The Dyke Whisperer

Gentle readers,

I have received many e-mails requesting advice about, for lack of a better term, sex toys. I have found that, to some lesbians, sex toys are anathema, i.e., they are offensive and to be avoided. They indicate the need for a man. Some lesbians even harbor disdain for others who use or desire to use them.

On the other hand (pun intended), some lesbians regard sex toys as an integral part of the lesbian sexual experience. Still others, use them only occasionally.

On Monday, March 3, I will begin a five-part series on the use of sex toys. Based on some of the e-mail messages I have received, there are some basic misconceptions I can clear up and useful information I can provide to some of you.

The series is meant to educate and entertain, as opposed to titillate. Even so, if you are offended by such topics, I suggest that you avoid this blog from March 3 through March 7.

Thank you for your e-mails, your encouragement, and your support.

Humbly yours,
The Dyke Whisperer

Dear Dyke Whisperer, Can you give me some pointers on how to break up with a woman? We’ve grown apart and are just not happy together. She won’t do it so I have to. We’re in our mid-30’s and have been dating for 10 months.

Vicki in St. Louis

Dear Vicki,

I offer you the following Rules for Breaking-Up:

1. Do it in person.
2. Do it in private.
3. Do it early in the work-week so she’ll have friends and co-workers available for discussion and cocktails
4. Make sure she’s the first person to learn of your intentions. DON’T tell someone else first.
5. If the break-up is non-negotiable, tell her that and leave soon afterwards.
6. Don’t insinuate that there may be a chance for a reconciliation in the future if there is little likelihood of such chance.
7. Don’t make future plans to discuss “this” further. THIS is the break-up.
8. Take at least part of the blame explicitly — in front of her and in front of her/your friends.
9. Don’t make up shit to look like the victim.
10. Always be polite and decent to her. If she’s looking for a confrontation — private or public — simply walk away.
11. If you’ve been dating more than 6 months, wait at least a month before announcing that you have a new girlfriend.
12. Wait a reasonable amount of time, before taking your new girlfriend to one of your ex’s favorite places.
13. Unless the break-up takes a particularly ugly turn, send her an e-mail on her next birthday.
14. Let her keep all the items that you purchased for her and objects such as CDs, books, and small mementos gathered when you all were dating.
15. You keep all the items she purchased for you, unless she wants them back. Then, give them back.
16. You’re the one who initiated the break-up. She can now date ANYONE she wants to, and you have absolutely no say in the matter.
17. Be polite and decent to her friends. Avoid public confrontations, even if it means avoiding your favorite hang-outs for an extended period.
18. DON’T date any of her friends, co-workers, family members, or roommates – for at least one year after the break-up.
19. Always speak highly of her.
20. If you know she’s going to be at a party soon after the break-up, either (a) don’t go or (b) stay sober.

I hope this helps. Good luck to you!

Dear Dyke Whisperer, Could you explain lesbian relationships to me? Why do so many end after just a few years? I’m a 23-year-old college student, and I’m already sick of relationships.

Dear Twice-Bitten,

One reason lesbian relationships end after a few years is because the couple in the relationship should have never been together in the first place. This extends to all relationships, by the way, not just those between lesbians.

Lesbians are often too quick to enter into “serious” relationships. Instant soul-mates! Within weeks, rings are exchanged. Within months, you’re living together.

You cannot know someone unless you have seen them under a variety of different stresses, over an extended period of time. The typical university existence of exams and socializing is NOT stressful. Losing a job with a mortgage, credit card bills, and a sick parent/child/beloved pet IS. The stakes of life are MUCH higher as we mature in the real world. Before you make a commitment to share an adult life with someone, make sure that both of you are able to handle adult life — separately AND as a couple. Oh, just because you/she had a shitty childhood or held a job since you/she were two doesn’t mean you’ll/she’ll be a competent post-grad adult.

On to the Lesbian Relationship Time-line:

1. The Year of Novelty: this is an exciting time! All those differences seem endearing and enticing, as you both rush to compromise and get back to bed. No one else matters.

2. The Year of Adjustment: you realize she’s not perfect, but she’s trustworthy and predictable — so comfortable to be around. You like your life, and she’s part of it. It’s also fun to feel superior to all your single friends.

3. The Year of Disillusionment: Disappointment settles in. You start envying single friends or those who have just partnered and are enjoying the bliss of Year 1. You don’t like your life. Infidelity seems a viable (and rational) option when one of you is out of town. THIS IS THE CRITICAL POINT IN THE RELATIONSHIP because, now, one of two paths may be followed:

1. Non-Communication Path: You don’t want to talk about it. A discussion would only end in a fight. Any criticism NOW would seem ridiculous and/or cruel because you’ve tolerated the same behaviors for over two years. End it. You realize that what you regarded as “comfort” is now stifling. You don’t want to hurt her feelings because you don’t want to deal with her shit, not because you care whether she’s hurt or not. You become annoyed easily and you begin to flirt with almost ANY woman within reach. Just end it. You know each other now, and you don’t like the other person. It won’t get better. If you can’t or won’t communicate, there is no hope. Don’t wait until you get another girlfriend because then you’re just a piece of shit. End it with dignity and start again with someone new — but actually get to know her this time.
2. Communication Path: Seek counseling with the understanding that it might be better if the relationship were to end. Issues of abuse, adultery, or addiction often can’t be fixed. Don’t get drunk, start crying, and ranting. Under the guidance of a professional counselor, see if you can fix things. What you’re doing now is what you should have done if you had dated for a couple of years before exchanging rings: you’re really getting to know each other. The competent and trained third party is necessary because, at this point, emotions often confound reason. You’ll need help sorting the petty from the significant. If the Communication Path fixes things, you could be on your way to …

4. The Happy Future: YOU MADE IT! Knowledge and communication are essential! You can deal with the good and bad times effectively! You really are soul-mates!

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I have a problem. A year ago, I fell for this girl (J) and we began dating. Because I’m an asshole, I cheated on her. She dumped me, rightfully so. I never quit loving her, but she wouldn’t have anything to do with me. I started dating another girl (B) (the one who I had cheated with) and moved in with her. We broke up. A month and a half ago, I ran into the first girl (J), and we began talking. We have been on a few dates (I think).

Dear Jersey,

She is punishing you. Now, the issue is whether this punishment is temporary or not. Maybe she wants to see if you really are serious about her this time. She wants to make you jump through some hoops to “prove” your interest and potential commitment.

On the other hand, she may just want to make you look like a fool. You betrayed her and THEN moved in with the other girl. That is some serious pain and humiliation you dealt. There’s a chance that she has NO intention of reconciling with you and seeks only to build up your hope so that she can destroy it one day, probably in public.

In any event, as it stands, this is a dysfunctional relationship. MAYBE, you’ll be able to salvage a friendly coexistence, where you can go to the occasional lunch together. I wouldn’t get your hopes up. She probably won’t ever trust you completely and will perceive betrayal emerging even when it’s not there.

Just admitting that you are an “asshole” after the fact is not good enough, by the way. She knows that. Try to convince her that you are no longer an asshole. This could take years, and IT WON’T BE EASY. You’ll always be one slip-up from being kicked out of her life for good.

Use these experiences as life lessons: don’t cheat, don’t move in with casual partners, try to communicate your contrition to her, and, if you want her in your life on friendly terms, work to establish a relationship that’s built on respect and trust.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, What does “bicurious” mean? In real terms?

Dear Milwaukee,

“Bicurious,” as it is used in Internet dating sites, means she has a boyfriend who, minimally, wants to watch and, ultimately, wants access to another woman’s orifices.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, My partner, who is loving and kind, has her ex’s name tattooed on the back of her shoulder. It drives me crazy! Every time we are intimate, my eyes get locked onto the ex’s name, and it’s all I can do to continue. She doesn’t want to get it removed because she thinks the procedure is too costly and painful. What do you suggest?

Dear Pissed,

Let’s think for a moment. First, your partner can’t readily see the name so it’s not like nostalgia and/or longing is being triggered constantly.

Second, maybe the tattoo has special significance to her. That doesn’t mean she wants to reconcile with the ex. They obviously had a strong relationship at one point in the past.

Third, maybe you can suggest having a tattoo artist alter the tattoo so that the name isn’t apparent.

Fourth, you could always ask her to wear a small piece of duct tape. No, I’m not serious.

Fifth, you could consider the tattoo to be a physical defect, a scar — a symbol of lessons learned in her journey to becoming your loving partner now.

You are together. The ink from a tattoo didn’t penetrate her heart. That’s your objective. Stop fixating on the superficial (literally) and start enjoying the reality of having a great partner!

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I just need some general advice on women. I’m 22 and recently out. I see too few stable relationships and it scares me.

Dear Sara,

These are small bits of “wisdom” excavated over the years. Feel free to ask more specific questions in the future.

1. Tell smart girls that they are pretty and tell pretty girls that they are smart. This is not to be taken literally, of course. The point is that women need to be acknowledged as complete individuals — explicitly and often.
2. Give every woman one chance. Give a select few a second chance. Don’t give any a third chance. The exception is physical violence: if someone hits you once, leave. If someone drives you — and you’re normally a calm person — to consider violence, leave.
3. Any woman who will fuck over a friend will fuck you over if given the need and opportunity.
4. Selfish people rarely become unselfish. It’s NOT a question of immaturity if they’re over 25.
5. Some women really do love drama and seek it out constantly. If she’s always in crisis mode, that’s just normal for her.
6. Listen to her. Really listen. All the time. Even if you’re tired.
7. Be wary of anyone who is established in an area but doesn’t seem to have any friends.
8. Shun any woman who is cruel to children, the elderly, animals, or service workers.
9. Avoid women who seem to have an endless legion of “psycho exes” in their past or present. They CHOSE their partners. They CHOOSE their narratives. They CHOOSE their next “psycho ex.”
10. NEVER enter into a legal agreement (e.g., car loan, lease, mortgage, joint bank account, etc.) with anyone whom you have dated (exclusively) for less than three uninterrupted years.
11. If a woman is with you because you pay for everything, she will leave you for someone with more money.
12. If a woman is with you because you allow her to pay for everything, she will expect blind obedience from you — at any cost.
13. There are good, sane women available for you to date. Be patient.
14. Fortitude, courage, honor, and strength have NOTHING to do with the words “butch” and “femme.”
15. Don’t hold every woman responsible for what one or two evil ones do to you or have done to you.
16. Being the perpetual “caretaker” is as pathetic as being the perpetual “victim.” These relationships ALWAYS end and NEVER end well.
17. Leave social role-playing to the heteros.
18. Be yourself. Forever. Love someone who loves you, as you are. It may take some time before you find each other.
19. You can’t judge a person’s worth by the clothes they wear or the bands they like.
20. Read #18 again.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I adore my girlfriend. She’s smart and kind and sexy and an animal in bed. I really appreciate her adventurous nature, but she refuses to have sex with the light on! I have pleaded with her for months! Any suggestions on how I could convince her?

Dear Deb,

Let it go all ready! She’s not comfortable with the lights on. Maybe that’s why she’s so uninhibited in the first place — because she finds the darkness liberating. Unless you’re filming (if you plan to without telling her, you’re a complete creep), attached to medical equipment, or are on a moving factory conveyor belt, you pretty much don’t need lighting.

Enjoy what you have and stop pestering her!

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I have been dating a pretty girl for 6 weeks. She told me two nights ago that she has a five-year-old kid. I was in shock! She had never mentioned the kid before, and there was no evidence that a child lives in her apartment. She started crying and said that she didn’t tell me because she was afraid to lose me, that other women left her because of the kid. I told her I needed time to think. The kid doesn’t bother me. It’s the fact that she never mentioned the kid. Any advice?

Terri in Queens

Dear Terri,

Normally, my advice would be to change your number and avoid this young woman. What other secrets is she keeping? However, I suggest you give her one grand chance. Invite her to dinner and ask her if she has anything else she would like to tell you. Smile and explain to her that this is not a trial: you just believe trust is critical to a relationship. Give her the chance to air any issues. If you have anything to tell her about your past, now is the time to do it.

If she doesn’t tell you anything too bizarre, tell her you would like to meet the child (if you indeed want to). You take on some serious responsibility when dating a woman with a youngster, especially if the little one bonds with you.

Go slow. Take your time. Evaluate. Watch how she interacts with the child. Is she a devoted mother? Ask her who and where the father is and if he has a place in the kid’s life. If he does, you’re, in essence, dating him (and his family) as well. If the family situation is unstable and/or hostile, that’s the reason you should avoid dating this woman.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, My wife and I have been married over a year. We used to be very social, but now we don’t go out much. She’s happy with that. On the other hand, I would like MORE of a social life. How can I convince her to go out more?

Dear Nancy,

Have you asked her why she doesn’t want to go out? Maybe she’s tired of witnessing social drama among your friends and acquaintances. Maybe she views going out as an unjustifiable financial strain. Maybe she gets jealous, or maybe you get jealous.

Step One: Ask her why and listen carefully.

Step Two: If she gives you a specific reason, it’s up to you to assure her that “it” won’t be a problem. Then, of course, you must follow through. Don’t let “it” be a problem.

Step Three: Ask her on a date and show her the time of her life. Make sure everything is perfect. Yes, married folks can STILL ask each other out on dates. Maybe you could have a set date-night, although I personally enjoy the spontaneity aspect.

Step Four: Follow-up. Ask her if she had a good time. Probe without being psychotic. Identify her social likes and dislikes (yes, they may have changed since you got married).

Step Five: Have fun at home too! Don’t communicate the message that you can only have fun outside of your home.