The Dyke Whisperer

The central theme of The L Word is connectivity, exemplified by Alice’s (as portrayed by Leisha Hailey) Chart. Gays and lesbians, collectively, make up between six and ten percent of the population, depending on whose figures one uses. Whatever the number, lesbians comprise less than half of the number of gays. We are the minority of a minority. As such, whether we live in major cities or small towns, there is a likelihood — almost a certainty — that we are somehow connected through romantic, personal, or professional relationships to one another.

This connectivity never ceases to amaze me personally, and I’m sure you’ve had similar experiences. You converse with a  stranger and discover that you’re really not strangers at all. You discover her first girlfriend’s roommate was your last girlfriend’s drinking buddy. And, one of your girlfriend’s stole one of her ex-girlfriend’s girlfriend from your best friend in grad school. You get the picture.

An amusing moment in last season’s The L Word occurred when we learn that Papi’s (Janina Gavankar) was Carmen’s (the stunning Sarah Shahi) prom date, as related in Season 3. That may seem far-fetched to anyone, except a lesbian.

This inter-connectivity results in powerful feelings, both positive and negative, as we inherit friendships and grudges from one another.

I hope you have enjoyed my little essays regarding The L Word. I enjoy reading your e-mails and look forward to receiving them everyday. Currently, I have heard from readers in 16 countries and 31 states! Thank you for your attention. Best wishes to all from The Dyke Whisperer!

If you want to start an argument or a fight, simply ask a woman who her favorite musical artist/band is, reflect a moment, and then proclaim assertively: “he/she/they SUCK.”  Most all of us believe we have exceptionally good taste in music, and we do — we know precisely what we like to listen to and what time and with whom.

However, we’re never going to achieve consensus in determining which artists are good, worthy, original, sublime, inspirational. Artists/performers will ALWAYS have their detractors, and we will always take slights to them personally.

With this stated, I will continue.

One of the best qualities of The L Word has been its inclusion of, and devotion to, women and lesbian musicians. No, I don’t like every song played on The L Word; no, I don’t suspect you or anyone does. No, I don’t agree with certain choices for certain scenes. Nevertheless, the show has provided exposure to numerous lesbian performers who deserved national attention.

Amy Cook, The Ditty Bops, Maria Muldaur, Joan Armatrading. Heart, Cory Lee, Tori Amos, The Pipettes. Lita Ford, Toshi Reagon, Peaches, The Staple Sisters, The Pointer Sisters, Fantcha, Goldfrapp. Naturally and remarkably, the list continues. Some were famous long before The L Word; others were virtually unknown to a national (much less, international) audience before their songs appeared on this program.

We all have our favorite artists; we all have those that we find revolting. However, The L Word undeniably has provided a stage to many deserving artists who before were only recognized regionally or who had slipped into obscurity. For this reason alone, we should congratulate the show’s creators, producers, and Showtime.

For the record, the theme song irritates the shit out of me.

Since the series’ inception, a tremendous appeal of The L Word revolves around the friendships that the characters portray on the small screen. In the first season, Shane (Kate Moennig), Alice (Leisha Hailey), and Dana (Erin Daniels) exhibited a kinship and intimacy that we treasure within our own lesbian groups. We see the female Casanova, the perky, quick-witted journalist, and the closeted sports star share their thoughts, feelings, dramas, and dreams with one another (okay, Shane doesn’t share much). They meddle, they bicker, the comfort one another. Despite their core personality differences, their mutual love and affection is obvious — possibly because the actors were bonding in real life as well (but that’s besides the point).

We can relate to this closeness, this solidarity. And, I dare say, that many of us have fallen in the love with a friend (cf. Alice and Dana). Our bonds with one another can form quickly and manifest strongly. Weeks, months, years later, we’re in love with our best friend — forever altering group dynamics. Sometimes, this relationship explodes, causing the group to splinter and resulting in a uniquely lesbian tragedy — the simultaneous loss of one’s best friend and lover. And, yes, there is often recovery as relationships re-form with different but somehow stronger attachments.

What hooked me on The L Word (besides the initial fascination with a show devoted to lesbians) was the playfulness and camaraderie exhibited by Shane, Alice, and Dana. I believe that the program’s brain-trust has attempted unsuccessfully to re-cast and replace the chemistry that this initial core group of friends exhibited. This is (one reason) why some of us hold the first season in such high regard, and why some of us turned away from the show — or, at least, lost some affection — after the death of Dana (and departure of Ms. Daniels).

I do remain a loyal viewer and have eagerly anticipated winter Sunday evenings ever since the series began airing. For all its faults and attempts to appeal to a wider audience, The L Word remains ours, and the characters and friendships displayed have provided us with entertainment, frustration, and, every so often, cause for reflection into our own lives.

Despite preferences for characters or actors, the central figures of The L Word are Bette and Tina — and their relationship.  We first view this couple in the pilot episode as a dysfunctional pair, trying simultaneously to conceive a child and reconcile their increasingly incongruent personalities. As the series progresses, we see their relationship decline, despite temporary periods of happiness and reconciliation. The relationship ends, the women attempt to live separate lives despite the shared custody of a child, and, last season, they re-establish a friendly bond. This season (so far) we find them embroiled in a passionate affair. Most importantly, we see them fully engaged as a couple who demonstrate a love that exceeds their former one because both have developed into more complete and compatible individuals.

So, what’s the moral of this fictional story? Can we earn anything from the predictable soap-opera romantic peaks-and-valleys of a made-for-TV lesbian relationship?

Yes, we can.

For all its flaws and television hyperbole, The L Word does manage to capture the essence of any successful relationship — that change is not only inevitable but necessary. Women derive their strength from their ability to adapt and alter themselves and their environment. Wise women realize that they do and must change as their relationships (romantic and otherwise) evolve. Our strength is not based in the rigid structure of steel, but, rather, in the finesse and infinitely changeable patterns of a spider’s web. Flexibility, adaptation, evolution reignited the sparks with Bette and Tina — and burn within all of us at all times. We shouldn’t fight against this.

Just a note of  no consequence: there are plenty of other blogs and fan websites dedicated to the adoration and/or disembowelment of the actors on The L Word so I won’t spend much time in these practices. I do, though, think that Jennifer Beals is hot as hell and that the chemistry she shares on-screen with Laurel Holloman is great. That being said, my personal happiness or inclination to watch The L Word does not depend on whether Bette and Tina are a couple or not.

The L Word, a Showtime television series that currently airs on Sunday nights, depicts the lives and loves of a group of lesbians living in Los Angeles. Ilene Chaiken created and is the Executive Producer of this program. This is the first of a five-part series that reveal my views on The L Word. My opinions are just that: they are entirely lacking in substance and credibility. I’m just a lesbian who watches the show.There is no “Lesbian View” of The L Word. Some lesbians use the show as a social focal point, as entertainment to be viewed collectively in public. There is often a sporting-event atmosphere, as women loudly express their approval or disdain in bars, clubs, and private residences. Sunday evenings are dedicated to the program and lively debate and speculation occurs.

Others view The L Word as a reflection of their own existence. In this case, viewers have become EXTREMELY attached to certain characters because they identify with them personally. These are the women who feel compelled to stop watching the show because a character dies or simply disappears. These women infiltrate message boards and have the urgency and tireless need to advocate and defend fictional characters, which is somewhat disturbing.

Still others view The L Word as a documentary gone awry. They watched the first season, which for them, in retrospect, was “perfect.” Then, as the show clearly became the drama that it was always intended to be and suffered from some bouts of less than stellar writing, these women became angry and began to compulsively find fault with inconsistencies in character and plot development. They forgot that this is a fictional television show and its writers have no obligation to represent them individually. Some members of this group also claim to have stopped watching the show but still watch it religiously — and complain vociferously.

A few others view The L Word as a target of intellectual analysis, discussing the show as one would feminist theory. Others, who know the show’s producers/writers (or think they do), enjoy tying fictional characters and plot developments to the lives of these individuals. This year’s “movie-within-a-movie” storyline has sent these ladies into an absolute frenzy.

Others sit in the “closets” of small towns and rural areas and dream of the glamorous life depicted in the screen on Sunday evening. To them, The L Word serves as a how-to manual for lesbian life, love, and relationships.

Others watch it purely for the entertainment value, following the show’s highs and lows, successes and failures.

The L Word has given us exposure, given us a conversation-starter at a cocktail party, glimpses into the sometimes inconsistent and always melodramatic lives of fashionable lesbians that live in a world where true love blossoms and dies over the course of a few weeks. I, for one, hope it comes back next season and keeps us hopeful, frustrated, engaged, entertained, infuriated, and united — in that we all can relate to the emotions and situations that provide the foundation for the exaggerated antics of a few memorable characters.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I enjoy your insights and lesbian advice, although I’m not a lesbian. My sister is, though, and she is involved with a woman who is best described as demented.

My sister is a bright, pretty, and energetic college student. Her girlfriend is mean, cold, and emotionally abusive. We’ve all tried, but no one has been able to convince my sister that this woman is anything but perfect. I know I haven’t given many details, but could you help me understand why my sister is so devoted to an emotional monster?

Troubled in Portland

Dear Troubled,

I wish I could tell you something to alleviate your obvious concern. The situation you have described is unfortunately common in both the lesbian and general population. A woman is lucky if she hasn’t fallen into the “Potential Trap”: we recognize the potential in another, think our love is powerful enough to “fix” this person, and rely on scattered (but intensely satisfying) moments of success to justify our commitment to an emotionally damaged, sometimes dangerous, individual.

By the way, I was involved in such a scenario when I was 20 and, again, a few years later (but recognized the similarities immediately and ended the relationship quickly).  In both cases, someone used the threat of suicide to manipulate me. You think you can help and want to so badly; in reality, you’re being used. The realization, if and when it comes, leaves you feeling stupid. With some people, having to admit they made a bad relationship investment is worse than tolerating the abuse. It can be tragic when “saving face,” one of the worst manifestations of pride, becomes a motivating force.

Perhaps your sister needs to be a caregiver. This might make her feel needed and fulfilled. Maybe she enjoys other aspects of her girlfriend’s personality. I have known several of these tortured souls who are/were witty and fascinating, passionate and exciting — and crazy as hell.

Another consideration, which you may find distasteful to hear, is that the sex with these emotionally damaged individuals can be beyond fantastic, as their deranged emotions intensely fuel their physical desires and capabilities.

If your sister is a student, I’ll assume she’s young and still has a lot of exploring to do. Monitor the situation, especially the abusive aspects. If the abuse ever gets physical, you’ll need to intervene immediately by alerting law enforcement. Document any evidence.  Don’t be surprised if they end up together afterwards, with your sister visiting her in jail.

These two may depend on each other in ways you don’t and can’t understand. Further, emotionally damaged individuals tend to re-visit past relationships — don’t get too happy about a break-up because one, two, or twelve break-ups usually mean nothing to such couples.

If you’re lucky, the emotionally challenged girlfriend will find someone who is either more complicit or has more money. At that point, the relationship will end.

Anyway, thanks for reading. I hope this helps.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, My two friends, Jill and Kathy, have become fascinated with an EXTREMELY popular Chieftain who holds court at a local bar that we have started going to. The Chieftain has been showering my friends with attention. This Chieftain and I do NOT get along. When we were both playing city-league softball three years ago, we got into several shouting matches, and she threatened to kick my ass on more than one occasion.

I’m convinced that the Chieftain is only interested in my friends because they’re MY friends. The whole situation is becoming more tense. I don’t want my friends hurt. What should I do? I am in need of some post-modern lesbian advice.

Tense in Texas

Dear Tense,

There is no benefit to you in associating with this group and going to this bar. Your friends seem to be taken with the Chieftain. It happens. Social position and influence sometime supersede intelligence, emotional stability, and kindness in the lesbian world — just as it does in the hetero world. Don’t fall into the common lesbian trap of trying “to save” your friends. If they are allowed in bars, they are adults. Let them choose their own friends and lovers. 

Your best bet is to distance yourself from these ladies. This will make them less desirable to the Chieftain, save you the indignity of participating in such an aggravating dynamic, and free up time so that you might pursue women to seduce / date.

You know that this influential Chieftain will do everything in her power to prevent you from having a friend or dating anyone in her group. I know you know this.

I don’t recommend the “big scene” (usually drunken) that so many lesbians indulge in when confronted with a bully Chieftain who does not like them. Just be civil and look for another group or a a sub-group that you enjoy. You can always be civil.

Spring is rapidly approaching, and there’s no time for lesbian drama unless it occurs after a session of hot sex.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, Ever since The L Word depicted a threesome, my girlfriend of four years has been saying she wants to try it. She’s even picked out two possible “candidates.” At first, I was shocked and hurt, but there is a part of me that wonders what it would be like. Have you any words of wisdom for me?

Dear Patti,

There are three simple guidelines to follow, the Threesome Three:

1. Unless group sex was intended and agreed upon at the beginning of a relationship, threesomes tend to be the source of heartache and shattered self-esteem, as the non-couple party receives too much attention and, instantaneously, a new twosome forms.
2. If you want to try it, be the third party — NOT one of the two in a couple (if a couple is involved). Engaging in group sex as a member of a couple will temporarily spark your love life, right before causing a whirlwind of drama and the end of your relationship. Get in (pun intended); get out; boast to friends; move on.
3. Start looking for a new girlfriend.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, what do you think of The L Word? Has it helped us? Hurt us? I’m interested in hearing your thoughts on this television program.

Dear Sherri,

I’ve had several requests to reveal my general opinion of The L Word, and I frequently receive inquiries concerning specific characters, pairings, and situations. Starting Monday, February 11, I will begin a five-part series discussing various aspects of The L Word. I fully suspect that I will piss off at least one third of my readers.

It has come to my attention that you all might like to start your own discussions so I’m considering attaching a message board to this website. I’d love to hear your opinions on this matter: any suggestions you might have are always welcome.

Also, I’m receiving more visitors from countries outside the US. This is amazing!

I am grateful to all those who take the time to read this humble forum and to e-mail their questions, comments, and reflections.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I’m single and I’m okay with it. However, none of my coupled friends will invite me to any of their events without trying to set me up with someone. Really, I’m happy being by myself. How can I communicate this to them without being rude?

Dear Houston,

Identify the more sane and stable group members and tell them that you are not interested in dating someone right now. Tell them several times. Tell them that it bothers you when they try to set you up with somebody. Be serious when you tell them this — no smiling; no joking.  Don’t waste your breath on explanations to the unstable, malicious, or persistent women: they won’t believe you.

The dark interpretation of the situation: Certain couples or groups of couples — particularly those comprised of insecure individuals — are threatened by single women. To some, you are a direct and immediate threat. There is a drive to pair you up quickly to decrease this threat. They visualize you stealing their partners. You are viewed with suspicion while single.

Here is an alternative explanation: These could be deliriously happy couples who believe you’re missing out on bliss and fulfillment. They sincerely want to see you as satisfied as they are. They believe they are doing you a great favor.

Of course, depending on the group(s) you associate with, both dynamics could be at work at the same event — with some coupled individuals viewing you as a threat and some trying to “complete” you.

Either situation grows stale quickly. It might be time for you to seek out other groups, maybe socialize with some progressive straight people for a while. I’m not saying that you should abandon your circle of friends, but you might want to dilute any pressure you’re feeling by expanding your social horizon.