Lesbian Advice By Proxy
Dear Dyke Whisperer, I enjoy your insights and lesbian advice, although I’m not a lesbian. My sister is, though, and she is involved with a woman who is best described as demented.
My sister is a bright, pretty, and energetic college student. Her girlfriend is mean, cold, and emotionally abusive. We’ve all tried, but no one has been able to convince my sister that this woman is anything but perfect. I know I haven’t given many details, but could you help me understand why my sister is so devoted to an emotional monster?
Troubled in Portland
Dear Troubled,
I wish I could tell you something to alleviate your obvious concern. The situation you have described is unfortunately common in both the lesbian and general population. A woman is lucky if she hasn’t fallen into the “Potential Trap”: we recognize the potential in another, think our love is powerful enough to “fix” this person, and rely on scattered (but intensely satisfying) moments of success to justify our commitment to an emotionally damaged, sometimes dangerous, individual.
By the way, I was involved in such a scenario when I was 20 and, again, a few years later (but recognized the similarities immediately and ended the relationship quickly). In both cases, someone used the threat of suicide to manipulate me. You think you can help and want to so badly; in reality, you’re being used. The realization, if and when it comes, leaves you feeling stupid. With some people, having to admit they made a bad relationship investment is worse than tolerating the abuse. It can be tragic when “saving face,” one of the worst manifestations of pride, becomes a motivating force.
Perhaps your sister needs to be a caregiver. This might make her feel needed and fulfilled. Maybe she enjoys other aspects of her girlfriend’s personality. I have known several of these tortured souls who are/were witty and fascinating, passionate and exciting — and crazy as hell.
Another consideration, which you may find distasteful to hear, is that the sex with these emotionally damaged individuals can be beyond fantastic, as their deranged emotions intensely fuel their physical desires and capabilities.
If your sister is a student, I’ll assume she’s young and still has a lot of exploring to do. Monitor the situation, especially the abusive aspects. If the abuse ever gets physical, you’ll need to intervene immediately by alerting law enforcement. Document any evidence. Don’t be surprised if they end up together afterwards, with your sister visiting her in jail.
These two may depend on each other in ways you don’t and can’t understand. Further, emotionally damaged individuals tend to re-visit past relationships — don’t get too happy about a break-up because one, two, or twelve break-ups usually mean nothing to such couples.
If you’re lucky, the emotionally challenged girlfriend will find someone who is either more complicit or has more money. At that point, the relationship will end.
Anyway, thanks for reading. I hope this helps.
