The Dyke Whisperer

Dear Dyke Whisperer, Do you believe that two people are meant to be together?

Romantic in West Hollywood

Dear Romantic,

Yes, I do believe in destiny; however, only time — we’re talking years here — can reveal whether a pairing reflects your destiny. Destiny isn’t revealed over the course of a week, month, or year — or even a few years.

Destiny is the sum of changing circumstances, situations, life choices, and fate. If after you and she together and separately endure the sunshine and storms of life and she’s still there — and she’s still the one for you — then yes, you are destined to be together.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I started dating a 32-year-old woman seriously about 2 months ago. I’m 38. Yesterday, she mentioned that she wants children. I do not want children. Is there a way to convince her to not want kids?

Cowgirl in Cheyenne

Dear Cowgirl,

There’s real potential heartache here. The desire for children in a mature woman is not a topic that is open for debate. She wants kids. You do not. You two are incompatible. I suggest you end this relationship now.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I have been with my partner for four years. We get along, we don’t fight, and we don’t complain. However, it is becoming obvious to me that I love her more than she loves me. I often surprise her with little gifts and notes. I always make it a point to tell her I love her. She appreciates my gifts and notes, and she’ll respond that she loves me too. She also never gives me little gifts or tells me she loves me without me saying it first. I’m starting to wonder whether I made a good choice in partners.

Depressed in Denver

Dear Depressed,

Your partner just might not be as expressive and open as you. Now, if she didn’t appreciate or acknowledge your efforts, that would be different. If you told her that you love her and she left the room, that’s different as well.

There are plenty of reasons to doubt someone and/or break up. The reasons you mention are not sufficient. If she’s there for you when you need her, if she is loving in her own quiet way, if she is faithful and kind, if she cherishes you, then she is a good partner and deserves the respect and love you offered her in the past.

If you believe you need more out of the relationship, that’s a legitimate concern; however, the “more” you seek shouldn’t be related to “little gifts and notes.”

Reconsider your situation. I believe that you are omitting some important information about your relationship, you have found another woman who is giving you plenty of attention, or you resent your partner for something more significant.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I met a young woman at a bar on Saturday night. I have to admit that we were both drunk. I know that I might be misreading the events of that night, but, if I’m not, we had the best chemistry on the face of the earth. We exchanged cell numbers by calling each other while we were sitting at the table. I want SO badly to call this woman, but I don’t know what to say, and I don’t want to mess up. What do I do?

Nervously Excited in Corpus Christi

Dear Excited,

Text her.

“Hello, this is ____________. We spoke at ____________ Saturday night. I enjoyed chatting with you and hope we can talk again soon.”

Her response (or lack thereof) will clue you in on her perception of you and your conversation.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, Are “asexuals” for real?

Doubtful in Dallas

Dear Doubtful,

Yes. Some people have little or no sex drive due to low hormone levels, trauma, or just lack of interest.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I just found out accidentally that my girlfriend of six months lied to me about her parents. She said they were both deceased when, in reality, they’re both very much alive — and living in the same city we live in!

I don’t know what to feel or do. If she could lie about her parents, what else is she lying about? Help!

Deceived in Aurora, CO

Dear Deceived,

Hold on. Maybe the parents are “dead” to her. Maybe they rejected her for being gay. Maybe she rejected them for abuse or neglect. Maybe they think she’s straight. In other words, don’t take “dead” too literally.

I suggest you let it go. Maybe she’ll reveal the details of their obviously shaky relationship to you when she’s ready, if she’s ever ready. You have only been her girlfriend for six months. YOU may think that’s long enough to establish complete emotional intimacy, but she may not. Give her some time. Besides, it really has no impact on your relationship with her at this point.

I certainly would not hold this against her, and I don’t think it’s an indication that she is being dishonest in general.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, My girlfriend claims that she saw me masturbating in my sleep. She’s upset now because she thinks she doesn’t satisfy me sexually. I’m just confused, but it’s starting to really piss me off. Any suggestions?

Sleep Perv in Kew Gardens

Dear Sleep Perv,

You are NOT responsible for what you do in your sleep or what you dream about. That being said, just tell your girlfriend that, occasionally, you have these REALLY erotic dreams about her. Remind her that she’s your girlfriend and that no one else matters to you sexually. Also, tell her that she’s fantastic in your dreams but better in real life.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, My live-in girlfriend and I have been arguing way too much lately. It seems like any little thing will set one or both of us off. I love her very much, but we’ve both been under a lot of stress. I don’t know what to do.

Keri in Lincoln

Dear Keri,

Work on calming yourself. That’s all you can control.  Think of an image, find a photo, have a song handy that makes you happy and content. It might be a good idea to temporarily have some “buffer” time between when you finish work (I’m assuming you’re both working) and when you see her at home.

Maybe go to the gym, a park, a coffee-shop (for a small coffee or tea), or a neighborhood tavern (for one or two beers). Maybe go to the grocery store (unless that stresses you out) and grab some fruit for dessert or wine for dinner. Just engage in some mindless activity that allows you to calm down.

See how this works for you. Encourage her to do the same. Maybe alternate — with one of you going directly home to lie down and de-stress, while the other de-stresses in one of the ways mentioned above.

It’s difficult sometimes to make the transition between work and home.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, My smart-ass co-worker says it’s better to be straight than gay. I know she’s kidding but would like some sort of reply to her. I’m not a very clever person. I’m more of a “numbers” type. Thanks.

Kim in Spokane

Dear Kim,

The rain here has dampened my synapses a bit, but here you go:

The 10 Top Reasons Why It’s Better to be a Lesbian:

   10. We can excel in academics and get dates.

    9.  We can excel at sports and get dates.

    8.  We can go to the gym, laundromat, or take out the trash without applying makeup.

    7.  We can order the food we actually want on dates.

    6.  We can wear sensible shoes (or fancy cowboy boots) if we want to.

    5.  We can always be as tough or as sensitive as we want or need to be.

    4.  We never have to answer the question, ”Was it good for you?”

    3.  Although lesbian assholes are more difficult to detect, there are less of them.

    2.  Nothing important ever gets flaccid (and stays flaccid) at critical moments.

    1.  Love-making can — and does — last for hours at a time. Consistently. For real.

Co-Dependency works until one woman becomes the target of an aggressive suitor and realizes that’s she’s in an unhealthy, uninspiring, co-dependent relationship. This leads to general craziness in her clingy partner, driving the two further apart and making the still-dependent partner potentially dangerous.

These relationships DO NOT END WELL. Violence can erupt after the clingy partner believes that she is losing ”the love of her life.” Yes, co-dependent women might actually prefer a dead partner than a partner who leaves her for another.

Unfortunately, I’ve seen it happen.

Cell phones were specifically invented for co-dependent lovers. Co-dependent lesbians are the most possessive people on the planet. It’s a scary phenomenon to behold.