Second Chances
Dear Dyke Whisperer, I am 31, self-employed, and bewildered. I love my girlfriend, if I can still call her that. She is one of the most considerate, loving, intelligent, clever, creative, and passionate women I’ve ever encountered. When we first met, she pursued me with an intensity I’ve never known before and won me over quickly. We had a fantastic 18 months and then things began to change.
I travel a lot, and, because of family obligations and work, I had to travel even more. I only stayed home for a week or two at a time while being gone for five or six weeks. She began to drift away from me, and I was (and still am) powerless to do anything about it. I was shocked to learn that she was switching professions. Then, she wanted to break up with me and date others. That hurt, but I was okay with it because I was away so much. I understood that she grew lonely and, with her being such a social person, she needed to go out and have fun. I knew fun was all she wanted from these other women. But, now, I think something else is going on. She seems detached, just being with me out of a sense of politeness and obligation. She assures me that she wants me in her life. I don’t know what to do. How do I win back her heart? I’m counting on you for guidance.
Alone in the Alamo City
First, you need to be sure that you want to deal with a woman in a state of transition and reinvention. There is always the chance that she will begin a relationship with someone else or that your continued absence simply changed the way she feels about you. You must understand this. However, I will assume that you considered this carefully and still want to resurrect your relationship with her.
Most women, unlike most men, evolve constantly and often undergo radical changes in thought processes, emotions, and interests. When this happens, they are capable of discarding an “old” life in its entirety and embarking on a new one. Realize that during this time, her focus will be on herself primarily, not you or any other woman. It’s a beautiful and fascinating process, actually, and requires some selfishness on her part.
Sometimes, when these shifts occur, women seek comfort in former loves or diversion in new ones.
In your absence, you might not have seen this transition occurring. You might not have been there physically and emotionally to help her sort out her thoughts and feelings. So, she reinvented herself in your absence. Because you weren’t there, you probably weren’t included in the construction of her “new world.”
Give her some time to adjust. Be patient with her; let her mind and heart realign to the changes. Don’t perceive these alterations in her as rejection. You, too, will undergo such a process in all likelihood more than once in the future.
Re-evaluate who she has become and what she needs and desires in a lover. Discard past assumptions and routines. The best of her is still there, just re-arranged. Seek that out and appeal to it in a way that will gain and keep her attention.
That being said, if you are still traveling extensively, use that to your advantage. Keep the relationship interesting and flirty with occasional e-mails and phone calls. Let her have her fun — encourage it. When you return, plan special evenings revolving around her. Let her relax and laugh. Set yourself up as the provider of the consistently stress-free, reliable, enjoyable date. When the proverbial dust settles and the pretenders are gone, you could be left standing alone with her — and she could be yours for the first time, again.
