The Dyke Whisperer

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I seem to be attracted to crazy, unstable, unpredictable women. My friends think I’m a masochist, but I’m just not attracted to the quiet and stable girls. Is there something wrong with me?

Minnesota Masochist

Dear Minnesota,

First, I don’t think you’re a masochist. I think you might just enjoy the excitement that less conventional and, perhaps, more extroverted women have to offer. We are all attracted to certain physical and personality types. As long as these women are not self-destructive, abusive, or physically dangerous — and if you don’t mind the drama that unpredictability inevitably spawns — I say that you should just enjoy yourself during the good times and emotionally prepare yourself for the bad times.

Creativity and passion sometimes manifest as “socially unacceptable” behavior. Personally, I find women who rebel against social conventions to be irresistible. Now, along with this rebellion, one must expect erratic behavior. This, again, as long as abuse (directed to herself, you, or others) or addiction is not involved, can lead to a very exciting union and dramatic intervals, as lines are crossed and boundaries discarded again and again and again.

It’s dangerous to love a wild woman; it’s enchanting to love one as well. We’re describing free-spirits here. You won’t be able to tame them — ever. This quality is what likely draws both you, me, and countless others toward them. Some of our sapphic sisters might prefer safer, more stable, more predictable partners. That’s who they prefer and that’s fantastic. I doubt you’ll ever be able to make these stability-seekers understand your desires and motivations. Fine. However, don’t go to them for comfort when you’re in a drama-cycle: they’ll just get frustrated with you, call you immature, and remind you that this is all your fault for getting involved with yet another ”crazy” woman.

Follow your heart always and best wishes to you.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, What is the most important ingredient in establishing a long-term relationship? It seems I’m good at making connections but lousy at keeping them. I’m 36 and thinking about spending the rest of my life alone because it hurts too much to start a relationship only to have it blow-up in my face.

Cynical in Seattle

Dear Cynical,

It sounds to me like you’re just getting out of a relationship and are feeling down. This, of course, is understandable. Believe me, you’ll meet someone, probably when you least expect, who will change your mind, and you’ll be ready to start over again.

Lesbians often enter into relationships far too quickly. We’ve all heard the “U-Haul” jokes and references. Because there are relatively so few of us in the general population — and even fewer who are available — I believe there is a tendency to pair up before getting to know the other woman adequately. This is emotionally dangerous territory, as we bond and leave ourselves vulnerable.

But, let’s assume that you date a woman for eight months to a year (or so) and find that you are physically and emotionally compatible. Let’s assume that you are both committed, sane, financially solvent, non-psychotic, and mature individuals. And, we’ll also assume that you’ve seen each other often enough — in enough different situations and under different environmental stressors — that you are ready to enter into a long-term relationship.

The foundation of ANY relationship – business, friendly, or romantic — is trust; this is the “ingredient” you need above all else. Love evolves; passion ebbs and flows; interest might wane; however, without trust, you don’t have a relationship. You have a series of interactions and an endless analysis of motives, meanings, misunderstandings, and misery. Trust is fragile. Love can be renewed in a weekend at the beach; passion with a cleverly executed CD of appropriate songs. Once trust is shattered, a lifetime of effort might not be sufficient to re-establish it. Trust is a binary variable: it either exists or it doesn’t –and, when it’s gone, chances are that it’s gone for good.

Now, listen, mutual trust is not a guarantee of endless, romantic bliss, but it does ensure the long-term respect between two people. With trust established, if a break-up occurs, friendship, rather than perpetual malice, will likely be the result.

I encourage you, Cynical, to take a break for a while, enjoy single life, let your heart heal, and tell it (your heart, that is) that one day you’ll both find the trusting and trustworthy partners that you seek and deserve. 

Dear Dyke Whisperer,

Please help me win a bet. I bet my girlfriend that if I asked you to name the five most beautiful women that we would have at least two names in common. How about it? Who do you think are the five most beautiful women right now?

Curious in Colorado

Dear Curious,

I don’t think I’ll be able to help you win this bet. There is no accounting for taste, and no possible way to determine a woman’s beauty from pictures in glossy magazines. Make-up artists, personal stylists, Photoshop, surgeons, certain narcotics (in moderation) – all enhance the physical beauty of Hollywood starlets and the glamorous women of the Internet gossip sites.

I will, however, fulfill your request and provide a list of the five most beautiful women. I present them to you in no particular order:

1. Your first love
2. Your current infatuation (also your partner if you’re lucky)
3. The woman you talked to that one night years ago in a bar/club/coffeehouse; however, she had to leave with her friends and you never saw her again
4. A woman who you see every so often, but you don’t know if she’s a lesbian
5. A woman that you know is a lesbian, but, for whatever reason (shyness, location, relationship status), you “can’t” communicate with her

Dear Dyke Whisperer, To each her own, but I swear I don’t understand the hostility that exists between today’s young lipstick lesbians toward anyone remotely construed as “butch.” Why the obsessive drive to act and appear straight? To conform? Enlighten me, please!

Confused in Carolina

Dear Confused,

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I think I’m in love with a girl I’ve met recently. We are both students and in our early 20′s. The night we met, she mentioned that she had a girlfriend “at home.” She hasn’t mentioned this “girlfriend” since (in over two weeks) and certainly acts like she is unattached. I REALLY want to be with this girl. What should I do?

Anxious in Atlanta

Dear Anxious,

Enjoy your time with her. You both are young and passionate. Not knowing her intentions is likely driving you crazy, and it feels great. This mystery of not knowing, of longing and desire, innuendo …. The time spent analyzing glances, phrases, song lyrics, gestures …. All of this is perfectly normal and tremendously frustrating, as is the way your soul likely stirs when you consider the possibilities.

“Manage your expectations” is rational advice: Don’t expect too much from a woman who is involved with another woman. It makes sense. It sounds like you’re way beyond rational at this point though.

My official advice: openly communicate without spoiling the magical connection. Try to keep tabs on the status of your friend’s “official” relationship.

Spring will start sooner than you think. Clear up this issue regarding the “girlfriend,” take your glorious energy of youth, and enjoy yourself either with the woman you mention (once she is free and clear) or with another one.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I appreciate your help, but I need specifics! I’m a 28-year-old grad student in Madison. I think I’m getting a vibe from a fellow student. WHAT DO I DO?

Viv Getting Vibed

Dear Viv,

This is what I did in my younger, wilder days. Yes, I know it’s manipulative. I’m not proud of this, but it did work very well. Okay, I’m a little proud: 

I would invite a “straight” (or at least not openly gay) woman to a non-threatening location, like a coffee shop. We would meet, usually during the week at about 6:00 pm or so. I was a student then so there was always a reasonable excuse to meet at a coffee shop.

After getting comfortable and doing my best to be charming and witty for a couple of hours, I would suddenly check the time, effect a look of panic, and say, “I really need to go.” Uninterested parties would simply say, “Okay” and get up to leave. The interested ones would be disappointed. When asked why I had to go, I ALWAYS replied: “I’ve got things to do.” That’s all I would say. The more interested they are, the more they’ll quiz you as to your mysterious plans. Drove them girls wild, I tell ya.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I just want to hang out and drink beer with other lesbians. I’m not into “seeing and being seen.” What I want to do is just relax and chat. I travel often because of my job. Can you give me some suggestions of where a low-key lez can just grab a brew and a conversation in different major cities?

Traveling Taylor

Dear Taylor,

Here are some suggestions for places to frequent if you are not into fashion shows, dance-clubs, meat markets, and generally scary locales. I KNOW that this list will spark controversy and, thus, entertain my buddies. There’s no debating taste, but we’re about to. These places do — or did, at least — have an abundance of beer and available, intelligent women. I also chose places that should be comfortable for a wider age range because you did not indicate how old you are:

NYC: Henrietta Hudson

Dallas: Sue Ellen’s (the bar staff is friendly and will definitely hook a woman up by pointing out the single regulars)

Chicago: The Closet (I KNOW this is a mixed bar, but the people are friendly)

SF: The Lexington, of course (some nights are better than others; no I haven’t determined the correct pattern yet; yes, there is an air of pretension at times)

LA: Given your criteria, I like the Normandie Room. Best jukebox in the universe.

Houston: Chances (yes, there are some freaks here; yes, it is cliquish; yes, you will find lesbians who are new in town who are not freaks or cliquish)

New Orleans: too depressing to discuss (we can only talk of used-to-be’s). I will offer my own personal critique of New Orleans after my annual Spring trek there.

Austin: shit out of luck

I welcome your revisions, corrections, additions, and comments …

Dear Dyke Whisperer, There’s this woman I work with that I’m attracted to. She’s really friendly towards me and seems to go out of her to talk to me. How do I know if she “likes” me?

Hopeful in Hartford

Dear Hopeful,

An effective method to determine a woman’s intentions is to be reticent at times. Yes, this is difficult.

Let her fill in the gaps of conversational silence. Listen intently; make eye contact. If she’s more interested in the rest of the people in the room than you, she probably has no romantic interest. If she’s actively engaged in getting you to talk about you, she’s usually interested. Silence is a powerful tool.

Let her probe your mind. Offer her snapshots, not monologues.

Also, if you have romantic intentions, it is critical that she knows that you’re a lesbian. The proverbial ball is in her court at that point.

Something else, don’t mention ex-lovers to potential lovers. It will make you seem weak and needy. Just resist. There’s no better sex deterrent than to hear all about a messy lesbian “divorce.” Don’t start sentences with “My ex used to ….”

A neat little trick if you’ve been on one quasi-date and still have no idea if a woman is gay and/or interested: on the second “date,” slip a wedding-band-looking ring on your left ring-finger. If she asks you about it, comments on it, or visually examines it, she’s likely interested.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I’m an undergraduate, and I attend a conservative state university. Where can I meet lesbians?

Desperate

Dear Desperate,

I empathize with your situation. My alma mater is generally regarded as one of the most conservative universities in the US (only Notre Dame was more conservative in the latest poll I viewed). Try women’s sporting events first. When you find a group of lesbians, they will likely be a VERY closely knit group, most having slept with everyone in the group. Try to search out an approachable member.

Use caution when dealing with the athletes themselves: they are most certainly more experienced than you, and one (or more) may toy with your emotions and/or consider you just another conquest. I’d focus more attention on the women attending the athletic events.

By all means, GO TO THE COFFEE SHOPS!

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I am a veterinarian in Northern California. I’m too shy to meet women. I can’t seem to approach them and, when they approach me, I freeze up! All I want is a girlfriend. Is that too much to ask for?

Going Crazy

Dear Crazy, 

In my estimation, a productive/satisfying dating or social life revolves around the management of your expectations. No, I’m not talking about positive visualization or anything that esoteric. When you speak to women, realize that most are not evaluating you — they are just as anxious as you to be perceived as friendly and acceptable. MOST, now. Some are just assholes, but these are easy to spot and avoid.

Tell me, do you have a “running buddy,” i.e., someone to accompany you at outings? If you do, have a friendly contest to see who can meet five new women at a bar, at a coffee shop, during the week, whatever makes sense in your world. Compare notes. This should be fun and playful.

If not, you must realize that you’re not in this alone. Many of the women you see confidently chatting to women were shy at one point.

Similar interests and commonalities break down many barriers. When approaching a woman you find attractive, turn your attention outward toward her, as opposed to inward. Listen to her and encourage her to speak.

Be persistent (not stalkerish though). It may take more than one overture to gain someone’s positive attention. If a woman doesn’t seem interested in you on one meeting, it doesn’t mean that she wasn’t interested in you. She might have had a bad day at work or a contentious encounter with a client / professor / student / friend / family member.

There’s always the chance that your eyes will lock onto her eyes, and you’ll fall madly in love at first sight. More likely, however, you will need to build a relationship based on trust, respect, and shared goals. That takes time — to do it right takes time.

Don’t be discouraged. Dating “prowess” is a social skill that can be developed. Just keep at it, be playful, have fun. Don’t be so hard on yourself!