The Eyes Usually Don’t Have It
Dear Dyke Whisperer, I am 33 years old and single. I am out socially but not out professionally. There is a woman at work who stares at me constantly; I mean, all the time. It seems like she’s trying to lock eyes with me. I find her attractive and want to ask her out on a date. Do you think she’s a lesbian?
Wondering in Washington
Dear Wondering,
In my experience, a lesbian is more likely to avert her glance from a woman she is attracted to rather than stare at her, unless a definite romantic interest, even slight, has already been established through conversation (the most common), due to the situation (like on a blind date), or by tactile gestures (hand touching, arm brushing). Even in a gay or lesbian bar, except for the ultra-aggressive types and drunks, you rarely see one woman staring intently at another to gain her attention or to signal interest.
More likely, this woman is trying to figure you out, i.e., trying to determine your sexual orientation. I think she may be curious rather than interested. If a woman were to always sit near you and never look directly at you, yet engage in conservation, I would say that she is attracted to you.
I know it’s confusing, but lesbians (especially sober ones), generally, don’t like to reveal their intentions too quickly and too overtly. This is but another reason to let your co-workers know that you are gay. Then, straight people will go to extreme lengths to make sure they you know they are not gay; gay people will be comfortable in telling you outright they are gay; and bisexuals will tease you and attempt to get you to serve on their personal ad hoc psychiatric committees until you want to scream.
If you’re curious about this woman, but, for whatever reason, don’t want to come out at work, drop some not-so-subtle hints into your conversation. Mention last year’s Pride Parade. If she doesn’t know what you’re talking about, she’s probably straight. Make a comment or two about the L Word, the Dinah Shore Classic, Bound, or pre-1992 Melissa CDs. Watch and listen to her reactions, which should provide confirmation for what you need to know.
