The Dyke Whisperer

The Vibe is temporary. Don’t bet on it lasting a long time. You need to act or move on. This is not the time for endless hours of analysis (individual or group). Time is a-wastin’.

Vibe-Promoting Traits, i.e., factors that improve your chance of seducing a straight woman (not absolutely necessary, but, the more of these you possess, the more likely you will be in seducing a straight woman):

1. She positively KNOWS you’re gay.
2. You are single. Most straight women have been cheated on. The fact that she knows you’re in a relationship will dampen, if not extinguish, The Vibe.
3. You are sexually experienced. Don’t brag; don’t be an asshole. Don’t have a FUCKING therapy session about all your “psycho” ex-girlfriends (100% Guaranteed Vibe-Killer). Actually, you shouldn’t have to SAY anything. Your demeanor should indicate that you are sexually seasoned, competent, and eager to please.
4. You are older than she is.
5. You are professionally accomplished.
6. You have an air of power and health: mental, physical, and emotional. Depending on where you live, go for a measure of spiritual power as well.
7. You don’t put on the “macho” act. Be who you are: nothing more; nothing less.
8. You don’t put on the “high-maintenance femme” act. Be who you are: nothing more, nothing less.
9. You have substantial social capital, i.e., people know you and like you.
10. You are a good listener.
11. You make her laugh
12. You are financially stable and can afford to go out socially and, occasionally, buy her a meal or a few drinks.

Vibe-Breaking Traits, i.e., factors that inhibit your ability to seduce a straight woman (I hate to tell you, but these really are Vibe-Breakers, as well as irritating personal habits in general):

1. You are not “out.” She isn’t sure.
2. You complain too much.
3. You are emotionally needy.
4. You are openly in a relationship with another woman and have indicated that you have no desire to change the status of that relationship.
5. You are unemployed or under-employed, and will likely remain that way for months.
6. You ignore her to try to get her attention. You probably thinks this is effective, and it is when you’re trying to seduce a lesbian. It’s not effective for straight women. If she liked being ignored in public, she’d be with a boyfriend.
7. You become evil or psychotic when you drink.
8. You have asshole friends or no friends.
9. You are mentally, emotionally, and/or physically unhealthy.
10. You don’t know when you shouldn’t be ultra-competitive.
11. You don’t have your own place, car, and/or personality. You’re broke all the time.
12. You’re ALWAYS on your DAMN cell phone.

[Remember: these Vibe-Breaking traits apply to the seduction of straight women. Even though a lesbian possesses nearly all of these Vibe-Breaking traits, she is still able to seduce desperate/inexperienced/young/stupid lesbians.]

I will assume that the seducing lesbian possesses NONE of the Vibe-Breaking traits and at least eight of the 12 Vibe-Promoting traits.

Stay tuned …

We know about “The Vibe.” The Vibe is the intense sensation when you’re certain that a woman wants you. The Vibe is a magical, enchanting force. It is both undeniable and omnipotent: NOTHING can mitigate The Vibe — not smalltalk, not relationship status, not physical location, not social circumstance.

The Vibe overpowers all these variables. That doesn’t mean The Vibe compels a woman to act: it does not. If you are in a relationship and feel The Vibe with another woman — and you want to maintain the relationship — you must avoid the woman with whom you have The Vibe.

The perception of The Vibe is also SUBJECTIVE. Different lesbians have different sensitivities when it comes to discerning The Vibe. Arrogant lesbians ASSUME they’re feeling The Vibe when they’re not, which is why they can appear so cocky and creepy to mature women. Shy lesbians deny feeling The Vibe when it’s there. Sometimes, you want so desperately to feel The Vibe that you look for intellectual cues to confirm its existence. This is not a productive strategy.

The Vibe exists on a carnal level outside the realm of intellectual analysis and emotional yearning. As such, you can’t “figure it out” or will it to be. It is. Or, it isn’t. Like energy, it can’t be created. Unlike, energy, it can be destroyed, as we stupidly try to label it as “love,” not realizing that these are two separate — VERY SEPARATE — states.  Love involves the heart; true love involves the heart and the mind. The Vibe involves the core of a person, the entirety of a person. Keep in mind: there is no guarantee how long The Vibe will last.

[You realize that there are probably straight guys reading this that don't know what the hell I'm talking about, don't you?]

Having the ability, the accurate sensitivity to detect The Vibe is the key to initiating a relationship with a straight woman. As a lesbian, you should be able to recognize The Vibe; as a straight woman, she won’t. She won’t be able to explain this pull she has toward, let’s say, you.  She may never have felt this before. Sure, she may have felt longing, passion, intimacy desire, love; however, The Vibe exists only between two women.

I know you know what I’m talking about. If you don’t, you’re missing out.

If you feel The Vibe in your social interaction with a straight woman, you may proceed to Step 2, which I’ll discuss tomorrow.

Let’s establish a baseline first. FOR THE PURPOSE OF THIS SERIES, I am identifying a “straight woman” as one who IDENTIFIES as straight. She tells others and herself that she is straight, with no exceptions. I am identifying a “lesbian” as a woman who IDENTIFIES as a lesbian, whether she’s out, in the closet, has a boyfriend, has never had a girlfriend, etc. If she identifies herself as a lesbian to herself or others, then she’s a lesbian.

For the purposes of this series — and this blog, really — WHO YOU HAVE HAD SEX WITH IN THE PAST IS IRRELEVANT. Your sexual orientation is WHAT YOU SAY IT IS TO YOURSELF AND OTHERS TODAY.

No one can tell you how to pronounce your name — no matter how you pronounced it in the past. No one can tell you who you are sexually attracted to now — no matter who you were sexually attracted to (or thought you were) in the past.

Martina Navratilova dated men in NYC in the 1970s. Elton John married a woman. Are these two bisexuals? Were they straight for a time?  No, of course not. The past is NOT prelude when it comes to our sexuality.

This particular series does not address bisexuality. I’ll leave that for another time. If you are just curious as to what it would be like to have sex with a woman and wonder about it from time to time, you’re probably not a lesbian — unless these thoughts haunt you during most of your waking hours and the thought of sex with men is beyond unappealing, venturing into the realm of repulsion. THEN, you’re probably a lesbian, and, hopefully, I’ll run into you in a bar or nightclub one night.

“Sexuality is fluid.” This statement irritates me. It’s simply not true for straight women and lesbians. “Fluidity” indicates constant motion, shifting, pliability. Sexuality for these two groups is fundamentally static. HOWEVER, every once in a while, a woman who identifies as straight will become sexually drawn to another woman. I’m NOT talking about drunken college humping. I’m NOT talking about close friends who kiss on the lips when they meet and treat each other with affection. I’m talking about a straight woman desiring an extended sexual relationship with another woman.

“Oh, she’s just ‘bi!’” No, she’s not. Usually, she will say that she’s only attracted to a PARTICULAR woman. IF these two have a sexual relationship, she will more than likely return to men. If she doesn’t then, yes, she is bisexual or a lesbian, depending on how she identifies — and it took the  lesbian she desired to bust her out of her closet.

Okay, now that we have our definitions out of the way. We’ll get to the more interesting stuff starting tomorrow.

Gentle Readers, 

Okay. I’ve heard you. I’ve been avoiding the relentless stream of e-mails regarding topics related to straight women, but, apparently, that’s pissing some of you off.

Straight women. Dynamic sexuality. Seduction techniques. Sex suggestions. The aftermath.

Stay tuned. It starts on April 14 and continues until your questions are answered.

Thanks for your interest, readership, support, and e-mails.

     – The Dyke Whisperer

Dear Dyke Whisperer, My wife expects me to clean up after her. It wasn’t like this before. When we first moved in together, she always did her share of housework. Now, if I don’t do it, it doesn’t get done. Any suggestions?

Tired in Tulsa

Dear Tired,

Invite your wife to a favorite restaurant or prepare her a nice dinner, whichever makes the most sense in your world. Enjoy pleasant conversation. Afterwards, tell her you appreciate the fact that she [fill in the appropriate chores here; I just provided some examples] works hard, maintains the vehicles, takes out the trash, etc. List all the chores she DOES perform. Then, tell her in a calm voice that, despite her efforts, you need her assistance in maintaining the house/apartment. Tell her that it would REALLY help you if she were to [again, provide the relevant list] pick up her clothes, assist with the laundry, clean up after meals, etc.

Stay calm. Don’t accuse her. Be appreciative of what she does. Be specific in what you need help with.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, My girlfriend wears the same old battered t-shirt to sleep in every night. She says she likes it because it’s over-sized and soft. I’ve wanted to throw it away for more than a year. Should I just toss it?

Cam in Sacramento

Dear Cam,

No, don’t throw it away just yet. First, find a replacement (maybe a tank top) she’ll like and find difficult to resist, e.g., a depiction of a clever phrase or symbol that has meaning to her; her favorite cartoon character; a shirt from her alma mater, etc. You’re trying to establish a sentimental link to the new shirt.

Second, the first time you see her in it at either your place or hers (she’ll feel obligated to wear it), slowly remove the shirt and spend the next two hours (more if you’re up to it or she’s from Texas) selflessly satisfying her every sexual desire.

Third, repeat step #2 the second time she wears the shirt. Tell her you find her absolutely irresistible in that shirt.

She’ll keep wearing the new shirt as long as you keep rewarding her for it. The nasty old shirt will no longer be an issue.

 You may have to start working out, and I’d advise you to quit smoking if you smoke.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, Why do women fall out of love?

Sally in Dublin

Dear Sally,

Sometimes, especially among the young, infatuation is mistaken for love, and infatuation fades. Other times, we want so desperately to be in love and to feel that high that what we think is love really isn’t.

Personality, circumstances, context, and personal evolution all affect our emotional state.  In time, we might begin to see women as they really are and not as we would like to see them. Conversely, we might be perceived differently over time. Perceptions shift as reality sets in and novelty wears off and life happens.

Abuse (physical or emotional), neglect, addiction, infidelity all can alter feelings drastically and quickly in a relationship.

Culturally, we are surrounded by, and bombarded with, popular and romantic notions regarding the discovery of life-long, earth-shattering love affairs — about finding “the one.”  Movies make this process seem so silly, easy, natural, and inevitable when, in fact, it is difficult to find a woman with whom you can maintain a life-long romance, much less a relationship.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I recently got out of a 4-year relationship and want to start dating again. The very recent ex of one of my close friends is an attractive and easy-going woman. I think we could be really good together. Do you think it’s okay if I ask her out?

RJ in Toronto

Dear RJ,

I think it’s “okay.” It’s more a question of how this dating may affect your social circle and if you care.  What you’re describing is certainly common in lesbian groups.

 Some advice:

1. Make sure your friend and her ex are truly broken up. If you start dating and they get back together, you will be shifted out of their lives, at least for a substantial time;
2. Don’t get drunk and pounce on your friend’s ex, even if she wants to be pounced upon. She could use the pouncing incident to receive sympathy from her ex, making you appear to be a sexual predator;
3. Don’t focus all your attention on this one woman. Having just ended a long-term relationship, you may not yet be ready to evaluate suitable partners for yourself.

It is difficult to generalize about long-distance relationships. With the assistance of text messaging, IM, and computer cameras it is easier than ever to stay in near constant contact with a girlfriend/partner. I believe this lessens paranoia and frustration, as lovers can “verify” their respective locations and reveal their feelings of love and longing at will.

However, a woman who cheats is going to cheat, whether she’s in a long-distance relationship or lying next to you. Some long-distance lovers have arrived for surprise visits only to discover their loved ones vertically or horizontally interacting romantically with other women.

I think that, if the time spent together is rewarding enough, some women have the patience, discipline, emotional capacity, and fortitude to remain faithful and as actively involved in a relationship as possible, despite geographic separation.

I also think that some women have a difficult time resisting temptation and that the old adage “out of sight, out of mind” can come into play quickly and painfully.

If you rationally think she’s worthy and there are strong indications that you’ll physically be together one day, I think a loving, stable long-distance relationship justifies the investment in time, emotion, and sexual deprivation. Time will demonstrate whether this has been a wise investment or not.

Income disparity within a lesbian couple is an extremely difficult challenge to overcome in the long run. If one woman owns the house and has substantially greater assets/income compared to her lover, the relationship rarely lasts longer than a few years, at most — unless, of course, the relationship is founded on the principles of S&M or B&D (I’ll leave that discussion for another day).

The lesbian with the assets impresses the other with her house, bank account, and promise of an easier life. The problem is that this type of relationship has the potential to reflect a transaction: if you love me, I will support you; if I support you, you will obey me. One lesbian assumes total control over the lifestyle and living conditions of the other. This is neither healthy nor sustainable (outside of a fetish lifestyle).

A woman who owns a house tells her lover who has agreed to move in that “this is your house now.” Well, no it’s not unless the other woman’s name is legally added to the deed (this is a simple and relatively inexpensive process, by the way). The owner of house can kick the other out at any time. If the owner dies, her family can throw the other woman out at any time.

A woman whose “love” is kindled by material prospects and the thoughts of an easier life is objectifying herself. Objects are easy to replace with newer and prettier objects. There is no real security in this relationship for the woman who lacks assets and earning power.
As for the “generous” benefactor of the relationship, resentment will build every time the woman that is supported argues with her, disobeys her. The financially-independent woman always wins every argument and fight, though, just by mentioning that her partner would be living a shitty existence had it not been for her generosity.

Losing every argument and feeling like an object seems to be a common motivator for infidelity, by the way. The financially-dependent lesbian may feel her only and best recourse is to have sex with her benefactor’s friend, family member, or co-worker. Humiliated women want to humiliate too.

Every relationship has a resentment limit. When reached, the couple really doesn’t care about each other — they may actually hate each other — but might stay together because (1) it’s convenient; (2) replacements haven’t been identified; or (3) identified replacements aren’t available. Resentment seems to build up more rapidly in relationships where there is an income/asset disparity.

The most violent, bitter, hostile break-ups I have witnessed have occurred in these relationships.