The Dyke Whisperer

Dear Dyke Whisperer, My girlfriend is always late. For everything. She causes us to be late for movies, dinner parties, and sporting events. She is late to work every day. I’m starting to REALLY resent it. I’ve talked to her about it and she promises to change. She hasn’t. Do you have any advice?

On-Time in Toronto

Dear Toronto,

If you have discussed her chronic tardiness with her and she hasn’t changed, there’s not much you can do. This could be a sign of immaturity, her mild method of rebellion, or, simply, a woman who doesn’t care if she’s late.

For joint invitations, take separate cars or agree to travel separately. If the social awkwardness that this will create doesn’t cause her to change, she’s not going to.  If being on-time is important to you, then you’ll need a new girlfriend.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I know that a friend of mine is interested in me romantically although she has never said so directly. I don’t share these feelings. She is very sweet and very nice, and I would like to maintain her friendship. What should I do?

Dear Dana,

Sometimes the best way to inform a woman of your lack of romantic interest is to talk to her about a woman that you are romantically interested in. In a public place, tell your friend that you trust her completely and want some advice on how to pursue this other woman. Your friend will realize that you’re not interested and should quietly withdraw her pursuit.

Of course, she may cause a scene and accuse you of leading her on. Be prepared for this. Apologize if you need to. Remind her that you treasure her friendship and don’t want to lose it — even though you might. If she values you as a friend, these hurt feelings shouldn’t last though.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, This past Valentine’s Day, after a romantic evening, I told the woman who I have been dating for 5 months that I love her. She smiled and hugged me, but I didn’t receive an “I love you” back. I have felt stupid and embarrassed around her since then. What do I do?

Sad in St. Paul

Dear St. Paul,

You have expressed your feelings. There’s no reason to feel bad about that; however, realize that five months is still a relatively short time in which to date someone. Your girlfriend may not be ready to say “I love you,” and, honestly, she may not love you.

If she’s not avoiding you, you know she at least likes you. Maybe she’s the type that savors the romance, and she’s waiting for a special time or feeling to overtake her. I believe it’s better for you that she not return the “I love you” rather than say it out of a feeling of obligation and not mean it.

You have told her that you love her. Now demonstrate it every time she’s around you. Abandon your wounded pride and concentrate on the woman who has evoked such strong emotions in you.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, Three years ago, my best friend of 8 years and I had a falling out over a girl. We both liked the same girl and pursued her. She played us both. We haven’t spoken since then. I miss her tremendously. I don’t know if she still hates me. What should I do?

Dear Karrie,

You need to contact her. I suggest an e-mail message. E-mail allows a person to read and re-read a message. I believe it gives you the greatest chance at reconciliation. Use St. Patrick’s Day as an excuse if you need one:

Dear Best Buddy,

Then, leave your contact information. I hope your friend responds, but, of course, there’s always the chance she won’t. If she doesn’t, send her a short e-mail message on holidays and her birthday for a year. If she still doesn’t respond — and you have the correct and current contact information — then I think your relationship may be over.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, Quick! I need some advice. I finally have a date with a woman I’m crazy about! What should my general strategy be?

Dear Erica,

I believe that the strategic intent of the first date should be the first kiss (if you still want to kiss her at the date’s conclusion). To desire anything more is too aggressive; to desire anything less is not aggressive enough.

Plan so that you will walk with her at the end of your evening to either her front door, her car, etc. Try to decrease the space between you both as you chat. Keep the conversation light. Ask if she’d like to go out again [This requires forethought on your part: you should have already planned a second date.] Describe what you have in mind for your next meeting. I’ll assume she says “yes.”

Move in a little closer to her. Thank her profusely for the evening. Lightly grab her left hand with your right (opposite if you’re left-handed) and hold it for a few moments — this is a critical step. If she treats this gesture as a handshake, accept it, and let her hand go. If she maintains contact for a few moments, again mention that you’ve had a great evening with her.

Say “goodnight” and draw her in for a kiss on the cheek. Now, you have to let her take over. Zone in on her reaction, i.e., if she seeks a more intimate kiss, go with it. I suggest you stop at this point though. Say “goodnight” again and leave her in eager anticipation of the second date!

Dear Dyke Whisperer, My girlfriend and I have been dating for 3 months. Her best friend (since college) hates me and is trying to sabotage our relationship. The best friend has told me to my face that she doesn’t think I’m good enough to date her friend. I don’t want a nasty conflict. What should I do?

Jules in Philly

Tell your girlfriend that you want to clear the air with her best friend. As the three of you sit down together, assume an air of sweetness and compassion — and maintain this for the duration of the interaction. If the best friend goes nuts, she’ll look unstable and needy. If the best friend pretends she never criticized you, she’ll lose credibility if she ever criticizes you to the girlfriend in the future.

Basically, you’re disarming the “best friend” with kindness. Your girlfriend will admire your show of resolve, strength, and willingness to accommodate her friend.

I hope that my discussions on sex toys will help some of you make more appropriate purchasing decisions. These devices represent one route in a journey of sexual exploration of yourself and your partner. Whether you choose to employ them or not is irrelevant. What is important is that you realize there is no shame in sexual experimenting, as long as the parties involve consent (and are of age to consent).

Now, with the availability of the Internet, you have ready access to a world of sexual aids and advice. Make the most of this: 15 years ago, this Blog never would have — or could have — existed. So, here’s to sexual empowerment and whatever pleases you! Enjoy your weekend!

This Blog will return to its previous format on Monday, March 10.

When choosing a personal lubricant to facilitate sex play (with or without toys), pay particular attention to the ingredients. Taste and longevity are also important factors to consider when purchasing lube.

Silicone-based lubes are long-lasting and safe to use internally, but they can be harder to wash off. These are the most expensive lubes. Silicone lubes will damage silicone and cyberskin toys so cover dildos made from those materials with condoms if you want to use silicone lubes with them. Silicone-based lubes don’t wash off with water so they work well when engaging in underwater sex.

Water-based lubricants are the healthiest for your body. They work well with condoms and all latex products. They are easy to clean up.

Oil-based lubes will break down condoms and are generally not recommended for internal use because they are difficult for the body to eliminate. The use of oil-based lubes has been linked to an increase in vaginal yeast infections as well.

Some lubes, such as Emerita Natural Lube, are made from natural ingredients. O’My is a great tasting water-based lube that contains hemp oil.

There are fruit-flavored lubes made by Sliquid, which also makes a Sizzle Warming, a tingling/warming formula. Tasteless lubes are also available.

I suggest you purchase a sampler pack to experiment with, carefully considering the type of sex toys you have.

If you have particularly sensitive skin, you may have to experiment with different lubes to see which are less likely to cause irritation. Avoid lubes containing methyl, propyl paraben, or Nonoxymol-9.

Harnesses allow the user to have her hands delightfully free while engaging in intercourse with a partner. Most harnesses are leather because it is durable and will conform to your body over time. Nylon and vinyl harnesses are also available. These are easy to clean and are also “vegan,” if that is a concern.

There are two basic types of harnesses: g-string (or one-strap) and two-strap. G-string harnesses fit like a thong. Two-strap harnesses fit around your legs and tend to be more secure.

Harnesses are either secured to your body with buckles, d-rings, or elasticity (like the “Undercover Harness”). Buckles don’t slip but take more time to manipulate; D-rings are less secure but can be adjusted quickly. The elastic models are the quickest and simplest to get on. There are even models (e.g., “Commando”) that can alternate between one-strap and two-strap.

Some harnesses have a pouch that allows the wearer to insert a clitoral stimulator.

Others, like the “Annie O” are designed to accommodate two dildos so that each partner can be penetrated simultaneously.

Harnesses are available in larger sizes and, for those who might have limited mobility, there are some (like the “Thigh Harness”) which can wrap around your leg. These can also be fun for creative individuals as well.

Harnesses are expensive. If possible and practical, go to a sex shop and try different models to see which one (or which) style you like the best. If the sex shop doesn’t have the color or style you like, go on-line and, now that you know the style you want, choose the look that makes you feel sexy!

Dildos are used for penetration. They are available in a wide range of sizes, shapes, colors, and materials. They feel best when used with lube. You can wear one in a harness for hands-free penetration of a partner (I will discuss harnesses tomorrow).

Silicone Dildos are a great choice because they are easy to clean (and sterilize), warm quickly, and are available in a variety of styles, shapes, and colors. Because silicone can withstand high temperatures, you can boil silicone toys (as long as there is no vibrator unit inside) for 5-10 minutes or put them in your dishwasher to disinfect them. They also clean well with soap and water. Additionally, they are pliable. If you disinfect silicone toys between uses, you can share them with a partner; otherwise, use condoms. Non-lubricated condoms are best for silicone dildos. Never use a silicone lube directly on these dildos. The primary disadvantage of silicone dildos is their price.

Sometimes, manufacturers mix silicone with other materials, particularly rubber. Treat these as you would a rubber dildo (see below).

VixSkin Silicone represents a major innovation in dildos. They have all the advantages of silicone WITH the added softness of cyberskin (see below). These premium items often come with a lifetime warranty.

Rubber Dildos are less expensive, less durable, and more difficult to maintain than silicone dildos. Those who are sensitive or allergic to Latex need to avoid rubber dildos. Because rubber is a porous material, it’s best to use these with a condom. They cannot be disinfected so clean them with soap and water. Store your rubber dildo in a cool, dry place. Also, never use a silicone lube with rubber dildos: it will melt the rubber.

Firm Dildos are made out of acrylic, lucite, glass, or metal for those who desire extra firmness. Their primary advantages are that (1) they are super-easy to clean and sterilize and (2) they are extremely durable. If only one person will be using a dildo made out of glass, metal, or acrylic, a condom is not necessary. Glass and metal dildos can be sterilized by boiling. Glass dildos retain heat very well and only require a minimal amount of lube.

Squishy Dildos are designed for women who have a sensitive cervix. These dildos are soft and squishy.

Soft Vinyl Dildos are porous like rubber dildos but firmer. They are more durable than their rubber cousins but not as durable as silicone. Use soap and water to clean them; never boil. It’s a good idea to use a condom with these because they are porous.

Cyberskin Dildos are porous and somewhat high maintenance. They have a definite flesh-like texture. They cannot be sterilized so you need to use a condom with them. Powder them with corn starch after each use to prevent them from becoming sticky. DO NOT USE SILICONE LUBE DIRECTLY ON THESE DILDOS as they will begin to disintegrate.

G-Spot Dildos have a distinctive curve for G-spot stimulation. Firm and more flexible models — made of a variety of materials — are available, depending on your preference.

Hand-held Dildos have handles at the base to facilitate handling when alone or with a partner.

Vibrating Dildos are perfect for those who enjoy clitoral stimulation while using a dildo on themselves or a partner.

Double Dildos are designed so that two women can be penetrated simultaneously.

NB: Avoid sex-toys that contain Phthalates, chemicals that soften Polyvinyl Chlorides (PVCs).  Phthalates are cheap and easy to use. Because of this, they are found in many of sex toys. The use of phthalates in dildos is almost impossible to regulate because any device labeled a “novelty toy” is not subject to federal regulations. Toys with phthalates are also porous, which means they can break down over time, releasing the chemicals in them and trapping dirt and bacteria on the surface of the toy. For your own safety and the safety of your partner, I strongly recommend that you avoid Phthalates and choose only Phthalate-free sex toys UNLESS YOU PLAN ON ALWAYS USING THESE TOYS WITH CONDOMS.