The Dyke Whisperer

It is common in the lesbian community for older women to date and/or partner with younger women. From the younger woman’s perceptive, it is flattering to be pursued by, or to successfully pursue, a more experienced, sometimes more sophisticated, woman. The younger woman, in this pairing, receives a lover, a mentor, and a role model — all in one package.

The younger woman often acquiesces to her older partner’s decisions and opinions, resulting in a more relaxed and passive existence. The younger lesbian benefits from the professional, familial, financial, and social capital of her older girlfriend/partner.

Problems may emerge, though, as the younger partner begins to mature and to become less dependent on the older one. As the younger woman establishes this independence, resentment sometimes builds in the older one, who has become accustomed to being the more dominant member in the relationship. Many relationships are doomed because of this inevitable struggle: the younger woman needs to push the boundaries and change the nature of the relationship to stay happy, empowered, and vibrant; the older woman seeks to maintain them to feel secure, needed, and valued.

As the younger woman, be sensitive to this. Assure your older girlfriend/partner that you still love, need, and respect her. Tell her that the reason you are SO confident is BECAUSE of her and her support. Don’t become her rival and don’t try to blatantly assert your independence in front of friends and associates.

Greetings!

Next week, I will address relationship issues that many of you have asked about. Romantic situations often occur between women who, on the surface, are very different from one another. E-mail questions concerning the effects on relationships of differences in age, ethnicity, religion, sexual appetite, political affiliation, social profile, profession, economic background, etc. are among the most frequent I receive.

We live in trying times; even under optimal circumstances, relationships are difficult to maintain. In any and every segment of the population, threats to stable relationships — from finding willing partners on the Internet to the decreasing social stigma attached to lesbianism in certain cities to the glorification of instant sexual gratification — all make it easier to opt for change. I hope to address this as well.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend, wherever you are. As always, thank you for your support, interest, and e-mail messages!

     — The Dyke Whisperer

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I don’t have a problem with the word “dyke.” I refer to myself and my friends as “dykes” all the time. Some lesbians I know find the word offensive. You obviously don’t. Are you afraid that you might offend lesbians by referring to yourself as “The Dyke Whisperer”?

Dear Tess,

I don’t mean to offend anybody: I believe that by reclaiming a word considered a slur a generation ago we assert our power and self-determination.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I started a company a year ago that caters to the gay market. I partnered with a woman who has complementary business skills. I believe we have been successful and are just now reaping the benefits of our hard work. The problem is with my partner’s wife. She has never trusted me, doesn’t like me, and is a general pain in the butt. They’ve had marital problems in the past.

My business partner, because of the wife’s pressure, wants to change the structure of our business relationship. I’m reluctant to do this because I don’t want to be formally “tied” to her wife. Any suggestions?

Tense in Texas

Dear Tense,

This does not sound like a stable situation. You have no control of whether your partner’s wife likes you or the nature of their relationship. It’s a shame, really, since your business seems to be doing well.

To offer you a complete answer, I would need to know more details about your business relationship. Just based on what you’ve communicated, though, I don’t think a binding business agreement is wise. If/when your partner splits with her wife, you don’t want any of your assets or decision-making capabilities compromised AT ALL. Unfortunately, situations such as you describe rarely improve and tend to deteriorate over time.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, My girlfriend is EXTREMELY jealous. At first, I thought it was cute. Now, it seems to have gotten worse. Last night, she wanted to beat up a waitress because she “looked at me.” Any advice?

Worried in Chelsea

Dear Worried,

Being with a jealous woman seems flattering at first. Then, it’s like living in a prison, as you are now finding out. Jealousy and possessiveness are not traits indicative of a healthy psyche. They are also intuitively linked to domestic violence.

I suggest you find a girlfriend who is more sane. First, though, you must end the relationship with this jealous woman. This can be a hazardous process, and she might turn stalky or worse. Whatever you tell her, she will probably assume you’re seeing someone else.

The most effective — and safest — strategy to use when ending a relationship with a woman who is extremely jealous is to either become obsessed with a hobby or pretend you’ve become obsessed with a hobby that she has no interest in. Tell her that this hobby is all you care about now. Talk about this hobby all the time, rent DVDs involving the hobby, etc. She won’t be able to “compete” — and jealousy is all about insecurity and competitiveness — and she should leave you alone, after telling all your mutual friends that you’ve gone crazy.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, My wife was laid off from her job six months ago. I have been supportive, but I’m starting to lose patience. All she does is watch TV and drink beer until she passes out. When I try to mention looking for a new job, she gets very upset and angry. What do I do?

Dear Tired,

Six months is a long time to watch TV and drink beer. Your wife is understandably distraught, but it’s time for her to either seek professional counseling or get a new job. She may be suffering from depression. If that is the case you need to get her to a professional who might be able to help her with medication and/or behavior therapy.

She might have lost a measure of her self-identity and a great deal of her self-esteem. You, however, did not enter into a marriage with someone who simply watches TV and drinks beer. Her reaction to being laid off — if she is not clinically depressed — is inappropriate, immature, and pathetic. Unfortunately, it might take you giving her an ultimatum before she abandons this destructive pattern that she has adopted.

Tell her that you will support her 100% in her job search but that the self-pitying act must stop. She will likely not react well. At that point, you need to be prepared to tell her that you’re moving out or that she needs to move out (whatever your particular situation demands) unless she seeks counseling or gets her act together. Tell her that you love her too much to watch your wallow in this pathetic state.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I think my partner has been into work e-mail account. I’m pretty sure of it. I don’t know what she could be looking for. Should I confront her or just let it go?

Dear Laney,

Clear any password history cache that you might have on your computer. Then change your password. Make sure you close your Internet browser after checking your work e-mail. Sometimes, curiosity gets the better of us. I’d let it go.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I live in a small town with limited social possibilities. I have decided to try to find a woman on-line. Can you offer me some tips for meeting women on-line?

Dear Alabama,

I think we all know someone who has found “true love” (if only for a short time) on-line. My advice to you is to be vigilant. You must be a skeptic because you’re physical safety could be in jeopardy. You MUST be a skeptic.

1. Don’t send your picture to anyone. Pervs collect pictures. Blot out your face if you feel you MUST post a picture on-line.
2. Don’t assume that women-for-women Craigslist ads are written by women.
3. Push for voice confirmation EARLY. Purchase a pay-as-you-go phone. Use that number to call and receive calls from women. Tell them that you must confirm their gender using the phone. You’ll screen out most men this way.
4. Meet for lunch at a public place.
5. Spending hours talking to her on the phone is not getting to know her. It’s talking to someone on the phone. Lying is easier when you’re not looking directly at someone.
6. Proofread your ad if you plan on placing one. Really.
7. Ignore married women, women with boyfriends, and women with girlfriends.
8. People who complain a lot when you first meet will only complain more as the relationship progresses.
9. Remember: prisons offer Internet access.
10. Do a search on “her” e-mail address; do a name-search when you get “her” name.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, My girlfriend has the worst diet in the world. She lives on fast food, chips, and ice cream. She won’t alter her eating habits no matter what I say. Should I continue my crusade or just shut up?

Dear Tacoma,

I assume that you both are still relatively young. Over time, your girlfriend’s diet will catch up with her. I would drop the subject. She obviously doesn’t care what you have to say on the topic. If it continues to bother you, drop her as well.

Adults get to make their own choices. Although I’m sure you have the best of intentions, it really is not your place to tell her how or what to eat. That’s her gall bladder’s job.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I think I’m too practical for love. I don’t see the point in romance. I seek sex and companionship, in that order, but I don’t understand why we women place such high value on the concept of “love.” Is there something wrong with me?

Dear Claire,

I think that you may have been hurt deeply in the past and now seek out relationships devoid of emotion. Maybe you weren’t hurt. Maybe you’re just an analytical type that truly sees no value in romance. The advantage to this is that you’ll never have your world shattered by a broken heart; the disadvantage is that you’ll never experience the world as one who simultaneously loves and is loved.

You are who you are. If you don’t feel the need or ability to change, then so be it. Be warned, though, I do believe there is at least one woman who you will encounter that could change your perspective in a heartbeat. When you meet her, you’ll know — and you won’t believe that you sent me this e-mail message.