The Dyke Whisperer

The coming-out process is highly personal and infinitely variable. Whatever your experience, please remember that your coming-out process should be a reasonable, managed affair and NOT a reaction to an emotional driver, such as an argument with parents/guardians, other family members, friends, or colleagues.

Whatever your situation, I wish you the best if luck: whether you’re out, ready to come out, not ready to come out, or in the closet.

This wraps up my discussion of the coming-out process for now. If I haven’t covered your specific situation, feel free to e-mail me (holla@the-dyke-whisperer.com) at your convenience.

Next week, we will resume our regular format. As always, thank you for your support, encouragement, and readership. Have a wonderful weekend!

   – The Dyke Whisperer

Each gay person who comes out makes all gay people stronger, in both a social and political sense. As we become stronger, we will begin to be acknowledged as equals who deserve the SAME RIGHTS  and SAME BENEFITS as heterosexuals. Strength and unity will one day result in equality.

Congratulations to the lesbians of the State of California:

“… limiting the designation of marriage to a union ‘between a man and a woman’ is unconstitutional and must be stricken from the statute,” California Chief Justice Ron George said in the written opinion.

California’s Supreme Court ruled that a ban on gay marriage was unlawful, effectively leaving gay couples free to marry in a landmark ruling.

I better be invited to at least one wedding.

The Top 10 Reasons to Come Out:

10. You can wear clever t-shirts with clever slogans about being a lesbian.

9.  You can listen to out lesbian musicians and go to their concerts (e.g., k.d. lang, Melissa, Indigo Girls, Amy Cook, etc.) whenever you want to.

8.  You can openly flirt with female bartenders, waitresses, and other service personnel.

7.  You get to hang out with other cool, out lesbians.

6.  You should get more dates.

5.  You can defend gays in public when an asshole makes a disparaging remark.

4.  You can prove that you are not ashamed of who you are.

3.  You don’t have to tax your brain by trying to keep pronouns ambiguous when discussing your girlfriend.

2.  Women who are interested will make their intentions known more readily and more obviously.

1.  You don’t have to pretend you’re someone you’re not.

I feel particularly sorry for those of you faced with coming out to fundamentalist parents, regardless if they are well meaning people and regardless of the particular sect they are affiliated with. Religious zealots ARE zealots because they have relegated individual decision-making to a code of morals that is interpreted by a charismatic, power-hungry, emotionally twisted leader — who is skilled at manipulating the “word of God” to influence his/her obedient flock into not only funding his/her lavish lifestyle but applying inflexible (to others) “holy” or “moral” principles to any situation that may occur.

 [Pardon my forthcoming sarcasm.]

We all know that homosexuality is SO evil that even GOD didn’t have the stomach to mention it in His commandments to Moses. It is so heinous that Jesus didn’t even want to address it. “Love one another” — but not in THAT way, is what he meant to say.

The prospect of homosexuality is so distasteful to religious fundamentalists that some feel the need to actually engage in it privately — just so they can reaffirm their devotion to their religious principles when they are caught. Brave moral soldiers are they.

[End of sarcasm.]

Fundamentalists believe that God showers them with prosperity as long as they are devoted, tithe, occasionally handle snakes, have numerous spiritual wives, fly jets in buildings, murder innocent mothers and children, start wars based on lies, torture, rape, exploit, and intimidate — all in the name of the prophet of their choice.

Now, how do you handle this craziness? You don’t; you can’t. Your coming-out will be “proof” that your parents are immoral. “You will know them by their fruit.” They’ll hate you for embarrassing them in front of their pious peers, who are probably closet perverts, adulterers, whore-mongers, and evil assholes.

They’ll tell you to pray. They’ll want to send you to one of those despicable “de-programming” camps. By the way, if you’re ever in the need for raw sex and reckless behavior, date one of those de-programmed lesbians, if you can find one that’s not too doped up on prescription drugs and cheap bourbon to perform.

Distance is key. I suggest that you wait until you’re away from home (at college, for example) to tell them, either in person or in a letter (no e-mails, please). Tell them at the beginning of a semester. You’ll have another place to live so you won’t have to live with friends or sympathetic relatives. Be prepared to spend Christmas with other gay friends who have been abandoned by their parents.

Don’t, however, leave one prison — one cage — to enter another one, namely the prison of a romantic relationship now occurring in hyperdrive because you have been kicked out, financially cut off, or generally disowned. Coming-out is a personal process that is about YOU, not about you and your girlfriend. Coming-out is about YOUR freedom, which should NOT be abandoned for the temporary comfort of a domineering or subservient girlfriend. Be YOU first, before you attempt to be part of an “US.” If you don’t, “us” won’t last — and you might face the prospect of searching for the perceived comfort of yet another prison.

If you are young, you might be faced with the unique prospect of coming out to your parents or guardians, while (1) they are financially supporting you AND (2) you KNOW they’re going to disapprove (minimally) or possibly disown you/kick you out of their house/apartment.

You MUST understand the following: DO NOT CONFOUND ISSUES.

You want your family (primarily parents or guardians) to ACCEPT you because you are gay. You had NO CHOICE in the matter. It’s like being accepted for being blonde or African-American or Asian or Latina. You just want to be accepted for who you are. It’s like them accepting Algebra: they might not like it, but you are who you are. You deserve to be accepted.

Acceptance is the PRIMARY issue of coming out to family and friends. Now, JUST BECAUSE THEY ACCEPT YOU AND / OR LOVE YOU DOESN’T MEAN THAT YOUR PARENTS AND GUARDIANS ARE GOING TO AGREE WITH DECISIONS YOU MAKE.

In other words, DON’T TIE THE COMING-OUT — WHICH DOES NOT INVOLVE CHOICE — with LIFESTYLE ISSUES THAT DO INVOLVE CHOICE.

Being gay is who you are; moving in with your girlfriend DOES NOT involve acceptance, it is a decision open to agreement or disagreement. DON’T mix the two. If you do, the perceived BAD / IMMATURE decision — which involves a choice — makes your gayness SEEM LIKE a choice too! By mixing your natural sexual orientation (which more and more seems to be based in biology and physiology) with decision-making, you will lose credibility.

ACCEPTANCE DOES NOT EQUAL AGREEMENT. KEEP YOUR COMING-OUT SEPARATE FROM YOUR DECISIONS. Realizing this and acting accordingly will make sense to intelligent, sensible young people. The immature will, like children, just want what they want when they want it, further solidifying their perception AS children — children who are not able to understand what it means to be gay (as unhappy, disappointed parents will strongly and likely insist).

It is BAD form to out someone else. In your everyday conversations detailing what you and/or your friends did and who you and/or your friends saw, be mindful that the individuals who you are discussing may or may not be out.

If someone takes you into his/her confidence about being gay, consider that trust to be sacred. Subdue any needs you may have for attention and keep your mouth shut about his or her orientation. It’s not your place to out someone. Ever.

You are gay. You were born gay. No specific action or incident made you gay. There is NOTHING to justify. What made you have brown hair? What made you have green eyes? It’s just how you were made.

Keep this in mind when you come out: the individual(s) listening to you are going to react. You can’t control that; however, you can help guide them through this process by remaining calm, steadfast, strong, and rational. This is no time for hysterics on your part.

Tell them but don’t feel the need to offer a storyline of your personal discovery. You’re gay; you know you’re gay. It is now up to the person you have told whether he/she wants to retain his/her social ties to you or not — build, burn, or strengthen bridges.

“I’m gay. I didn’t think I could tell you before because of a variety of issues. I have resolved those issues now. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier. It’s who I am and who I will be.”

The apology will appeal to any compassion that this person has. Realize you are NOT apologizing for being gay; you are apologizing for not telling this person earlier.

You’ll need to answer the inevitable questions with short, rational answers.

“I’ve always been gay.”

“No, I don’t have a crush on you.”

“My family doesn’t know yet. I’ll tell them when I’m ready.”

“A few people at work know.”

This is no time to be dramatic. If the situation is right, get it over with and get on with your life.

It is always important to remember that this is YOUR life, and YOU should be in control of how, when, where, why, and to whom you come out. Unless you are at a point and location in your life where these issues don’t matter, then the coming-out process must be managed. Be especially wary of well meaning, loud-mouthed “friends” who can’t for the life of them keep secrets.

This means that you should reveal your sexual orientation how, when, where, why and to whom when YOU WANT TO, under rational conditions. For example, when you are engaged in a heated dispute with your parents, when you are in an altercation, or when alcohol overtakes your ability to be rational and sensible, you need to shut the hell up about your sexual orientation. Think about the situation and the ramifications, ESPECIALLY if you are telling your family members, roommates, friends, or others that may or may not have a clue – and who have a direct bearing on your day-to-day existence.

If you present a rational case (I’ll discuss this tomorrow), you stand a better chance of being accepted MORE readily and MORE rapidly, and this is what you want.

Yes, I realize that some of you are reading and thinking: “what the fuck! I’m going to tell whomever I want, whenever I want!” Great. That means you’re probably already out. You are not who I’m advising right now. We all don’t have the circumstances, the fortitude, and the sensible opportunity to be out at any given moment in our lives.

There are several factors that making the coming-out process less harsh. Notice that I didn’t say “easy.” The truth is, it’s very rarely an easy process.

If you have family members who are liberal, you’ll probably have an easier time. Most liberals either accept gays and lesbians or pretend to. Family members might be shocked; they might have known all along. In any event, you’re less likely to be rejected and tossed out on the streets or out of their lives.

Since major metropolitan areas across the globe are known to be more intellectually and socially progressive than rural areas, it is also easier to come out if you live in a large city. Friends and family members will surely have acquaintances, co-workers. and friends (even close friends) who are out, making them more likely to accept you living as an out gay person.

I believe the primary factor in easing the coming-out process, though, is the existence of a support system. Regardless of where you live and the social politics of your family, if you can find just ONE gay or completely accepting friend, ONE gay or completely accepting family member, ONE gay or completely accepting teacher / professor (you KNOW which one, the one that’s cool, hip, and always saying potentially controversial things), you’ll KNOW that you have at least one person in your corner. You’ll have one person to talk to about the particular and specific circumstances that surround YOUR coming-out process. Of course, if you can find more than one of any of these individuals, it’s even easier, mostly because you won’t feel so isolated and alienated.

If you can’t find one person who will support you — one gay friend, colleague, classmate, or neighbor — you’re in for some lonely times until you can relocate — and, you’ll NEED to relocate.

Just remember that you’re not alone, you’re not defective, you’re not doomed to your current life, even though it might feel that way. You just haven’t found home yet. Let strength, patience, perseverance, and the promise of love carry you through the dark and lonely times. How do I know? I’ve been exactly where you are.

“Coming out“: explicitly revealing your sexual orientation

It is difficult, if not impossible, to generalize about “coming out,” but, because I receive so many e-mail messages on the subject, I’m going to attempt it.

Is it risky? You bet. Matthew Shepard, Arthur Warren, and Paul Broussard (who I knew personally) were both murdered because they were gay and out. Countless others have been killed, beaten, ridiculed, denied promotions, discarded by their families, abandoned by close friends, dismissed as defectives, bullied, humiliated, insulted, and scorned because they were gay and out.

How many senseless crimes and unspeakable acts are committed against gays that we’ll never know about because the victims, the victims’ families, or law enforcement officials did not or will not come forward. What adjectives can I possibly use to describe these acts or these circumstances?

Yet, we come out.

Everyday — in rural areas, major metropolitan centers, college towns, the suburbs — we come out. Now, PLEASE, consider you’re own situation. Don’t out yourself if you are at risk of physical harm. If you live in an intolerant place or among intolerant, violent assholes, it might be better for you to WAIT before you come out. Wait until you leave that miserable hell-hole, especially if there’s no obvious support-system (family, friends, teachers, law enforcement officials, etc.) for you to access.

Tomorrow (May 6), I will identify some variables that either encourage or hinder the coming-out process. Despite these factors, though, it is to your psychological benefit to reveal your true self, if only to one or two other individuals — IF these individuals exist in your world.