The Dyke Whisperer

Some lesbian couples jump into “we” mode quickly: “We love Japanese food”; “We don’t like hockey.” There’s this notion that the pair is perfectly compatible, inseparable, and share the same opinions on just about everything, despite differences in personality or attributes (i.e., “she’s the smart one, but we like all the same movies”; “she’s the athletic one, but we like the same restaurants”). After the novelty of the relationship wears thin, these differences will emerge and, often, couples don’t know how to deal with the realization that they are more different than they once believed.

In multicultural relationships, the differences in the couple are usually obvious and varied. They don’t expect each other to mirror their respective desires, tastes, and opinions. Each woman in a multicultural couple is introduced to new experiences, foods, art, films, music, etc. The result can be a truly spectacular pairing, as each woman grows individually while the relationship evolves.

Different cultural backgrounds — different ethnicities, religions, nationalities, etc. — should NEVER be a reason to shy away from a relationship. Multicultural relationships tend to have a great chance of succeeding.

If problems occur, they usually revolve around family issues. With a sense of maturity and priority, these family conflicts SHOULD become less prevalent and/or less intense over time, as women mature and the relationship develops. A woman might have to choose between her lover and her family, though, but that’s not new to gay life in general.

In a relationship between an older and a younger lesbian, the older individual is really at more risk. From the older individual’s perspective, it is intoxicating be in the vertical and horizontal presence of an enticing, energetic younger woman. Intoxicated women, though, tend to make poor decisions.

Often, there is an element of the mentor-protege interaction in these relationships: the older woman is financially secure, experienced, knowledgeable, and eager to please in exchange for the unquestioning, consistent adoration and acquiescence of the younger woman.

Take caution, however: if an older girlfriend/partner effectively nurtures her younger lover, the younger woman will eventually no longer need her. This relationship cannot survive if it is based on dependence, rather than love and respect. If you do not respect the younger woman’s decision-making abilities, she will resent you when she begins to mature. If you require unquestioning obedience, you would be better served with a well-trained dog. You cannot expect an imbalanced relationship to remain out of balance and to be stable in the long run. Nature forbids it.

That being stated, very few woman under the age of 25 know what they want out of life or themselves. They may have themselves convinced that they do, but they don’t. They are still growing, learning, and developing, which is beautiful to observe as a friend but may be difficult to adjust to in a relationship.