The Dyke Whisperer

Why not?

If you’re in between serious relationships, single and traveling, or single and adventurous, why not have a fling with a “Sport Bisexual” woman (see the 4/28/2008 post for definition)? As long as you use protection and manage your expectations, you’ll definitely enjoy both the vertical and horizontal company of these free-spirited ladies.

Sport Bisexuals are extroverted, gregarious, socially adept individuals, for the most part. Yes, some are psychos — but there are plenty of lesbians, straight women, and men who are as well.

I realize that frivolous, future-less sexual encounters are not for everybody. I have met more than a few lesbians who state emphatically that they “don’t date for fun.” However, for those who, for whatever reason, seek to have less restrictive relationships, Sport Bisexual women offer the opportunity for lesbians to enjoy the social and sexual company of women without rules or restrictions.

CAVEAT: Don’t fall in love with a Sport Bisexual woman. Don’t ever think she has fallen in love with you. These are NOT the women to “settle down” with. These are the sexual equivalents of ATVs: GREAT for a fun and glorious weekend romp every now and then; impractical for everyday living. Ride one long enough and you’re bound to get hurt.

[For a working definition of "true bisexuals," please see the post on 4/28/2008.]

Some lesbians fear bisexual women as a group because they don’t want to compete with men, or they believe that the bisexual woman in question will eventually choose the easier heterosexual (in appearance, at least) path. Some lesbians talk about the fear of diseases from bisexuals.

All these reasons are ridiculous and indicative of either a weak disposition or ignorance.

As far as “competing for women,” relationships aren’t a sport. Fucking is a sport, and we’ll discuss that tomorrow. Unwarranted fears and generalizations are symptoms of a coward. If you meet a woman and like her, ask if she has a girlfriend or a boyfriend. If she says she does not, ask her out. If, after several dates, you two are compatible and eager for the relationship to progress, what does it matter if she is attractive to men? She’s with YOU! “Oh, but she’ll leave me.” Yeah, with that attitude, so will a lesbian. Enjoy the present!

Yes, it is easier in the U.S. (and elsewhere) today to be a heterosexual. It is also easier to be an asshole, selfish, and an opportunist. NO relationship is guaranteed to last — no matter if vows are exchanged. Don’t generalize; make this between the two of you.

The issue of diseases? Twenty percent of U.S. adults have genital herpes. Promiscuous behavior knows no sexual orientation boundaries, and it only takes one encounter to contract a sexually-transmitted disease. Use dental dams, sterilize toys, be smart and responsible. Get yourself tested and ask her to get tested next time she goes in for a check-up.

“Pathetic Bisexuals” (as defined in the post on 4/28/2008): If you have a boyfriend and you’re pursuing a woman to get her to participate either with him or with him watching, TELL her up front. Real-life lesbians (as opposed to the gay-for-pay, plastic monstrosities involved in “lesbian” porn) aren’t here for your man’s entertainment — and, if you don’t inform a woman of this up-front, you are a pathetic piece of shit.

Find another like-minded bisexual. Oh, wait that means that SHE’LL have a boyfriend too, and YOUR boyfriend won’t be able to deal with HIM being involved, will he? Because that’s “like gay and stuff.” If your orifices cannot satisfy him, don’t come [pun intended] to us.

For clarification purposes, I must present a working definition of “bisexual,” which has both functional meaning AND captures the various motivations behind bisexual behavior among individuals.

There are what I consider “true bisexuals,” i.e., those that are sexually and emotionally attracted to EITHER men or women at any given time. In my (limited) experience, these represent the best potential partners for lesbians. They are attracted to men OR women.

There are “bisexual opportunists.” These individuals just want to have sex with as many people as possible, and, by being sexually available to both men and women, it effectively doubles their sexual opportunities.

There are “sport bisexuals,” i.e., individuals who just want to experience what life has to offer, sexually and otherwise. They don’t like labels, don’t like social boxes, and don’t like being told what to do. They are attracted to whom they are attracted to — gender is irrelevant. They are attracted to men AND women.

There are “college bisexuals,” i.e., young men and women who experiment in college just to see what a same-sex relationship is like (short- or long-term). They abandon this practice (for the most part) when they leave university life.

There are “attention bisexuals,” i.e., men and women who claim to be sexually attracted to the same sex just to receive attention.

There are “pathetic bisexuals“”who agree to have sex with men/women just to attract, keep, or please a partner, boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife.

See, it’s simply not possible to generalize about the members of these dramatically different groups. So, I will use the term “bisexual” as described below:

FOR THE PURPOSES OF THIS BLOG, a bisexual woman voluntarily HAS sex, WANTS to have sex, and / or PLANS to have sex in the future with both men and women. This working definition excludes the “college bisexuals,” “attention bisexuals,” and “pathetic bisexuals” I described earlier.

As lesbians, we need to be able to differentiate between the (1) “true bisexuals” and “sport bisexuals,” both of whom can offer us sustainable relationships and / or satisfying sexual experiences AND the (2) “bisexual opportunists,” who will use us for an indeterminate time before moving on to the next man/woman.

Tomorrow, we’ll begin a discussion about how lesbians interact with these three distinct groups.

As a response to the numerous e-mail messages I have received, starting April 28, I will begin a series on bisexuality and how lesbians coexist with women who label themselves as bisexuals.

I’ll start with a working definition then proceed from there.

I’m pleased to announce that daily readership of this blog has increased dramatically since January 2008. I’m not quite sure what is driving this exponential growth, but be assured that I am most grateful to you for your time and attention.

I especially appreciate your e-mail messages and questions that demonstrate support, goodwill, humor, passion, and loyalty.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

Faithfully yours,

  — The Dyke Whisperer

In no way do I endorse the pursuit of straight women, but, sometimes, we do fall for them. Be warned, however, that this is a treacherous path and can lead to disappointment (minimally) and emotional devastation (when engaged in an extended relationship).

Often, it is NOT the two women involved — not the two personalities, hearts, and souls — but social pressures and peer associations that doom these interactions to never occur or to a short lifespan. Think of all the gay people who are in the closet.

Think of all the personal, social, religious, familial, professional reasons that cause them to stay in that dark and lonely closet. Now, imagine the internal and external struggle of a straight woman when confronted with the choice of entering into a sexual encounter or relationship with another woman.

There are scores of lesbians and bisexuals just waiting to meet the lesbian of their dreams. Although it is simply unavoidable at times, it is not rational to romantically pursue a straight woman. Given that, I wish all of you all the best in all of your romantic endeavors.

You have your friends to confide in. The straight woman probably won’t confide in her friends (at first and maybe never) that she’s had sex with a woman. Don’t be an asshole. Call her first. Invite her to lunch. Bring her a bottle of wine or a small gift.

You have done this before; she hasn’t. It’s a BIG deal. Sex is not just sex. She has never felt this way or experienced the (wondrous) physical sensations involved with lesbian sex. Let her reflect and discuss things with you at her leisure and to her contentment. Some women are moved to tears because they are so overwhelmed. Be compassionate, patient and supportive.

Don’t dwell on the past. Don’t mention your ex-girlfriends unless one of them is on TV or in a movie that you’re currently watching. Really, no one cares. If she brings up ex-boyfriends, change the subject. DON’T get all crazy and pissed off though.

Don’t dwell on the future. No, you may not have a Canadian wedding in your future. You may not have the next weekend. Relax. Don’t tell her about the RV, beach-house, little bar, etc. that you’ve ALWAYS planned to open with the love or your life. Those are YOUR plans and, even though you’ve worked out EVERY detail in your mind, she doesn’t need to hear them now. She doesn’t need to “fit” into your mapped-out existence and, to assume she does, is insulting as hell. 

Don’t assume that you can make plans for her now. She probably doesn’t want to see you play City-League softball or have a pedicure with you at this time.

Don’t rush to introduce her to every lesbian you’re on speaking terms with in the next 24 hours. We all have some scary (however you want to define that) friends. We’re just used to them because they’re our friends, and we love them. Wait a while. Introduce her to one or two (at the most) at a time — OVER time. Avoid couples: both the new couples who make out in front of everybody all the time and the couples who simply tolerate each other because the don’t want to deal with the hassle of breaking up. DON’T take her to a wild lesbian party. DON’T take her to a sedate lesbian barbecue. Baby-steps. You MUST be patient f you want this to last.

Turn your cell off. If you cannot, tell her who is calling you / texting you. Then, tell that person that you’re busy and can’t talk / text. Then, TURN OFF THE FUCKING PHONE.

Don’t stalk her. Ever.

Enjoy your moments together.

Enjoy her enthusiasm.

Enjoy introducing her to new experiences. This is what it’s all about. This has the ability to brighten every harsh moment you will ever have to endure.

Enjoy the present. It’s really all you have and all that matters.

Enjoy turning your cell phone the fuck off. Do you really need to be THAT accessible? Please …

To remind you, The Vibe is a strong, steady, intense, total carnal attraction to another woman. It is physical magnetism. It is NOT an emotion; it is not the result of analysis. It is not desire. For The Vibe to occur, BOTH parties must be Vibing. Vibing is a mutual dynamic.

For those who may not be accustomed to The Vibe — either because of lack of experience, shyness, or lack of self-confidence — the straight woman in question IS PROBABLY NOT Vibing you if she:

1. Wants to do something with you in a group setting only
2. Writes you endless e-mails about her ex-boyfriend
3. Tells you that she has a friend who’s a lesbian
4. Just stares at you
5. Only talks to you when she’s drunk
6. Only wants to chat about gay, political, or social issues
7. Talks to you in a normal speaking voice all the time
8. Is often distracted when you’re around
9. Uses you as her personal psychologist

She may be lusting after you, but it’s a temporary situation that she’ll probably not act upon — OR, she’s a closeted lesbian who may or may not be interested in you.

The straight woman in question PROBABLY IS Vibing you if she:

1. Initiates physical contact often (light hand-touching, gentle arm-rubbing is a giveaway)
2. Lowers her speaking voice, leaning toward you when she’s talking
3. Is afraid to look into your eyes but can’t help it — and then she’s not able to break the gaze
4. Continually asks you the same question(s) (your presence is frying her brain)
5. Has a difficult time leaving you when it’s time to go
6. Gives you at least 95% of her attention when you’re around, maybe more

Of course, YOU’RE Vibing too, so you may not notice any of this. Then again, if you are Vibing, you are probably not even reading this blog because you can’t get your mind off of her.

There are three general types of lesbian-straight relationship outcomes:

1. Relationships that last for years, quite possibly forever
2. Relationships that last for hours; and
3. Relationships that last for a month or so

Long-term Lesbian-Straight Relationships: Sometimes, the chemistry is just there. These two have found each other, and nothing is breaking this bond. Usually, these two either fall into a strict (and comfortable to the participants) role-playing format, or they abandon role-playing stereotypes altogether and establish a relationship Utopia.

Extremely Short-term Lesbian-Straight Relationships: Maybe the straight woman just wanted to see what sex with another woman was like. Maybe the straight woman has too much psychological/social conditioning baggage. Maybe her fear kicks in after the fifth orgasm. The lesbian never sees or hears from her again, or, if she does, the straight woman is cold, distant and refuses to acknowledge that there was ever a Vibe or a sexual encounter.

Short-Term Lesbian-Straight Relationships:

• The Relationship Ends Due to Excessive Lesbian Jealousy / Possessiveness: The lesbian wants to immerse the straight woman quickly and completely into the lesbian lifestyle because she’s afraid the straight woman will “go back to men.” This just freaks the straight woman out.
• The Relationship Ends Due to Straight-Woman Doubts and Fears: The straight woman wants the relationship to remain secret from her family, her friends, her work colleagues, her casual acquaintances. The straight woman is not equipped (at this point, at least) to be in a gay relationship. This usually leaves a lesbian baffled and hurt because the decision to end the relationship seems to come out of nowhere. The occasional booty-call from the straight woman will occur.

So, we have an able, intelligent lesbian, a straight woman, and an unmistakable carnal Vibe that exists between the two of them. A meal or two later, the straight woman mentions that (1) she would like the lesbian to come over for dinner/drinks/coffee or (2) that she needs assistance with some household task (e.g., a leaky faucet, painting, hanging drapes, redecorating, installing a new appliance, installing virus software on her computer, etc.).

It DOESN’T matter if you have no knowledge of any of these activities (it DOES help, though): SAY you do and then go on-line and research it. There’s PLENTY of such information on-line. Yes, you can do it. It’s NOT that complicated. In any event, you’re there to have sex with her, and you should be pretty certain at that point that she wants to have sex with you.

The best location in a house/apartment to make a physical move is in the KITCHEN, usually a small (relatively) area where people almost ALWAYS have a reason to congregate in. Follow her into the kitchen EVERY time she goes, even if she’s going to bring you a drink or a coffee.  Stand as close to her as possible (directly behind her), brush up against her, linger in the kitchen. Speak softly. Sigh occasionally but don’t overdo it.

You must be VERY gentle with her after she makes a physical move. Long hug, deliberate movements. Tell her that you’ll do whatever she wants. DON’T ask her if “she’s sure.”

Sexually, bring your best effort but NOT your full arsenal. Keep it in reserve. Slow and easy. If she wants to reciprocate, tell her YOU like it slow and easy — that will give you a chance to gently and quietly coach her without making her feel too self-conscious.

Good luck in your efforts!

So, we’ve established the existence of The Vibe and the presence of a Vibe-Worthy lesbian. Now what?

You must let her think she’s leading this dance: she must feel a sense of control. It’s a new experience for her. She’s excited, she’s “vibing,” but she’s also scared.

She must believe that you are a willing accomplice. The LAST thing a straight woman wants is to be rejected by a lesbian. This always leads to extreme bitterness and, sometimes, to a general hatred of all lesbians. You’ve probably run into these rejected women at gay bars, as they cling to gay guys and angrily glare at any lesbians.
If she insinuates a desire (or asks you outright) for lunch or dinner, suggest a new restaurant or a restaurant she’s never been to where you are a regular. Conversation with her — which you should attempt to memorize because this information and the fact that you’ve been listening will make you seem ultra-conscientious and differentiate you further from men — should have clued you in to which are her favorite and most frequently visited restaurants. DON’T CHOOSE THESE.

If you choose one of YOUR regular venues, get there early and inform the waiter/waitress what you are trying to do. Pre-tip him/her (minimum of $20, in addition to the tip at the end of the meal). Depending on the personality of the straight woman, have the wait-person give you the most secluded spot available and agree to treat you like you’re the kindest, most personable lez-pimp in the galaxy. Keep your nosy buddies away: they will hinder your efforts here. The focus MUST BE ON HER AT ALL TIMES. Laughing and talking with your buddies about how drunk you were “the other night” will be a turn-off.

Now, after one or two innocent meals apart from any friends, you MUST get her alone. The more alone, the better and easier it will be for you. An ideal case is helping her move. Just you and the straight woman alone in a place that she is familiar with. BINGO!

Similarly, helping her with some project, whether it’s fixing a plumbing problem or helping her hang wallpaper, gives you alone-time. That’s what you’re looking for: being alone IN A PLACE WHERE SHE’S COMFORTABLE. DON’T INVITE HER TO YOUR PLACE UNLESS SHE EXPLICITLY SAYS SHE WANTS TO GO. EVEN THEN, DON’T MAKE A FIRST PHYSICAL MOVE AT YOUR PLACE, UNLESS SHE TELLS YOU TO. YOU WILL BE MUCH MORE SUCCESSFUL, MUCH MORE QUICKLY IF YOU ARE ALONE AT HER PLACE.

Tomorrow, I’ll discuss the physical aspects of the seduction of a straight woman, i.e., how to initiate it while making her think she’s initiating it and what to do when it’s time to get down to business (pun intended).

Personal Note: I look forward to meeting some of my Austin readers tonight at Shady Grove!