best response might be the lack of a response. Don’t respond. Of course, this might infuriate them.

If anyone knows of any strategy that works, let me know, and I’ll post it.

The most likely person to stalk you is a psycho-ex, a scorned ex, an ex who has caught you cheating, or a ex who is acting psycho because you broke up with her. These women already know where you live, work, socialize and what car you drive. Worse, they might have a record of your Social Security Number, driver’s license number, financial account numbers (including PINs), and the contact information for every one of your family members, friends, and work associates.

Stalking exes LOVE to maintain close contact with your friends and family members. It’s the easiest way for them to maintain contact with you and monitor your life.

They might even know the passwords to your e-mail account(s) and social networking pages.

In other words, they can stalk the total shit out of you — effectively, efficiently, continuously, constantly, and thoroughly. They can call you at any time, at or from anywhere, or at or from any place. They can also text you and e-mail you at will.

They can — and will — show up where you are.

How do you handle this nightmare? I haven’t found an effective remedy yet. Sorry. You can block their texts and e-mail messages, but they can always change numbers or e-mail addresses. You can’t prevent them from entering a public place. Unless, they threaten you, you can’t call upon the police.

You don’t want to humiliate them in public because that might transform them from pests into violent criminals.

Don’t get your new love interest or girlfriend involved in any physical or verbal confrontation: that’s EXACTLY what the psycho wants.

The best response might be the lack of a response. Don’t respond. Of course, this might infuriate them.

If anyone knows of any strategy that works, let me know, and I’ll post it.

[I apologize: this is going to be a bit confusing.] 

To keep stalkers at a distance on the Internet, consider setting up two different MySpace pages and/or two different Facebook pages (use a different e-mail address for each MySpace/Facebook page).

Use your real name for one and make it very plain and tame. Update it about once a week. Have a your acquaintances, classmates, and work associates on it; have a few small pictures on it. Stalkers and potential employers will view these pages and believe they are scoping you out. You might want to make it a private page anyway, depending on how open you are to being found by old friends, potential employers, and/or psychos.

Meanwhile, create MySpace and Facebook pages with “fake” names, i.e., a name that is not and does not resemble your given (real) name. MAKE THESE PAGES PRIVATE! MAX OUT THE PRIVACY OPTIONS!

You’ll be able to openly communicate with your friends on these pages. DO NOT SHARE THESE PAGES with the acquaintances, classmates, and work associates on the pages with your real name. Stalkers will thoroughly investigate EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR “FRIENDS’” PUBLIC PAGES.

Additionally, DO NOT POST A PICTURE OF YOU AS THE AVATAR ON YOUR FAKE-NAME PAGE. Stalkers are sick but clever.

Finally, there are legitimate IP trackers available for MySpace. Get one for your pages. A savvy stalker will be forced to use an IP-cloaking website and this might curb his/her enthusiasm for monitoring your site constantly.

Examples of Stalky Behavior 

If someone has a MySpace or Facebook page and another person views it every so often, that’s perfectly fine (obviously). If the page is being viewed, either that person has a public page or has “friended” someone. In either case, that person is inviting people into their social networking world.

If someone checks another’s MySpace or Facebook page several times a day (unless one is engaged in ongoing communication on the page), this is obsessive behavior. It may be a sign of “stalkiness,” infatuation, or interest. It might also indicate a lack of trust in the first stages of a burgeoning relationship.

If someone attempts to hack into another social networking site, this is dangerous stalking behavior. Likewise, if a person has been blocked from a page and assumes another identity to re-visit the page to gain access, this is stalky.

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If someone gives another — let’s say a potential romantic interest — her physical address and that someone drives by to see where she lives, that’s normal curious behavior.

If a woman gives another woman her address and that other parks her car near the entrance and watches the woman enter and leave, this is stalky behavior.

If a woman surreptitiously finds another woman’s address, monitors her, follows her, and takes/collects photographs, this is an invasion of privacy and dangerous stalky behavior.

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If a person examines another’s phone and reads her text messages secretly, that is stalky behavior.

If a person reads another’s e-mail messages (obviously not sent to that person) without permission, that is stalky behavior.

If a person secretly stakes out another’s house (apartment), place of employment, or social activities, that is stalky behavior.

If a person intensely investigates the social networking pages of a woman’s ex or exes, that is stalky behavior.

If a person logs IP addresses and is not paid to do so, that is stalky behavior.

Of course, the secret installation of GPS tracking devices is stalky behavior — and is probably illegal in some states.

If a person associates with the friends of a woman with the sole intent of gathering information about that woman, that is stalky behavior.

For the purposes of this blog, we will define stalking as persistently and secretly observing, following, or contacting another person. This includes obsessively seeking and obtaining personal information about another.

Now, a certain amount of investigation of a potential love interest is natural and wise. Also, the thorough investigation of a potential employee (or employer), spouse, potential business partner, roommate, tenant is responsible activity. In each of these situations, one should expect to investigate and/or be investigated.

However, when the process is ongoing and undertaken in secret, i.e., without the other person’s knowledge and/or consent, stalking occurs.

So when does natural curiosity or responsibility end and stalking begin? Unfortunately, judging from my anecdotal evidence and the e-mail messages I receive, some either choose not to recognize these differences or have no idea that their compulsive monitoring is a sign of obsession.

We’ll discuss this further — addressing specific issues mentioned in reader e-mails – starting tomorrow.

Greetings to all!

I receive a disturbing number of e-mails regarding various aspects of stalking — from women who are stalkers, are being stalked, want to learn how to stalk, want to rid themselves of a stalker, etc.

So, next week, starting Monday, August 11, I will begin a five-part series on stalking.

Thank you for your support, and I wish you all the best, always.

  – The Dyke Whisperer

Dear Dyke Whisperer, How does a woman be in a relationship and maintain her independence?

Sadie in Hamburg

Dear Sadie,

This is a critical issue. How does one be a vibrant, caring, attentive, responsive, and loving partner while staying true to oneself and one’s individuality?

I believe the only way to accomplish this is to find a woman who is equally as devoted to you as to her own independence. This threatens many women, who either seek the false comfort of a dominant partner or the false control of a submissive one. (Please note that I am not referring to fetish lifestyles here.)

In most couples, someone takes a dominant role in the relationship or in aspects of the relationship (e.g., finances, social life, recreation, etc.). Once someone assumes dominance regularly and routinely, the other’s independence — if it ever existed — will be threatened and ultimately compromised. This will lead to friction in the relationship as a struggle occurs or resentment as one loses her self-identity.

Women who are capable of being both independent and committed are rare and beautiful beings who should be respected and cherished. I wish you luck in finding one.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I am an International Business major and have the opportunity to study abroad. I was really excited, but, when I told my girlfriend, she became angry and said “it was out of the question.” She won’t discuss this with me, saying that if I go, she’ll break up with me. Would love to hear your comments on this.

Stunned in Boston

Dear Stunned,

There are several problems here. First, you need to study abroad as an International Business major. That’s obvious. Second, the “out of the question” response is indicative of a control freak. Not good. Third, not wanting to discuss this issue that is very important to you demonstrates a lack of respect. That’s three strikes; she should be out of your life.

The relationship is dysfunctional. The question is whether you want to remain in a warped relationship with a control freak who doesn’t respect you or not.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, My ex won’t leave me alone! She calls and texts me constantly. And, she’s the one who broke up with me! How do I politely tell her that I don’t want to communicate with her?

Harassed in Seattle

Dear Harassed,

Tell her directly and pleasantly — in answering one of the many calls — that you no longer have anything to discuss with her and then hang up. Block her number.

If she calls you from other phones, you might have to get a new phone number. Yes, it’s a bit of a hassle because you have to let all your friends know, but she will stop contacting you — unless, of course, a mutual friend/acquaintance provides her with your new number.