The Dyke Whisperer

No controversy today. 

Just a simple wish for you to enjoy this weekend wherever you are. If you have a girlfriend/partner/wife, make sure she knows that you love and appreciate her, that you still find her attractive, desirable, interesting, and adorable.

If you are single and want a girlfriend, commit to meeting three new lesbians every weekend in June. These new acquaintances may be — or may know — the woman of your summer dreams.

If you are single and want to stay that way, indulge yourself in whatever gives you pleasure.

Best wishes to all. I’ll resume the regular format on Monday.

   – The Dyke Whisperer

Some couples like to “film” themselves having sex. Today, camcorders are relatively inexpensive and advances in technology have resulted in video that is surprisingly clear and sharp.

A friend of mine was shocked recently when, after being informed by a curious acquaintance, she viewed herself and an ex having sex on a porn website. She has contacted an attorney and is considering legal action against her ex; however, she is not sure whether she wants to publicize the existence of this video further.

She is beyond upset, beyond furious. How many people have watched the video? How many times was the video downloaded to someone’s personal computer?

Moral of the Story: It might not be a good idea to create a permanent video record of your sexual activity in what can be a temporary relationship.

Have fun but be careful.

Those who enjoy porn (as defined in the blog of May 26) aren’t perverts simply because they enjoy porn. Some women are extremely visual and their sensuality is heightened by viewing erotic images.

Those who reject porn aren’t prudes simply because they refuse to watch porn. For whatever reason they just aren’t enticed by erotic images. Perhaps auditory or tactile stimulation excites these women.

Those who reject porn for intellectual or ideological reasons, i.e., because it objectifies women, believe they are fighting against the oppression of women. Their cause is a noble one, whether or not you agree with their reasoning or tactics.

Some who make porn marketed to lesbians are artists and visionaries. I believe Bren Ryder and some others fit into this category.

Some who make porn marketed to lesbians are businesspeople that capitalize on a niche market.

Those who attempt to force porn on those who are not interested in viewing it are insensitive creeps.

Those who attempt to humiliate or belittle others who enjoy porn are uptight assholes.

Those who reject porn outwardly but enjoy it secretly are weak, hypocritical cowards; those who pretend to enjoy it while inwardly repulsed are kindred spirits, spineless and afraid.

Re-Inventing Porn by Bren Ryder

Bren Ryder is the creator of GoodDykePorn.com, an independent amateur hard core pornographic video website which proudly features authentic queer women having amazingly hot sex.

I’ve decided to change the meaning of the word porn.  Currently, it’s a fairly dirty word.  When people hear the word porn, images of sleazy men ramming their cocks into disinterested women inevitably come to mind.  Mention “lesbian porn” and we think of Barbie-type women lightly touching each other with very long finger nails.

Besides changing the word porn, I want to change the meaning of the word dyke, as well. So far, we’ve lovingly appropriated the term and spun it into a positive self-identification. That’s a very good start, but it too conjures very narrow images.  I don’t want to define these words.  I just want to open up their meaning to include so much more than before.

Enter dyke porn.  This is a new genre that few pornographers are claiming as their own.  By using the word dyke instead of lesbian, we’re differentiating from the images you’ll see in typical girl-on-girl scenes that are geared towards a predominantly male audience.  To be dyke porn is to be something entirely different from traditional porn.  Women aren’t being exploited, they’re creating the images themselves, with each other.  They’re enjoying the experience.  They’re authentically expressing their sexuality.  They’re being treated appropriately.  The experience of doing a porn scene is as important as the final visual outcome.

When women make porn with other women and include various individual expressions of gender and sexuality, something magical happens. What we’re watching is indeed porn, but it’s different, it’s beautiful, it’s intimate, and it’s as varied as each individual woman is herself. This is my work. To change the meaning of the word porn.

I know a lesbian couple that regularly watches pornography together. They watch straight porn, gay male porn, and lesbian porn. To them pornography is one method of foreplay.

I know several lesbians who watch porn occasionally, say, between relationships or when a partner is out of town.

I know several lesbians who find porn nauseating and loudly criticize those who watch it.

I know of one lesbian couple where one finds porn nauseating and the other secretly watches it — a lot.

I could keep going …

Is pornography exploitation? Is it simply the visual stimulation of sexual desires? Is it just downright nasty? Is it symbolic of women’s sexual freedom? Is it indicative of wanting to be more “male?” Is it silly? Is it serious? Is it liberating? Is it dangerous? Is it erotic? Is it obscene? Is it art? Is it trash?

Depending on whom you ask — and depending on the material(s) in question – the answer to all the above can be “yes” or “no.”

Feminists in the 70’s and 80’s were clearly divided on this issue, with one faction strictly anti-porn and the other definitively pro-porn. Much has been written on this topic.

One problem we have — and that the US Supreme Court has had — is, first, defining what porn is and what it is not. “I can’t define it, but I know it when I see it” seems like SUCH a cop-out. it is difficult to have an intelligent or casual discussion of anything if we can’t agree on exactly what that thing is.

For the purpose of this discussion, I will present the following working definition of pornography as the visual depiction of sexual activities among consenting adults for the purpose of sexual arousal in the viewer.

If one wonders — of ANY depiction of visual sexuality — whether it is art or pornography, then it’s art.

This week we will hear from a true expert on the subject.

I have received several questions concerning various aspects of pornography and lesbians. I realize that many find all pornography to be exploitative. I also know that some lesbians find pornography to be sexually stimulating. Others would like to watch porn but cannot find “real” lesbian porn. Still others are nauseated by the concept of sex on film. In short, pornography offers a variety of topics to discuss in a civilized, serious, and/or silly manner.

So, next Monday, May 26 (Memorial Day in the US), I will begin another multi-part series. I’ll attempt to address specific questions I have received and will offer my worthless perspectives on the topic. I will attempt to bring in a “guestbian” who has true insight and expertise on lesbian pornography. I don’t know whether she’ll agree to use this forum for this discussion, but I will use my mighty powers of persuasion and charm in an attempt to lure her here.

In any event, stay tuned. Thank you for your support and readership. For those of the US who have a long weekend, enjoy yourselves immensely but remember that most everyone has a cell-phone camera with video capabilities these days.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I am so lonely. I have a difficult time making friends and have abandoned the thought of finding a girlfriend. I hate to sound so pathetic, but it’s true. Do you have any advice for me?

Lonely in Milwaukee

Dear Lonely,

1. You may be suffering from depression and should seek the advice of / interaction with a counselor, who can further direct you. Your feelings of isolation and hopelessness may be the result of a biochemical imbalance.

2. I’ve visited Milwaukee several times, and it seems to be a lively, progressive city! I think one of the best things you can do is volunteer at a non-profit organization. Become a docent at the art museum, work with children, battered women, abandoned pets, the homeless. Whatever your personal passion is, find a non-profit that will allow you to express yourself. You are likely to find other volunteers who are as passionate as you.

As a volunteer, you’ll be able to control how many hours you participate and when you interact with others. These organizations are volunteer-driven so, with maybe a few distasteful exceptions, you should be welcomed and appreciated. If you volunteer and don’t feel comfortable or appreciated, find another organization!

Dear Dyke Whisperer,

I just found out that someone I consider one of my best friends has been spreading rumors and lies about me. I know this for a fact. I am crushed and feel stupid and used. I have the knowledge and the ability to retaliate. Should I?

Sad in Fort Worth

Dear Sad,

First, I’m sorry to hear this. Though this won’t give you comfort right now, realize that most everyone you know has had this happen to them or will have this happen to them. You are not alone and shouldn’t feel stupid that you were betrayed.

Second, I don’t suggest retaliation. That won’t make you feel better in the long-term. You now know this person is not trustworthy so you have learned a lesson, although it is a painful one.

Third, give yourself some time to grieve. You have lost a friend and that’s difficult on anybody at any time under any circumstance.

Fourth, don’t fall into the counter-productive mode of feeling the need to defend yourself or justify any actions. Rise above it and keep being who you are. Entering the “she said / she said” arena leaves many wounds and few survivors.

Fifth, this person is no longer worthy of your time and consideration, but you still have a social life and must interact with mutual contacts. If other friends or acquaintances ask about your viper-ish ex-buddy or about the “conflict” (actual or fabricated), simply say that you don’t know why she is saying these things, you don’t speak to her any longer, and that, despite these developments, you still wish her the best. Stay calm when you make such statements. You have now taken the proverbial higher road and have not soiled yourself in needless drama and bullshit.

Yes, the “break-up” between you and your friend might be THE gossip for a while, but it won’t last long. Soon, there’ll be another source of gossip that overtakes it.

I wish I could tell you that this won’t ever happen again, but it probably will. No matter how many times we go through this, it still hurts. However, you will have and find other true friends.

Best wishes to you.

Dear Dyke Whisperer,

Have you ever been on an Olivia Cruise? If so, I’d love to hear your review of the experience. My friend and I are thinking about going on one.

TB in KC

Dear TB,

I have never been on an Olivia Cruise but would love to go on one. I think it would be a blast, but I’m extremely extroverted and tend to have a good time wherever I go.

One of my close friends loved it; another didn’t like it so much. The former was looking for fun and found it; the latter was going through a difficult period in her life and was just generally unhappy at the time so I don’t know how much of her reaction to the cruise was tainted by her foul mood.

In response to your question, I examined the Olivia Website. The cruises certainly look fun, and there seems to be plenty of options that could suit individual preferences and objectives.

Olivia directly targets lesbians and, in doing so, supports “our cause” and recognizes us as a viable, distinct market segment. So, I encourage you to go on an Olivia Cruise if you have the resources and the opportunity. Feel free to use this forum to sing the cruise’s praises or to air your grievances. Just e-mail me your critique, and I’ll be happy to post it for you.

Dear Dyke Whisperer,

Dear H.,

Don’t. Tell her that you’re concerned that YOU’RE putting on weight / getting a little flabby (whichever is more appropriate). Be enthusiastic about YOUR new (or improved) diet, exercise, and overall health program. Tell her that you’ll only be preparing, eating, or ordering certain food / menu items until you achieve your goals.

Ask her to join you in your exercise routine. MAKE SURE SHE’LL BE ABLE TO DO IT. Depending on her fitness level, just ask her to join you for a walk to “warm up” or “cool down” (if you’re actually in good shape and exercise regularly).

Tell her that you want to complete a 3K, 5K, mini-marathon, triathlon, etc. (depending on YOUR fitness level). And, since she inspires you, you’d like her support and company.

DON’T EVER pressure her, belittle her, or try to humiliate her.

Make this about YOU, and, unless she has some emotional driver behind overeating or a physical problem that makes exercise unbearable, she should want to join you IF YOU MAKE IT FUN, DOABLE, PURPOSEFUL, and ABOUT YOU.

Now, she might refuse. I’m assuming she’s a rational adult so, if she refuses, that’s it. YOUR choice is whether you want to accept her as she is or not.