The Dyke Whisperer

Dear Dyke Whisperer, How do you know you are in love with someone? I have loved several women in my life, but I’m not sure if I’ve ever been in love. I lust after women all the time. What does being in love feel like?

Dear Unsure,

The state of being in love is a most powerful and wonderful experience. You go to sleep thinking about a woman and you awake to thoughts of her as well. She becomes timeless and ageless to you, always resembling the woman whom you first fell in love with. She is everywhere: in the songs you hear, in the plans you make, in your meetings at work, in your choices at the grocery store, in your gift-list for the next holiday season, in your dreams.

You can talk to her for hours about nothing and find profound meaning in the most simple of her statements. You capture moments with her as one captures images with a camera, effortlessly and easily. The images remain with you for years, forever.

Your senses become heightened. Her perfume, her hair after a shower, the coffee brewing automatically as you both lie in bed on a Sunday morning: these aromas comfort, captivate, and caress you. You can easily spot her immediately in any crowd. Her voice commands your attention at all time, never so much as when it whispers your name. Her touch radiates through you — all through you — like the rays of sunshine on a beach on the perfect summer’s day or the warmth of a fire on a cold, cold evening.

Wine tastes better, nights seem shorter, and moments apart seem endless. You are the protagonist of every romantic movie and the subject of every love song ever written.

Okay. Now consider the sentiment in the above statements and multiply it by 85. That’s what it feels like to be in love.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I’m meeting my girlfriend’s family for the first time in a couple of weeks. We are going to spend the weekend with them. I’m nervous. I think that some of them are accepting, but others are not. Any pointers?

Just remember to keep things in perspective: the reason you’re doing this is for your girlfriend. Not all of these people — these complete strangers — will like you; not all will dislike you. Always be decent and polite to all of them, but do not feel obligated to form lasting familial (or even friendly) bonds with any of them, much less all of them.

Don’t prejudge any of them, although some of them may prejudge you. Stay focused on your girlfriend. Also, allow her — among her family members in their territory — to initiate any public displays of affection.

If possible, lobby to arrive there on Saturday rather than Friday evening. That’ll leave you with a shorter stay and a greater chance of maintaining your decent-polite exterior. If things go well, next time you’ll know, and you can spend as much time as you’d like with them. If things do not go well, come on, it’s only a day and a half.

Bring a gift to the patriarch/matriarch/ruling dyad of her clan. Splurge if you are able. ALWAYS bring a gift, even if they tell you not to. If any family members are or have children, bring something for them as well. Consider their ages and be a generalist. For example, bring a soccer ball, stuffed animals, or non-controversial books (classics are a good choice). Consult your girlfriend about the purchases. Video games, sweets, or lesbian-separatist literature are not appropriate gift choices for children under these circumstances. Don’t give any potential haters additional ammo.

Be prepared to face the inevitable “sleeping arrangement” situation. Discuss this with your girlfriend before you arrive. Remember you’re a guest in her family’s domicile. At your place, you can sex in front of them in the kitchen if you choose. In their place, you must abide by their rules or leave. It doesn’t matter that hetero visitors have or can sleep together: their place, their rules. If you can’t handle that, don’t go.

Smile a lot. Avoid political or religious topics. Acknowledge any pets. Compliment the chef. Admire any collections. Smile more.

Finally, bring two small bottles of booze (if you drink). You never know.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I’m 26 and will graduate with an MBA in May. I’m a very casual person, and my choice in clothes reflects this. I wear jeans and t-shirts when it’s warm; jeans and sweaters/sweatshirts when it’s cool. My footwear is always (stereotypically) sensible. The problem is: I’m about to enter “the real world” and have no idea what I should wear. I mean, I know what I’m expected to wear, but I don’t think I’ll be comfortable in “office clothes.” Do you have any advice for me?

Fashion-Challenged in Pittsburgh (I couldn’t think of any cool alliteration. Sorry.)

Dear Pittsburgh,

If you have the financial means, consider purchasing designer clothes. Classics (shirts and pants) from Ralph Lauren and Calvin Klein are appropriate for the office and will last years if you take care of them (don’t put these clothing items in the dryer — ever). Choose natural fibers: the same cotton that is used in your jeans or t-shirts, linen, silk, hemp, combinations of these. By all means, wait for sales.  It takes time to build a wardrobe but always choose quality over quantity. Buy one or two blazers, which will dress up any outfit.

Make sure these clothes fit you properly. If you’re not sure, take a fashionable friend along to offer guidance. But, whatever this friend suggests, make sure you like the item and you are comfortable. You don’t want a closet full of clothes you’ll never wear. Also, try to bond with a friendly, knowledgeable sales person. He/she will prove to be a valuable asset if you are truly fashion-challenged.

Having a great haircut/style and classic/distinctive accessories (depending on your personality and work environment) also help in creating a more polished look. Your shoes can remain sensible but opt for classic styles and colors again: black, brown, tan to co-ordinate with your belts.

Generally, your socks should be lighter in shade that your pants. Don’t wear white socks unless you are engaging in a sport or a physical activity. Don’t ever wear white socks to work. Yes, socks are available in other colors besides white.

Don’t wear novelty socks. You’ll have an MBA. If you try to appear “cute” at work by wearing some childish clothing items or accessories, you’ll be perceived as an idiot in the corporate world.

Wait until you are either (1) recognized as undeniably brilliant; (2) considered indispensable; (3) universally loved; (4) universally admired; (5) independently wealthy; (6) own the company; (7) related to the owner of the company; or (8) able to extort the owner of the company before dressing in an eccentric manner at work. Success and/or admiration will magically transform you. If you dress bizarrely under the above conditions, your associates will marvel at your creativity and artistic side. Before then, you’ll be regarded as mentally feeble, insignificant, and rebellious if you choose to ignore the implicit dress code of the corporate world.

Use jewelry to express yourself but nothing too flashy or crazy while at work.

The more established you become and the more dazzling you are, the sooner you can reject all of the above advice (gradually though) and wear whatever the hell you want to wear. Opting for local, rather than corporate jobs (if that’s an option), will afford you greater flexibility in clothing choices from the start of your post-graduate career.

When going on an interview, sit in the parking lot or inconspicuously loiter in an area where you can see the present employees enter or leave the building housing your intended employer. Notice what they’re wearing and dress like that. Also, this will give you an opportunity and excuse to physically evaluate the women who work there, and, if your gaydar is sharp, provide you some indication of who you should hit on if hired.

If the first thing that comes to mind after reading all this is “Well, fuck that,” then consider employment outside the corporate world. Positions at non-profit organizations will offer you the opportunity to be less formal, more often (although in certain positions and for certain functions you might actually have to present yourself more formally).

Also, as I mentioned above, you could use your MBA to assist a local organization. Dress codes, formal or informal, might not even be in existence. Or, alternatively, try to work in a more progressive firm, where individuality is encouraged. Then you can dress as casually as you desire. Still, don’t wear white socks.

In any case, best wishes to you and congratulations on your impending graduation!

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I am 31, self-employed, and bewildered. I love my girlfriend, if I can still call her that. She is one of the most considerate, loving, intelligent, clever, creative, and passionate women I’ve ever encountered. When we first met, she pursued me with an intensity I’ve never known before and won me over quickly. We had a fantastic 18 months and then things began to change.

I travel a lot, and, because of family obligations and work, I had to travel even more. I only stayed home for a week or two at a time while being gone for five or six weeks. She began to drift away from me, and I was (and still am) powerless to do anything about it. I was shocked to learn that she was switching professions. Then, she wanted to break up with me and date others. That hurt, but I was okay with it because I was away so much. I understood that she grew lonely and, with her being such a social person, she needed to go out and have fun. I knew fun was all she wanted from these other women. But, now, I think something else is going on. She seems detached, just being with me out of a sense of politeness and obligation. She assures me that she wants me in her life. I don’t know what to do. How do I win back her heart? I’m counting on you for guidance.

Alone in the Alamo City

First, you need to be sure that you want to deal with a woman in a state of transition and reinvention. There is always the chance that she will begin a relationship with someone else or that your continued absence simply changed the way she feels about you. You must understand this. However, I will assume that you considered this carefully and still want to resurrect your relationship with her.

Most women, unlike most men, evolve constantly and often undergo radical changes in thought processes, emotions, and interests. When this happens, they are capable of discarding an “old” life in its entirety and embarking on a new one. Realize that during this time, her focus will be on herself primarily, not you or any other woman. It’s a beautiful and fascinating process, actually, and requires some selfishness on her part.

Sometimes, when these shifts occur, women seek comfort in former loves or diversion in new ones.

In your absence, you might not have seen this transition occurring. You might not have been there physically and emotionally to help her sort out her thoughts and feelings. So, she reinvented herself in your absence. Because you weren’t there, you probably weren’t included in the construction of her “new world.”

Give her some time to adjust. Be patient with her; let her mind and heart realign to the changes. Don’t perceive these alterations in her as rejection. You, too, will undergo such a process in all likelihood more than once in the future.

Re-evaluate who she has become and what she needs and desires in a lover. Discard past assumptions and routines. The best of her is still there, just re-arranged. Seek that out and appeal to it in a way that will gain and keep her attention.

That being said, if you are still traveling extensively, use that to your advantage. Keep the relationship interesting and flirty with occasional e-mails and phone calls. Let her have her fun — encourage it. When you return, plan special evenings revolving around her. Let her relax and laugh. Set yourself up as the provider of the consistently stress-free, reliable, enjoyable date. When the proverbial dust settles and the pretenders are gone, you could be left standing alone with her — and she could be yours for the first time, again.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, My girlfriend and I are getting married in June! We’ve dated exclusively for a year and a half. I am so excited and grateful that I have found a wonderful woman who I want to share my life with. She doesn’t want a big wedding though. She believes that wedding vows are best exchanged privately. I, on the other hand, want EVERYONE to witness our love and commitment and want a HUGE wedding! She suggested I consult you (she’s too shy to write you herself). What do you suggest?

Jubilant in Jacksonville

Dear Jubilant,

First, congratulations and best wishes to you and your bride-to-be!

I can understand your enthusiasm in broadcasting your mutual love to the word. Similarly, I can comprehend your girlfriend’s resistance to transforming a personal, magical occasion into what she might perceive as a circus-like event.

Perhaps the sensible compromise is to have a small, private ceremony — followed by the reception of the year! She’ll have her solemn moment of quiet and intimate commitment; you can have your celebration with your friends and family.

The most critical elements involved in the concept of commitment between two people are trust, love, and respect. Just remember that this is the case now and will always be true, valid, and accurate. With these three elements present, your mutual happiness is not only possible, but probable. The commitment ceremony / wedding and subsequent reception are simply the acknowledgement and expression of this so have fun and enjoy your good fortune and each other!

Whatever you all decide, I sincerely wish you the best.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I really like this woman I’m dating, but she has too many damn cats (4) in her tiny apartment! They are EVERYEHERE and into EVERYTHING. They drive me crazy, and the more I ignore them the more they cling to me. How can I convince her to get rid of a couple of them?

Irritated in Illinois

Dear Irritated,

What exactly would you have her do? Kill two of them? Kick two out of the apartment? Take two to the local animal shelter? You would be okay with that? As I type this — and understanding something about feline behavior — I imagine the cats are “thinking” there are too many of you.

The woman has cats. She loves her cats. The cats were there first.

Some cats respond to passive behavior: the more you ignore them the less threatening you seem, and the less afraid they are to approach you. That is besides the point, however.

Adjust to the cats or avoid her apartment. If you cannot do either, you’ll need to find a new woman. The little critters sense your hostility, and I wouldn’t blame them if they relieved themselves on you or your clothing.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I’m attracted to one of my best friend’s girlfriend, and she’s attracted to me. What should I do about it? She tells me that she isn’t happy in her current relationship. I tried to tell her that I can’t be interested in her, but she keeps pursuing me. I’m single, by the way.

Resisting in Richmond

Dear Resisting,

Stop it. Now. As Yoda says, There is no “trying.” You are in the process of betraying your friend. You are setting yourself up to be justifiably labeled — in negative terms — among your friends for as long as they know you. Further, worst of all, you are demonstrating a remarkable low level of self-respect.

Why would you even consider becoming involved with another woman’s girlfriend? Being alone is preferable. Abandon your role as confidante immediately.

Need some tactical advice? To get her to stop pursuing you, simply stare intently and directly into her nostrils every time she talks to you. This will be most disconcerting to the pursuer and will make her feel extremely uncomfortable and self-conscious. After a while, she won’t even want to be in the same room with you.

Better, yet, just tell her: “I’m sorry if I misled you in any way. I think [insert friend's name here] is a great woman, and I wish you two all the best.” Then, walk away. Don’t be rude, just walk away.

Don’t be alone with her. Don’t accept her calls. Don’t answer her texts. Don’t whine about this. Don’t make foolish promises. A woman who would pursue the friend of her girlfriend has no relationship value whatsoever.

Heath Ledger was found dead in a New York City apartment this afternoon. The Australian-born actor, nominated for an Academy Award for his portrayal of a gay man in Brokeback Mountain, leaves behind a two-year-old daughter, a legion of fans, and a legacy of artistic courage.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, My girlfriend of 3 months has made some comments about my sexual “techniques” and how she would like me to change them. I’m deeply hurt and offended. Should I just end this relationship?

Offended in Ohio

Dear Offended,

Take it easy! I don’t know how this sensitive topic was approached, but I would hope that you would appreciate your girlfriend’s candor and willingness to communicate with you openly about such a delicate topic. So many lesbian relationships begin to disintegrate because such discussions never occur.

Use this as an opportunity to establish a healthy line of communication. Her “technique critique” — and your attempt to refine your ways and please her — will only strengthen your relationship. Of course, don’t do anything that you find personally humiliating, distasteful, or dangerous; however, a little variety and some adjustments might make your relationship stronger and more vital. Who knows? You might really enjoy these modifications.

There is a chance that she wants you to engage in acts that you find humiliating, distasteful, or dangerous; yet, she finds alluring, satisfying, and necessary. If this is the case, you two are not sexually compatible and should end the relationship. Such incompatibility will inevitably lead to misery and infidelity — as one of you seeks that which the other either cannot or will not provide, and the other begins to develop feelings of inadequacy.

There is no “good woman/bad woman” dichotomy here. You might simply be incompatible. It is not a universal evaluation of a sexual technique: it is one woman’s opinion. So, if the requested adjustments are minor and acceptable (in your estimation), by all means, give it a try. You might be pleasantly surprised at her reaction and yours as well. If the requested adjustments are beyond acceptance, end the relationship in a civil manner and search for someone more aligned with your preferences.

In any event, try to tame your emotions when discussing sexual techniques with girlfriends or potential girlfriends. Some women believe that frank and open discussions about sex compromise romanticism. The opposite is true. Open discussions on any topic — especially one so intimate — strengthen emotional ties and enhance communication in general.

Dear Dyke Whisperer, I am 33 years old and single. I am out socially but not out professionally. There is a woman at work who stares at me constantly; I mean, all the time. It seems like she’s trying to lock eyes with me. I find her attractive and want to ask her out on a date. Do you think she’s a lesbian?

Wondering in Washington

Dear Wondering,

In my experience, a lesbian is more likely to avert her glance from a woman she is attracted to rather than stare at her, unless a definite romantic interest, even slight, has already been established through conversation (the most common), due to the situation (like on a blind date), or by tactile gestures (hand touching, arm brushing). Even in a gay or lesbian bar, except for the ultra-aggressive types and drunks, you rarely see one woman staring intently at another to gain her attention or to signal interest.

More likely, this woman is trying to figure you out, i.e., trying to determine your sexual orientation. I think she may be curious rather than interested. If a woman were to always sit near you and never look directly at you, yet engage in conservation, I would say that she is attracted to you.

I know it’s confusing, but lesbians (especially sober ones), generally, don’t like to reveal their intentions too quickly and too overtly. This is but another reason to let your co-workers know that you are gay. Then, straight people will go to extreme lengths to make sure they you know they are not gay; gay people will be comfortable in telling you outright they are gay; and bisexuals will tease you and attempt to get you to serve on their personal ad hoc psychiatric committees until you want to scream.

If you’re curious about this woman, but, for whatever reason, don’t want to come out at work, drop some not-so-subtle hints into your conversation. Mention last year’s Pride Parade. If she doesn’t know what you’re talking about, she’s probably straight. Make a comment or two about the L Word, the Dinah Shore Classic, Bound, or pre-1992 Melissa CDs. Watch and listen to her reactions, which should provide confirmation for what you need to know.