The Dyke Whisperer

Dear Dyke Whisperer, Can you give me some pointers on how to break up with a woman? We’ve grown apart and are just not happy together. She won’t do it so I have to. We’re in our mid-30′s and have been dating for 10 months.

Vicki in St. Louis

Dear Vicki,

I offer you the following Rules for Breaking-Up:

1. Do it in person.
2. Do it in private.
3. Do it early in the work-week so she’ll have friends and co-workers available for discussion and cocktails
4. Make sure she’s the first person to learn of your intentions. DON’T tell someone else first.
5. If the break-up is non-negotiable, tell her that and leave soon afterwards.
6. Don’t insinuate that there may be a chance for a reconciliation in the future if there is little likelihood of such chance.
7. Don’t make future plans to discuss “this” further. THIS is the break-up.
8. Take at least part of the blame explicitly — in front of her and in front of her/your friends.
9. Don’t make up shit to look like the victim.
10. Always be polite and decent to her. If she’s looking for a confrontation — private or public — simply walk away.
11. If you’ve been dating more than 6 months, wait at least a month before announcing that you have a new girlfriend.
12. Wait a reasonable amount of time, before taking your new girlfriend to one of your ex’s favorite places.
13. Unless the break-up takes a particularly ugly turn, send her an e-mail on her next birthday.
14. Let her keep all the items that you purchased for her and objects such as CDs, books, and small mementos gathered when you all were dating.
15. You keep all the items she purchased for you, unless she wants them back. Then, give them back.
16. You’re the one who initiated the break-up. She can now date ANYONE she wants to, and you have absolutely no say in the matter.
17. Be polite and decent to her friends. Avoid public confrontations, even if it means avoiding your favorite hang-outs for an extended period.
18. DON’T date any of her friends, co-workers, family members, or roommates – for at least one year after the break-up.
19. Always speak highly of her.
20. If you know she’s going to be at a party soon after the break-up, either (a) don’t go or (b) stay sober.

I hope this helps. Good luck to you!

This entry was posted on Thursday, February 28th, 2008 at 5:13 pm and is filed under Advice, Solicited and Otherwise. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.