Second Chance?
Dear Dyke Whisperer, I have a problem. A year ago, I fell for this girl (J) and we began dating. Because I’m an asshole, I cheated on her. She dumped me, rightfully so. I never quit loving her, but she wouldn’t have anything to do with me. I started dating another girl (B) (the one who I had cheated with) and moved in with her. We broke up. A month and a half ago, I ran into the first girl (J), and we began talking. We have been on a few dates (I think).
That’s the problem. Sometimes, she acts like we are on a date and something romantic could happen. Other times, she treats me like a friend and talks about other girls to me (this hurts). Other times, she actually goes on dates with other girls. I really like her and want her in my life.
I fucked up. I know this. I don’t understand her behavior though. Is she punishing me? Do you think I have a chance to get back together with her?
Confused in Jersey
Dear Jersey,
She is punishing you. Now, the issue is whether this punishment is temporary or not. Maybe she wants to see if you really are serious about her this time. She wants to make you jump through some hoops to “prove” your interest and potential commitment.
On the other hand, she may just want to make you look like a fool. You betrayed her and THEN moved in with the other girl. That is some serious pain and humiliation you dealt. There’s a chance that she has NO intention of reconciling with you and seeks only to build up your hope so that she can destroy it one day, probably in public.
In any event, as it stands, this is a dysfunctional relationship. MAYBE, you’ll be able to salvage a friendly coexistence, where you can go to the occasional lunch together. I wouldn’t get your hopes up. She probably won’t ever trust you completely and will perceive betrayal emerging even when it’s not there.
Just admitting that you are an “asshole” after the fact is not good enough, by the way. She knows that. Try to convince her that you are no longer an asshole. This could take years, and IT WON’T BE EASY. You’ll always be one slip-up from being kicked out of her life for good.
Use these experiences as life lessons: don’t cheat, don’t move in with casual partners, try to communicate your contrition to her, and, if you want her in your life on friendly terms, work to establish a relationship that’s built on respect and trust.
