The Dyke Whisperer

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I have a wonderful girlfriend, a great job, and good friends. I am also exhausted and overwhelmed. Sometimes, I just want to curl up in bed alone for an extended period of time. I find myself snapping at my loved ones and friends and then I feel guilty. Help!!

Overwhelmed in Austin

Dear Overwhelmed,

Explain to your girlfriend that you need some time to yourself. Explain to her that to be your best you need to re-charge your batteries now and then. Tell her it’s not a reflection of her or your relationship but rather the results of life in general. Tell her this is not a vacation but your own way of centering yourself. Explain that you’ll be reading, hiking, swimming, etc, — depending on what you want to do and the destination you choose.

Now, this is key: tell her that you’ll call her twice a day, in the morning when you wake up and in the evening when you go to bed. Other than that you’re cell phone will be turned off. Leave your laptop at home. This is about re-charging.

If possible and depending on your job, arrange to take a Friday AND a Monday off of work. If you can’t manage both, then try for a three-day weekend. If you can’t do that, then a weekend will have to do.

Leave as SOON as you can, in the afternoon/evening. Go somewhere relatively close so that your girlfriend will know that, in an emergency, you could get back to her quickly.

Call your girlfriend when you arrive. If appropriate, tell her it’s a beautiful/great place and that, next time, you’ll go together.

Then, relax. Do whatever you need to do — spa, wine, tea, nature, museum — to relax.

When we encounter a difficult decision, we MUST act. Or, must we? Sometimes, especially in matters of the heart, emotions drive us to act or to demand actions. This is where an ultimatum begins: you MUST choose between two (usually equally pleasant or unpleasant) alternatives, or, you decide to FORCE someone to make a similar choice.

This attitude — this mindset — often breeds trouble, heartache, and/or devastation when applied to relationships.

We grow up admiring “people of action,” i.e., individuals who are able to make difficult — sometimes life and death — decisions on the fly. We call these people “heroic.” However, these “heroic” situations do not involve relationships.

Sometimes it’s best NOT to act. To — as difficult as it is — remain still. To allow the situation or the actors involved to shift. In a verbal argument, sometimes the BEST tactic is simply to remain silent; likewise, in a struggle of the heart, sometimes the best tactic is to NOT act.

I realize that this may be difficult for younger readers to digest because many of you will equate not-acting with indecisiveness and weakness. Sometimes, with your passion raging, you feel and think that you simply MUST act.

Consider this statement: Decisions made or forced under conditions of restlessness, panic, desperation, anger, jealousy, and fear might be REALLY bad decisions. Decisions that you’ll regret for a lifetime.

If you’re crying, don’t react to or present an ultimatum.

If you’re raging, don’t react to or present an ultimatum.

If you’re drunk, don’t react to or present an ultimatum.

Just breathe and wait for the inevitable shift that will happen.

I might expound on this later, but, in my experience — in my life — I’ve discovered three truths regarding relationships, decision-making, and the maturing process.

1. Maturity is the ability to break your own heart to save a loved one from pain.
2. Maturity is the ability to not react emotionally to a situation that requires thought.
3. Maturity is the ability to subdue the driving pressures of restlessness, panic, desperation, anger, jealousy, and fear by waiting for internal and/or external environments to shift.