The Dyke Whisperer

My silly words were an attempt to describe the lengths a lesbian must go to to meet available women. “Chieftains” and “gatekeepers” (and I have some other prototypes) do exist; however, I do not recommend dwelling in that kind of structured “scene.” Yet, you WILL meet women if you are strong, clever, patient, or tolerant enough to navigate through this swamp of bullshit.

What’s the alternative? To wear a sign that says “lesbian” when you shop for groceries or books? Craigslist, where you have to wade through men posing as lesbians, crazy women, and wives who need a new pet/performance artist/hole for their boyfriends/husbands? The on-line dating sites? Each might actually work for you. Good luck if these are the routes you choose.

I suggest (1) getting invited to lesbian gatherings; (2) meeting women; (3) easing out of the group; and (4) starting your own, devoid of depressing, predictable tyranny of stereotypes. You even get to choose folks that do not like talking about sports.

Your own groups can contain any combinations of people you want: gay, straight, bisexual, confused. After moving to a new city (or village as some of you might see it), it took me over a year to establish such a group. It isn’t necessarily easy. Yes, I still raid random Chieftain gatherings to steal their women and keep the group fresh. [The wording of the previous sentence is an attempt at humor and should be viewed as such, whether well executed or not. The word "steal" does not implicate that I objectify women, although I do on occasion when I've had too much to drink.]

On a personal note, as “horrifying,” “oppressive,” and scary as the Chieftain world I described is to you, to some (including myself), a world of the butch-femme dichotomy is equally as bleak, stilted, and pointless.

When a women describes herself as “femme,” I really don’t know if she’s talking about fashion, personality traits (cf. Myers-Briggs), or sexual positions. “Femme” and “butch” are as real as “chieftain” and “gatekeeper”: yes, they exist, but, damn, I wish they didn’t. And, don’t even BEGIN to tell me that fashion (or the lack thereof), personality traits, and personal sexual preferences are correlated. I know better. Believe me.

Some Greek pederast asserted to “know thyself.” Some Elizabethan bisexual paraphrased this by stating “to thine own self be true.” Now, go out and find women who make you laugh, who make you think, who turn you the fuck on, who complete you. Yes, it’s that simple.

Best regards to all — but especially to the “bi-curious hottie” whom e-mailed late last night. FYI, your best bet is to go to The Saucer and ask around.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I am taking your advice and attending a lesbian party in the hopes of finding someone to date or at least talk to. I am 23, shy, lonely, and extremely nervous now. What should I do? What should I expect?

This is a “recon” mission. No need to get all freaked out. Your mission is to scope out the scene and observe the various tribes of this clan. Be friendly; be polite — I’m sure you are anyway. If someone offers you a drink, take it graciously. Make a point of greeting the chieftain, i.e., lesbian-in-charge, upon your arrival and thanking her upon departure.

Most importantly, form your own opinions of the crowd. These gatherings most always have a lesbian gatekeeper who informs all the new attendees who is a psycho, who is a slut, and who is an alcoholic. Smile, chat, and then ignore everything this woman says because lesbian gatekeepers ARE the psychos, sluts, and alcoholics.

Avoid the resident “complaining lesbian,” who will spend most of her time bitching about the music, the weather, and the choice of keg beer / wine. She’s easy to spot: the perpetual scowl is a dead giveaway.

Women love conversation. Brush up on any women’s basketball scandal, review the latest recaps of the “L Word,” commit a short Maya Angelou poem to memory (“Phenomenal Woman” is a good choice), express excitement about the Cowboys (insert relevant sports team depending on your location) ”chances,” talk about a new exhibit at a museum, prepare some comments about a Japanese restaurant, mention how well Melissa looked at the Oscars. In short, be prepared to be a lively conversationalist.

Women love to laugh. If you’re witty, let it roll.

Witty women love to make others laugh. Be an appreciative audience member if you’re more of the shy type.

Women love to talk about their pets. If you have a critter, take a picture on your cell phone. That way, you can flash it at the appropriate moment.

Manage your expectations. Have a great time. Hopefully, you have a friend with whom you can discuss your evening, preferably at a non-corporate coffee shop the next day.

I hope this helps. Best wishes to you.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, why don’t lesbians ever hit on me? I’m 27 and femme and very lonely. I am in the closet at work and around some of my friends. Please help!

Lonely in Dallas

Dear Dallas,

Look, you have to be open about your sexuality or most women aren’t going to pursue you. The ones who are going to hit on you are the super-aggressive drunk ones who don’t care if they offend women.

The mere presence in a queer/dyke bar isn’t sufficient either: today (actually in the past 10 years or so), these locations are filled with “straight” girls. Let your colleagues, co-workers, friends know that you are a lesbian looking for a date.

Now, if you’ve been open about your sexuality and you STILL don’t get attention, then you need to examine your personality and make adjustments: make an effort to be more open and friendly. Yes, talk to strangers and smile.

As a last resort, identify a lesbian chieftain (usually a butch who rules a lesbian “clan”). She’s the one who always throws the parties, organizes the dinners, sponsors the softball team, chooses the book for the next lesbian theory reading group, buys the keg, etc. She’ll be a serial monogamist who cheats frequently. Be friendly and socially submissive to her, and soon you’ll find yourself invited to more events than you can attend. Choose a comfortable sub-group and … (poof!), before you know it, you’ll be female bonding at will.

Good luck!

Recently, I have received several urgent e-mail messages from women asking me to assist them in authoring Craiglist ads. Now, listen, the possibility of finding a wonderful, sane, stable woman on Craiglist IS a possibility; however, the probability is very, very low — like, lower than winning a multi-million-dollar-lottery prize. It is much easier to find a crazy woman so I will include a template that will streamline and expedite this search.

I Need an Unstable Woman for a Drama-Filled Relationship

Hi there,

I’m seeking a like-minded lady to share a disastrous 3-9 month relationship, ending in acrimony, emotional chaos, and possibly legal proceedings.

My name is _____, I live in _____. I’m __ years old, fairly well educated, hold down a good job, and am pretty stable. I’m told I’m fairly good looking, but I’ll let you be the judge of that. I’m generally caring and very honest.

I am looking for an attractive woman who will at first give me obsessive love, praise, and devotion — but whose paranoia, self-loathing, and fear of rejection and abandonment will eventually lead her to alternately push me away and pull me closer in a love/hate cycle that will lead to infidelity, consensual sexual violence, and the eventual emotional breakdown of one or other party — or, if we’re lucky — both!

You should:

* be 20 to 35 years old;
* have a history of short, intense, drama-driven relationships;
* enjoy degrading and dehumanizing sex;
* be willing to threaten self-harm and/or annihilation as a weapon to control your partner and make her stay with you and care for you.

Although not completely necessary, I would prefer women:

* with nice smiles;
* that have larger than average breasts;
* who are married or already in unstable relationships;
* that drink to forget; and
* who have had a previous established diagnosis of Borderline or Dependent Personality Disorder

If you think you meet these requirements (and, wow, I’m getting excited just writing them!), please don’t hesitate to get back to me as soon as possible. In the meantime, thank you for reading my ad, and do take care.

All the best,

__________