The Key Ingredient
Dear Dyke Whisperer, What is the most important ingredient in establishing a long-term relationship? It seems I’m good at making connections but lousy at keeping them. I’m 36 and thinking about spending the rest of my life alone because it hurts too much to start a relationship only to have it blow-up in my face.
Cynical in Seattle
Dear Cynical,
It sounds to me like you’re just getting out of a relationship and are feeling down. This, of course, is understandable. Believe me, you’ll meet someone, probably when you least expect, who will change your mind, and you’ll be ready to start over again.
Lesbians often enter into relationships far too quickly. We’ve all heard the “U-Haul” jokes and references. Because there are relatively so few of us in the general population — and even fewer who are available — I believe there is a tendency to pair up before getting to know the other woman adequately. This is emotionally dangerous territory, as we bond and leave ourselves vulnerable.
But, let’s assume that you date a woman for eight months to a year (or so) and find that you are physically and emotionally compatible. Let’s assume that you are both committed, sane, financially solvent, non-psychotic, and mature individuals. And, we’ll also assume that you’ve seen each other often enough — in enough different situations and under different environmental stressors — that you are ready to enter into a long-term relationship.
The foundation of ANY relationship – business, friendly, or romantic — is trust; this is the “ingredient” you need above all else. Love evolves; passion ebbs and flows; interest might wane; however, without trust, you don’t have a relationship. You have a series of interactions and an endless analysis of motives, meanings, misunderstandings, and misery. Trust is fragile. Love can be renewed in a weekend at the beach; passion with a cleverly executed CD of appropriate songs. Once trust is shattered, a lifetime of effort might not be sufficient to re-establish it. Trust is a binary variable: it either exists or it doesn’t –and, when it’s gone, chances are that it’s gone for good.
Now, listen, mutual trust is not a guarantee of endless, romantic bliss, but it does ensure the long-term respect between two people. With trust established, if a break-up occurs, friendship, rather than perpetual malice, will likely be the result.
I encourage you, Cynical, to take a break for a while, enjoy single life, let your heart heal, and tell it (your heart, that is) that one day you’ll both find the trusting and trustworthy partners that you seek and deserve.
